


Someday

by ravenstrange



Series: Commander of Time & Space [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Cullen is Commander Shepard, Cullen's Siblings, Displaced Characters, Dragon Age Characters - Freeform, Dragon Age Crossover, Dragon Age and Mass Effect Crossover, Hinted at Past-Relationship with Dorian, Inquisitor Lavellan - Freeform, M/M, Mass Effect crossover, Slow Burn, Things getting weird now, Yeet the Canon out the Air Lock, background relationships of side characters, cullen meets space travel, lore-building chapters, thedas is a planet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:47:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 78,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25337848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenstrange/pseuds/ravenstrange
Summary: The Commander of the Inquisition, in a turn of unfortunate events, finds himself pulled into an unusual rift outside of Redcliffe Castle. One minute, he’s fighting alongside his troops. The next, he’s waking up somewhere he doesn’t fully recognize, with memories of a life that he doesn’t think was his own. They call him “Commander Shepard” and by the information he finds, that’s who he is.Trying to find any possible way to get used to his life as it is now is only complicated more once the Reapers attack Earth. It’s complicated even further when he starts to get glimpses of a history he shares with someone who served with him all those years ago starting back on Eden Prime. As he starts to regain all parts of him, Cullen has to decide if Thedas is worth trying to get back to, or if he can make a new home in a wide galaxy of possibilities.
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Kaidan Alenko, Kaidan Alenko & Cullen Rutherford, Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko & Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: Commander of Time & Space [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873927
Comments: 47
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

They were to take back Redcliffe Castle, and while the Inquisitor went forth with the scouts and her party, Commander Cullen Rutherford and his solders held the perimeter. Demons poured out of the unusual rifts, speeding up and slowing down the more that demons were killed.

“Keep fighting!” The shout was loud over the sounds of swords clashing and arrows flying, and Cullen himself started to fight against two rage demons. He was getting overrun, killing one was only giving the other one more of a chance to fight him.

The fight distracted him from his surroundings; a rookie mistake he would kick himself for if he could have – but by the time he realized what was going on, it was too late.

A Pride Demon charged towards him, and Cullen took a step back, right into the summoning circle of one of the unusual rifts. The colors around him shifted from green to blue, and he struggled against the magic holding him there, but couldn’t move.

It swirled around him and pulled, and without even a warning, it lifted him up and through the rift.

Everything went black.

_30 minutes to impact_ , the Project VI sounded, and he struggled to open his eyes. To move. Every part of his body ached, feeling like he aged years in just a moment. He groaned. His eyes opened and he shifted to stand, the blurred vision starting to clear. Frantic beeping sounds, a countdown to impact. Flashing green and orange indicator lights.

He had been knocked out in the blast after Kenson blew herself up. She wanted to take him and the Project out at the same time.

_29 minutes to impact. All personnel report to the escape shuttles._

He looked around quickly and spotted the console but there was nothing more that he could do. _Comms relay not operational. Report to the escape shuttles._

“Where is that?”

_Updating your nav point._

The Project VI was more helpful than he had been expecting, but he needed to run for it. Fight his way through the asteroid base, and he did. Guns blazing, fighting on his own with his pistol in his hand and his sniper on his back. Those damn Reaper artifacts, and Dr. Kenson falling for them, yet another person indoctrinated into…

Why was he thinking about this like he knew what was going on?

Where the hell _was_ he?

_15 minutes to impact._

He raced outside, fighting to the comm relay and reactivating it. He was in _space_. He was somewhere he had never thought he’d be, and yet it felt so _normal_ to be here. Like it was just another day. Just another fight.

There was no time, he knew. This asteroid was going to make impact with the Mass Relay, and he hadn’t been able to warn the Batarian colony. It was comm the Normandy and get off this rock or die in an explosion as it made impact. He had to get off this rock.

The comms were up and running, but the interference sputtered and cleared. Face to face with Harbinger, warning him of the Arrival of the Reapers. That he was out of time.

“You’re not going to beat us,” He yelled back. If Reapers could laugh, he imagined Harbinger would have as he disappeared.

“Commander!” Joker’s voice cut through the comms, “Shit, thought we lost you! EDI, get a lock on Shepard’s location!”

Shepard? Who the hell was Shepard?

“Hurry the hell up, Joker, I don’t want to die on this rock!”

Wait. Was _he_ Shepard?

Cullen moved as if he was on cruise control. As the Normandy flew up and opened the airlock, he ran towards it at full speed and jumped, barely landing into the Normandy before it took off. The doors shut and locked behind him as he ran towards the cockpit and stood behind Joker’s chair watching their getaway. They hit the relay just before the asteroid did, escaping at the skin of their teeth.

“Shit,” Cullen swore out, his hands on his thighs, as he leaned forward and gasped for air. His lungs were burning. Like for the first time he was breathing, was actually alive. Like he had been living a shell of a life before. Adrenaline was shooting through him, and for some reason he _laughed_.

“Uh…Commander?” Joker asked, looking at Cullen from the corner of his eye, “Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” He nodded, “Yeah, I’ll go…” to the healer? No. Doctor. “Chakwas in the MedBay. Alert me if I—”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get us out of here.”

Cullen found himself chuckling, though he wiped that smile from his face as he left the cockpit and walked past the ship’s crewmembers as he made it to the elevator. It felt like it was taking all his energy to make it there, not sure if he _would_ make it.

It was in the elevator, once the doors closed, that Cullen put his hand against the doors and closed his eyes. An overwhelming headache taking him over. Memories of a life he didn’t recognize but still knew, memories of his life in Thedas. Everything blending together uncomfortably, vying for power. Two Commanders, fighting for control. Thedas. Earth. Ferelden. Canada. Templars. N7. Skyhold. Normandy. Commander.

_Commander._

The doors swung open and he moved to the left, shuffling towards the Med Bay. As the doors swung open, the last thing he saw was Dr. Chakwas rising from her chair. The last thing he said was, “I’m okay,” before he felt himself falling to the floor and blacking out.

His dreams were darkness at first. Then there were voices.

Voices he knew. Voices that _both sides_ of him knew. Voices of his friends, voices of his enemies. Voices of those he lost. Voices of those left behind.

Darkness turned to light, turned to memories.

Memories of his childhood. _Childhoods_. Plural. Running in the streets of Vancouver. Running in the fields with his siblings in Ferelden. Getting into a fight with a mage. Learning he had his own biotics. Enlisting in the Templars. Enlisting in the Alliance. Determined to prove his worth. Determined to show the world what he could do. Determined to be better than anyone thought he could be.

Passed over romantically for someone else, time and time again. Losing his first girlfriend to an Asari woman. A crush on a woman he couldn’t have. Desire for another among his ranks that he shouldn’t, and allowing himself to be used by that man. Watching someone among his ranks, his crew, die because of his choice. Growing closer to someone else, a shared bond over what they lost. A secret tryst, a kiss that couldn’t be spoken of. A lost love. 

Watching his parents die in Vancouver. Watching his parents sit at the table and congratulate him on getting into the Templars.

Everything blending, a struggle to find a balance of who he was, of _what_ he was.

Cullen. He was Cullen. In both lives, though the last names were different, but he was still _him._ Different versions of the same man made of the products of their times.

And eventually, _acceptance_.

Calm.

And he started to wake up.

A machine was scanning over him in the Med Bay, as he opened his eyes. “Easy, Commander,” Dr. Chakwas said softly, “You’ve been unconscious for a week.” Her tone was calm, careful how she picked her words, careful how she spoke to him. As he sat up, she pressed an arm to his back to help him steady himself. “Stay still. I’d like to run a few more tests, now that you’re awake.”

“Of course, do whatever you need to.” He said with a soft nod and a smile.

Chakwas stalled for a moment, a look of surprise showing on her face for the smallest of moments, before she used her Omni-Tool to scan him. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel okay. A bit of a headache.”

“Yes, that is understandable. Your brain waves were off the charts,” She said, a tone of fascination in her voice. “Were you dreaming, while you were out?”

Cullen raised an eyebrow, felt his heart rate pick up. The monitor next to him beeped as proof. “Yes. Why? Should I be concerned?”

She shook her head. “No. I think perhaps, whatever condition you were suffering from before has been lifted, somehow. You seem…different.”

“Different?” His heart rate maintained its fast pace, betraying that he was scared. He did not belong here. Did he? He should be at the Inquisitor’s side, fighting Corypheus, instead of being here, fighting the Reapers. Both were bad. Both wanted to destroy the way of life. One the world, one the Galaxy, which was worse?

“Cullen,” Chakwas softly spoke, her hand moving to rest of his shoulder, “You are getting yourself worked up, you need to calm yourself. Please.”

 _Cullen_. She had said his name. To hear it calmed his heartbeat, calmed him enough to get to a more even place, as his heart rate lowered. He swallowed hard, knowing there was too much that he needed to unpack. Too much, and not enough time.

The doors to the medbay swung open, and at the door was Admiral Hackett. A man he respected, idolized. A man he knew.

He knew? His head throbbed slightly, and as Chakwas left Cullen’s side to greet Hackett, Cullen rubbed at his temples.

His eyes were closed as he rubbed at his temples, Admiral Hackett’s voice breaking through, “Looks like you've recovered. “

Cullen dropped his hand to his lap and opened his eyes. He nodded and moved off the medical table, and stood on his feet. With his hand extended, he greeted him, “Admiral Hackett.”

The handshake was firm. What Cullen expected. Hackett huffed, “Sounds like you went through hell down there. And, perhaps, in here. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. No more visions if that's what you mean.” Visions of the beacon, or visions of the Reapers? Or, visions of his old life in Thedas? Was that his old life? Was this his _new_ life? “I wasn't expecting to see you here.”

The Admiral shook his head, as he stood with his hands behind his back. “You went out there as a favor to me. I decided to debrief you in person.” His features changed to one of concern, “That was before the Mass Relay exploded and destroyed an entire Batarian system. What the hell happened out there, Commander?”

Cullen sighed. His head throbbed as he searched his memories, to know what happened. What to say. “I confirmed Dr. Kenson's proof. The Reapers were coming and destroying that relay was the only way to stop them. Kenson sedated me for almost two days. I started the engines with little more than an hour left. I tried to warn the Batarian colony, but time ran out.”

Hackett was quiet, considering Cullen’s words before he spoke again. “The Batarians report no survivors, but at least you tried. And you believe the Reaper invasion really was a threat?”

“No doubt about it,” Cullen nodded with confidence. The first feeling of confidence he had since…well. “We literally had minutes to spare.”

“I won't lie to you, Shepard, the Batarians will want blood and there's just enough evidence for a witch hunt. We don't want war with the Batarians, not with the Reapers at the galaxy's edge.”

“What are you saying?”

Hackett moved his hands, from resting behind his back, to resting to his side. The Admiral sighed, “You did what you did for the best of reasons, but there were more than 300,000 Batarians in that system, all dead.”

Cullen stood straighter, “They died to save trillions of lives. If I could have saved them, you bet your ass I would have.” Was he the type to speak to a superior officer like this? He watched Admiral Hackett’s reaction, but saw nothing that would have deemed him incorrect. There was respect there instead.

“You're preaching to the choir, Commander. If it were up to me, I'd give you a damn medal. Unfortunately, not everyone will see it that way.”

“So, what do you suggest?”

Cullen watched as Hackett paced around the Med Bay. “Evidence against you is shoddy at best, but at some point you're going to have to go to Earth and face the music.” He stopped pacing directly in front of Cullen, who simply nodded in understanding. “I can't stop it, but I can and will make them fight for it. “

There was a moment where Cullen worried about what he was thinking, but as he spoke, “I will gladly stand trial,” it spoke to who he was a man. To take responsibility for his actions, to take the fall when he needed to. He had done it through all his training. Templar. N7. Things were getting blurry and confusing, but he was holding onto what was happening as much as he could.

Could Hackett sense he was struggling? Could he tell that Cullen was _different_ than he might have expected? How well did Hackett know Shepard?

 _Very well_ , his memories reminded him. _Very, very well._

Hackett approved of his answer, and perhaps in the way he spoke it. “Glad to see working with Cerberus hasn't stripped away your sense of honor. Do what you need to do, but when Earth calls, you make sure you're there with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit.”

“I don’t see why we need to wait,” Cullen replied again, and this time surprise registered on Hackett’s face. He took a step towards Cullen, his eyes narrowed as he looked him over.

“Are you sure you are feeling alright, Commander?”

“Yes, Sir,” Cullen said with a firm nod.

“Are you certain?”

“Yes.” Cullen nodded again and paused for a beat. “You could say I feel like a new man.”

 _Maker_ , should he have not said that? Hackett’s features shifted again, looking over Cullen as if he had never seen him before, that there was a new person he didn’t know standing there. But the features faded, and Hackett took a commanding stance once more. “Alright. I will stay aboard and give Joker the command to bring you back to Earth. We will alert the crew together, and I will promise those who you grant amnesty to will be allowed to leave on their own accord. Are you in agreement?”

“Yes, sir.”

Hackett extended his hand, and Cullen took it, a firm handshake once more.

“Let’s speak to your crew. And then, we will chart the course for Earth.”

Cullen nodded, ignoring the faster pace his heart took up, and the pounding of his headache. “Understood, Admiral.”

Commander Cullen Shepard, of the SSV Normandy SR-2, surrendered himself peacefully to the Alliance, much to the surprise of most of the crew.

Only a select few knew who he really was.

And as the course was charted for Earth, Joker muttered “This is going to be interesting.” EDI’s interface flashed beside him, simply replying, “On that, Jeff, we can both agree.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more world building for the story.

The first month in Alliance custody is far nicer than what a month in the custody of the Inquisition would have been, and Cullen finds himself wondering how he should have done things differently there while he had the time.

Then again, he found himself still struggling with everything about Thedas, and if it was even real. In custody, he’s not granted the pleasure of the extranet and so he cannot look up anything that he wants to. He tests his luck in the second week, asking if he can have access, but he’s firmly told no. His room (or rooms, rather, it seems like a small apartment) is guarded by a Lieutenant that he does not know; a buff and gruff man who still seems to respect Shepard despite his arrest. _Shepard_ , Cullen has to remind himself, not the man he was. Though now, he wasn’t sure if he could identify as Shepard or Rutherford, only taking comfort in the fact that he still maintained the same first name.

In the second month, he’s allowed books. Actually, printed hard copy books. Most of them are old Earth history, before everything went digital, but it doesn’t matter. He starts to read everything he can get his hands on. It doesn’t matter how old the topics are, Cullen doesn’t know them. Or, he _thought_ he wouldn’t know them but his memories of _Shepard_ are stronger than he thought they would be.

These memories fill in the blanks, and when the history he reads feels familiar, he goes to a new topic. He’s caught up through the 2020s, and through the various wars. He reads through to humanity discovering the Mass Relays.

He knows all of this.

What confuses him is the time. The date. How things are listed chronologically here, and how that could fit into Thedasian times. When he had left the Inquisition – if he could call it _leaving_ on his own merit – it was 9:41 Dragon. Here, it was 2186. So how far off was he? Was he off at all?

Thinking about it just caused his head to throb more, so somewhere along the third week of the second month, Cullen just stopped fighting against it. And in doing that, it was much easier to get through the day.

He doesn’t get many visitors. Most of the time he talks with Lt. Vega, who prefers Cullen calls him by James. James still insists on calling Cullen ‘Commander’ even though at the moment he’s stripped of the rank. They talk about the things they’re allowed to talk about – nothing classified or that James doesn’t know about, Cullen is aware that they’re constantly being recorded.

But Cullen opens up about his history, as much as his memories allow him. Sometimes he slips. He says “Thedas” instead of “Earth”. He talks about the Maker, and then fumbles over words to find the correct phrase he wants (there isn’t really one). For the most part, James doesn’t judge Cullen, and Cullen is thankful for it. James seems to respect the legend of Commander Shepard, and Cullen doesn’t want to take that away from him.

But there is something that has been bothering him. He knows he’s not fully ‘Shepard’. Why hasn’t anyone really noticed that? Doesn’t he look different? Seem different?

At the beginning of the third month, Cullen asks James if he would be allowed to read his own personnel file. “I only want access to my own,” Cullen says, very clearly for those he knows are listening in through his ‘cell’. “I’m just curious to see what the history books will say about me.”

“Sure, Commander,” James says, and shrugs when Cullen shoots him a look. “I’ll talk to Admiral Hackett.”

Cullen doesn’t expect the clearance to come through right away. It doesn’t. It takes another two weeks before James appears at Cullen’s holding cell and walks in with a datapad. “Looks like your request went through,” James says, “Though, I had no doubt. What’s wrong with reading your own file? Though, Brass wants me to officially tell you that this datapad is loaded only with the information that is related directly to you, that you will not be able to access anything else…you know the deal.”

James hands the datapad over to Cullen, who looks at it for a moment, not turning it on yet. “Yeah, don’t worry. Not looking to get anyone _else_ pissed off at me.” He tapped the datapad against his hand and looked at James expectantly.

“I’ll leave you to it, Commander.”

“James—”

“Yeah, I know. Old habit,” the other man waved off, and left Cullen to his own devices.

Specifically, the one in his hand.

Cullen doesn’t touch the datapad for two days. He sets it off to the side and goes back to reading one of the books he was supplied. Specifically, on the history of Human space exploration. He doesn’t get any visitors in those two days either – but it doesn’t surprise him. He knows he’s being watched, being evaluated to how he reacts to whatever information they Alliance may have on him on that datapad.

But 48 hours after he gets it, he finally caves.

His ‘cell’, the small apartment they’ve set up for him, gives him a couch that overlooks the Vancouver skyline. He can see the ships and shuttles flying by in the air, and he can see the people below going about their day. He picks up the datapad and walks over to the window, leaning a shoulder against it.

He finally turns it on.

It is only loaded with the information he requested, and there is a collection of files. The first is the Alliance public record, which he opens first.

_Birth Name: Cullen Stanton Rutherford_

_Aliases: Cullen Stanton Shepard (put on Enlistment Papers)_

_Date of Birth: April 11, 2154_

The date of birth is different, the year is different. He’s only 32. He feels older than that, but technically when he was on Thedas, he was 30. The difference isn’t as great as he had worried it would be. The memories that he has, they blend together easier now, and he doesn’t feel alarmed at the slight age difference.

His name startles him for a moment. Born Rutherford but known as Shepard. His eyebrows furrow as he stares at the information, and a look of confusion crosses over his features. He doesn’t hide his expression, even though he thinks that he should. They’re watching him.

Cullen closes his eyes and tries to remember.

_He’s a young kid on the streets. His parents abandoned him when he was young, he never knew them. All he had was a last name, and nothing else. No other family to call his own._

_He gets into a lot of trouble, runs with the wrong crowds. There’s a fight he gets into when he’s 10; it’s broken up by an Alliance solder named John Shepard. Instead of turning Cullen in for fighting, he decides to take Cullen in as his own._

_John helps to ‘raise’ Cullen, try to teach him how to survive. Cullen decides he wants to enlist in the Alliance because of John. When John dies on a mission when Cullen is 18, Cullen enlists the next day. He lists his name as Shepard instead of Rutherford. He expects flack for it and expects to be kicked out._

_Instead, he’s surprised to learn that Cullen is listed as the only beneficiary in John’s will and is listed as his son. Cullen remains in the military, to live up to John’s name._

He opens his eyes and scans over the biographical information the Alliance publicly puts out for him. None of this is listed. _All that exists is Born on Earth, of Vancouver. Adoptive son of former Captain John Shepard._ _Enlisted 2172._

His past here is different. Alone versus having a large family. How it shaped him was evident to him: from what he could tell the Shepard people knew was closed off. Rough around the edges. Determined to selfishly prove he was the best, because he was constantly fighting for recognition. But it was still him. Still what he could justify as him. Because it _was_ him.

His head started to hurt a little as he tried to sort through the information, tried to compartmentalize but he was struggling with it a little.

Especially when the photo of when ‘Shepard’ enlisted was staring back at him and it was without a doubt _him_. Other photographs within the file were all the same. Every single one of the photos was him.

A photo on the Citadel from years ago stood out to him. Cullen stood in the middle. To his right, was Kaiden. To his left, was Ashley. Tali was off to Ashley’s side, and Garrus and Wrex stood behind them. He remembered that photo being taken. He remembered them chasing down someone to take it for them. Tali insisted, because they were like a family. A moment of reprieve before they went off to Virmire to continue the hunt for Saren.

He stares at that photo for a good long time before he turns the datapad off and tosses it to the couch.

He doesn’t touch it for another two days.

When he finally turns it on again, he skips over the photographs and looks more at the public history the Alliance tells their other soldiers and those who need to be in the know.

_Cullen Shepard joined the Alliance military at age 18. Shepard was on shore leave at Elysium when the first wave of the Skyllian Blitz struck. A massive coalition force of slavers, crime syndicates, and batarian warlords attacked the human colony, determined to wipe it out._

_Shepard rallied civilian inhabitants, leading them in their desperate fight to hold off the invaders. When enemy troops broke through the colony's defenses, Shepard single-handedly held them off and sealed the breach._

_After hours of brutal fighting, reinforcements finally arrived and the enemy broke ranks and fled. Because of his actions, Elysium was saved. Shepard is regarded throughout the Alliance as a true hero._

_Graduate of the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program (service no. 5923-AC-2826). Assigned to SSV Normandy in 2183 as Executive Officer. Later becomes Commander of SSV Normandy in Anderson's steed. First human Spectre._

The file is short, and it ends there.

Beneath the timeline of his achievements in the Alliance, there is a note. _Additional information requires Admiral level access._

Cullen looks up at the camera in the corner of the room, and wonders if Hackett is watching him. He lifts up the datapad in the air, as if to show it to the camera.

The camera focuses to zoom into the datapad, and then zooms out.

The datapad buzzes, and Cullen brings it back down to look at it.

_Access Granted by Admiral S. Hackett._

Cullen looks back up to the camera and nods his thanks and goes to sit down on the couch. His back is to the camera, and he can hear it zooming in to look over his shoulder. Cullen laughs a bit through his nose at that; had Hackett just wanted to see what his reactions were, the man could have just spoken to him.

But he remembers deploying a method like this in Skyhold, using Leilana and her scouts while they spoke to a prisoner. Let the person in custody think they were alone, to judge their true reactions. Only, Leilana usually was cloaked when she observed, and most did not know she was there. Technology here was noisy and gave away the intention.

Then again, Cullen thought that Hackett _wanted_ him to know he was being watched. A courtesy.

He leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he opens the classified information.

 _Killed in action in 2183 following an attack by a Collector ship. Revived by Cerberus in 2185. Official records of Shepard’s time with Cerberus destroyed. All requests to bring in Shepard for questioning for working with Cerberus are denied by top Alliance officials. Collector base destroyed late 2185._ All the information that he expected to have, memories matching up with the information up to the destroy of the Mass Relay and him being brought into custody a few months ago.

But underneath it, there is additional information. Notes. Things he doesn’t know. Locked under the highest level of Alliance clearance; something that only Hackett himself and those he granted it had access to.

_Shepard exhibits signs of an alternate personality. This one still maintains the same name, though he claims to be something called a Templar. Talks about a place called Thedas. Information confirms Thedas to be a planet. Travel to the only known location of Thedas revealed the planet to no longer exist; only asteroids and two large dying moons remain. Research by Dr. T’Soni and Dr. Chakwas reveal early reports of four lifeforms claiming to be Thedsians appearing on the Citadel. What little record there is, supplied by the Asari government, imply they simply ‘appeared’. Identities of Thedsians, or what they actually were, are lost. Possibly blocked under highest levels of Asari government. Dr. T’Soni has been unable to access any additional information and, under the request of Admiral Hackett, has dropped the project until further notice._

_Second personality only comes out at night and is friendlier and nicer than Shepard during the day. Where Shepard during the day is calculating, closed off and is a man hardened by war and loss, this other Shepard (hereon referred to by first name Cullen) is personable, friendly, and by one report by Dr. T’Soni as ‘a bit awkward, but in a nice way’. Shepard has no knowledge of any conversation or action done by Cullen, and for the most part it does not affect his way of work nor his relationships (or lack of) with his crew._

_Additional research seems to confirm that Shepard and Cullen are indeed one person – Personality Cullen did not appear until 2183, lining up with Shepard making first contact with a Prothean Beam. Potentially he is related to one of the four rumored Thedsians._

His heart rate picks up as he reads this information. He can hear the zooming of the security camera behind him, but he does not turn around. The slump of his shoulders, how he runs his hand through his hair, gives his true feelings away.

Another planet? How did they just appear, were there rifts on this planet too? He knew of time magic, but he hadn’t heard of magic flying anyone across planets. Perhaps because they didn’t believe there to be any other planet than where they lived. If they had thought of Thedas as a planet at all.

How was he here?

His fingers tap nervously against the data pad and he considers turning it off. His eyes shift around the room in front of him, and focuses on the window, watching the sunset.

Cullen stared out the window for a long time before he looked back at the datapad in his hand and read the most recent entry on his record. Notes from Dr. Chakwas, from the Normandy SR-2 Med bay, after returning from the asteroid. After he had passed out.

_Patient collapsed due to over exhaustion. When under scans, brain waves were unusually high, and brain activity was lighting up on all sections. Potential that blast from reaper artifact and bomb explosion caused brain damage, additional reports show that the blasts somehow repaired previous damage set by his initial connection with the Prothean Beam._

_Patient has been in and out of consciousness, but for the brief moments he is awake, it seems his Cullen personality is dominant. Yet, he knows the year, he knows everything he has done, and can answer the most complicated questions about Shepard’s history._

_It is my conclusion that the man once known as Shepard is gone and is now blended in fully with Cullen. As if a missing part has been restored. Additional medical examinations needed to firm up conclusion._

Behind him, a door slid open. Footsteps fell heavy on the tile, and Cullen sat up straighter. He stood and turned around, the datapad in his hand, to find Admiral Hackett standing in the room.

“How are you feeling?”

Cullen scoffed out a laugh, and shook his head, “Hell of a question to ask, Sir.”

“I’d still like an answer, if you don’t mind.”

“Confused.”

“And your head?”

“Hurts.”

“Understandable.” Hackett took off his hat and set it down on the table in the center of the room, “I need to know that you remember everything. If you don’t…”

Cullen approached the table and set the datapad down next to Hackett’s hat. “I know what year it is. I know who I am. I know what I’ve done. I know my regrets. I don’t remember the things I might have said when…”

Hackett simply nodded. “I have been told your memories will all be restored in time. Dr. Chakwas has an experimental treatment she’d like to try with you. Non-invasive. It’s been proven to help other soldiers with memory loss, we both believe it will help you.”

Confusion crossed over Cullen’s features, and he crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn’t sure which side of him was doing this, or if there were still two sides to him at all. “It doesn’t matter to you that I’ve apparently been living as someone with split personalities?”

“You’ve always gotten the job done. Not many in your old crew knew about how you were.”

“Did anyone know?”

“Other than Dr. T’Soni and Dr. Chakwas, no. Some may have assumed. Major Alenko—”

“Major?” His eyebrows furrowed.

“Yes. He had a suspicion, but I believe he had chalked it up to stress.”

“Ah.” Cullen did not hide the sigh that escaped him, nor did he stop himself from moving a hand to the back of his neck, swallowing hard. Why did that bother him, that Kaiden had maybe known, when Cullen himself hadn’t? He inhaled deeply, exhaled deeply. “Alright. When do we start the treatment?”

“Tonight, if you want.”

“The sooner the better.” He wanted answers, and he wanted everything now. He knew what it was like to feel trapped by his mind. He knew what it was like to feel like he was in a prison he could not get out of. He had a right to know. Didn’t he? “I want to feel whole.”

That comment seemed to surprise Hackett, who showed this by raising his eyebrow. Cullen balked a little at the sight, wondering if he should have said that. Hackett stared at him for a moment, before he chuckled, “I imagine we’re all searching to feel that way. I’ll get in contact with Dr. Chakwas, we’ll start the treatment tonight.”

Cullen’s shoulders relaxed slightly, and he let his hand drop from his neck. “How do we explain—”

“Already underway,” Hackett nodded. “Cerberus, while reconstructing you, inserted an emotion inhibitor chip that made you easier for the Illusive Man to ‘deal with’, given your former outspokenness against them. When you were sedated by Dr. Kenson, and then knocked back from the explosion she set off, it knocked the chip out of its original location out. Upon return to the Normandy, where you fell unconscious, Dr. Chakwas was able to locate the chip, previously unknown to the Alliance, and remove it. You will take some time to fully recover any memories and actions hidden from you during this time, but you will make a full recovery.”

When Hackett finished speaking, he stood straighter, and picked up his hat from the table.

Cullen, for his part, was shocked speechless. He stared at the Admiral for a moment and blinked a few times before he answered. “And what about my actions on the SR-1?”

“Stress and minor brain damage from the Prothean Beam.”

“Ah. Then I suppose I have nothing to worry about.”

Hackett smirked, “That’s correct.”

“Who will be read into the real situation?”

“Other than Dr. Chakwas and myself? Dr. T’Soni and Admiral Anderson. No one else needs, or will, know.” Looking at the hat in his hand, Hackett takes a moment before he places it back upon his head. He also reached for the data pad.

Cullen watched him closely, finding that for a moment, he wished that he’d leave the datapad behind. But, there are still rules. Even if Hackett tended to find loopholes in them where Cullen was concerned. Or Shepard.

 _Both_ , he had to remind himself. _He was both_.

“Take care, Cullen,” Hackett finished, and Cullen saluted. The use of his first name and not _Shepard_ was not lost on him.

The Admiral took his leave, and Cullen was left to the thoughts in his head until Dr. Chakwas arrived.

It would be another two days before everything went to hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, we start to get into the meat of things!


	3. Chapter 3

_“Where is the Commander? Something terrible has happened!”_

_“She’s dead! The Inquisitor is dead!”_

_“What do we do?”_

_“Where is he?”_

_“Where is the Commander?”_

_“Maker, we lost the Inquisitor and the Commander is gone too. We’re going to lose this war.”_

_But he was right there in front of them. Standing in front of them, but the soldiers could not see him. They called out in agony as they were slaughtered one by one violently in front of him, and he could do nothing. He watched his friends die, one by one. His sword wouldn’t budge. His shield was too heavy. His cloak started to choke him, and he could do nothing but scream._

And Cullen woke up screaming, completely drenched in sweat. But he wasn’t in Skyhold. He was still on Earth. In Vancouver. At Alliance Headquarters. He wasn’t where he thought he was in his dream, and he wasn’t sure if that was better or _worse_ than what he wanted.

He half expected James to be at the door when he woke up, but was glad he wasn’t. Nightmares were nothing new to him, in whatever life he was living – though the screaming like that was. Chakwas had warned him that memories returning to him might be more vivid that he wanted them to be. He had survived the Prothean Beacon, and the visions, how could this be any worse?

He was wrong, of course. So _very_ wrong.

For the last two nights, it had been nothing but nightmares. Reliving the deaths of those he could not save, or in some cases, watching the death of those he cared about. Or, he would be taunted with the life he didn’t have, the life he could never have. One moment, a life with the Inquisitor. In the next, a life with Dorian, expanding on their secret tryst. In another moment, a life with someone he couldn’t quite place but there was something pulling him. Reminding him that whatever this was, _this_ he also could not have.

His nightmares were death and regret, but he could deal with that.

It was no worse than lyrium withdrawal, he had to tell himself.

It was no worse than fighting against someone trying to control his mind.

It was no worse than dying.

Because he had died, hadn’t he?

It put things into perspective, and despite his brain trying to torment him, he wasn’t going to let it.

He got up, he showered. He dressed in his workout clothes, and reached the door just as it was opened. “Hey Shepard.”

“James.”

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

Physical activity was one of the few thing other than books that Cullen was allowed to have while he waited for his military tribunal, and taking laps around the large outdoor track was the only thing that seemed to keep him sane. When he was running, he wasn’t thinking. He was just reacting to the movement, he was keeping his eye out for those around him, he was focusing on pushing himself further and further.

The first day he had gone out on the track months ago, no one was allowed to spectate. It was only Shepard and Vega, people were told. The prisoner, and the guard.

That quickly changed though, when one day they were greeted by Anderson on the track. He wanted to see if Cullen still had it. Was all the sitting around making him soft?

It was a challenge, one that Anderson new that Cullen would rise to. And _that_ started to draw the attention of spectators. They raced three times around the track, with Anderson ultimately coming out the victor, and Cullen actually laughing his ass off as Anderson taunted him.

It was moments like that, that made Cullen feel like he belonged in this world. Even when half of his memories didn’t seem to agree with him.

Today, there was a small crowd on the track. Most of the others were working out on their own, and as Cullen and James ran up, the challenges started. Some challenged both of them, some wanted to challenge one over the other.

A female solider requested a race with James, and of course he could not, and _would not_ resist that. Cullen watched as James clearly took back the pace, letting her run ahead of him, until she called him out on it. “Always knew you were weak, Vega!” He jeered, and as James ran past, Cullen made a show of trying to step in James’ way.

That was until he was hit in the shoulder by a small biotic blast. Not meant to harm, only to _tease_.

_The fireball hits his shoulder, the feathers on his cloak catch and immediately turn to smoke. A little bit of magic not to harm, only to tease. He’s annoyed, having been brought out of his thoughts, and turns around to face the offender._

_“Always be prepared for anything, Commander,” Dorian smirks, “I could have burned your clothes straight off.”_

_“I have no doubt that you would have enjoyed that, Dorian.” His annoyance subsides quickly, and in its place is a warm feeling, not unlike a fire being lit in his stomach._

_“You know me so well.”_

Cullen blinks and inhales sharply, touching his shoulder as if he expects to be on fire. He’s not though, it was just a biotic push. Teasing.

People are muttering and talking behind him, and he finally turns to see where the blast came from.

Though he turns too slow, and there’s another one at his feet.

He looks up and meets the eyes of the ‘offender’, and he _grins_.

He remembers this game.

Cullen laughs as he makes it onto the track, and he starts running, and the biotic traps and blasts start coming at full speed.

The track is cleared and everyone heads to the bleachers to watch as Major Kaidan Alenko is sending biotic waves towards former Commander Cullen Shepard.

Cullen is jumping and dodging, evading the attacks. Kaidan is pushing himself to his limits, giving it everything he has. Another lap, and more traps. Kaidan pulls crates into the Commander’s path with his biotics, and Cullen vaults over them.

It feels good to be doing this. It’s a level of adrenaline that he hasn’t experienced in a long time.

He looks to the center of the track, and Kaidan is glowing blue. It distracts Cullen, enough that he’s hit with a blast in his shoulder.

Cullen takes off towards Kaidan and is running right for him. He feels the familiar feeling of throwing up his own barrier, and jumps into the air towards Kaidan to attempt to tackle him – only to find he never makes it to the ground.

Kaidan holds up his hand and throws Lift, and Cullen is tossed into the air, before Kaidan’s biotics bubble around Cullen protectively and pull him back down to the ground.

He’s breathing a little harder than he wanted to, but Cullen finally sees how Kaidan is looking at him. There’s a look of shock, and his pupils are blown.

Cullen realizes that he’s feeling how Kaidan _looks_ and he wonders what he looks like.

His heart rate is climbing still, despite the fact that he’s not moving anymore, as Kaidan’s biotics slowly disappear from around Cullen.

_“I like when you use them on me.”_

_“Yeah? Why is that?”_

_“Comfort, I guess,” he replies, another drink. One of the night conversations they have._

_“You guess?” Kaidan looks apprehensive, and he looks nervous. He takes the bottle of whiskey from Cullen and drinks, as if he’s trying to hide being caught at something._

_“Yeah. The buzzing feeling, knowing it comes from you. Makes me think you care, Alenko.”_

_Kaidan practically chokes when Cullen says this, and Cullen just rests back against the chair and grins. Kaidan doesn’t reply._

The others around are cheering, happy for the distraction. Cullen wants to say something to Kaidan. Kaidan tries first, “Shepard, I…”

They’re cut short.

Alarms sound through the compound, booming. An explosion is in the distance. Then another one. Things are getting louder, getting closer. Screaming of humans, and then screeching of something else.

They know the sounds. They know them too well.

James comes running over, “Commander. Major. We got big problems. Anderson is looking for you both.”

Cullen and Kaidan share a look, before Cullen nods, “Let’s go.”

It’s the Reapers.

Cullen knows he shouldn’t be surprised, but seeing this all in front of him seems surreal. He’s lucky to survive the blast again, and as Anderson helps him up, the Admiral is concerned.

“Shepard, you fully with me?”

“Yeah, Sir. I didn’t get my brains knocked out, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“Good, come on.” He tosses Cullen a pistol as they make their way towards the Normandy.

The fight is not what Cullen expects, but again, he’s not exactly sure what he is expecting now.

Part of him knows this enemy. Knows this enemy well, and has been fighting them for years. He’s essentially made his career on hunting the Reapers. He’s a force to be dealt with.

The other part of him doesn’t know this at _all_. He’s used to dragons, but _Reapers_ are something else completely different. He’s seen the mutations that magic has done to people, he’s seen what red lyrium does to those who are tainted by it. He wonders for a moment if it’s not that different after all.

Either way he puts it, what they’re fighting used to be their own people, their own race. And now…

They make it towards the Normandy, and Cullen runs and leaps onto the ship, helped up by Kaidan. But he notices that Anderson hasn’t followed.

It doesn’t matter that Cullen asks Anderson to come with him, and it doesn’t matter that Anderson says no. As Cullen catches his dog tags, they feel as if they burn his skin, trying to force a connection that he already feels. They’re heavy in his hand, as Anderson yells that he’s reinstated into the Alliance and they have to get going.

Joker peels them out of the Earth’s atmosphere just in time, as more Reapers touch down on Earth in force. Cullen immediately heads for the armory, gathering gear, finding a better weapon.

He realizes his hands are shaking.

“The fight is _here_ , where the fuck are we going?” James is shouting and Kaidan is just as frustrated, but Cullen can’t quite tell what or who it’s at. He’s not sure it matters.

“We’re getting out of here and we are getting help!”

“The hell we are! We need to stay here and—”

“Vega, _shut up_ ,” Cullen snaps, “Anderson told us to talk to the Council and that’s what we’re going to do, if we get—”

“Shepard,” Joker’s voice filters through the speaker, “Hate to interrupt the screaming fest, but Hackett is on vid.”

“Patch him through,” Cullen says, his eyes still narrowed at James, before he turns to the vid. “Admiral, we’re going to—”

The audio is broken up, but Cullen catches it enough. Orders are to go to Mars first. To find whatever _Dr. T’Soni_ has found. If it’s something that can win this war, it doesn’t matter what it is.

And as they enter the orbit in Mars, and the three men enter the shuttle to head down planet side, Cullen remembers what it was like to fight for their lives in Haven after the breach closed. The calm before the storm, before the archdemon and corrupted magister coming to kill them all. He survived that, barely. Hell, the Inquisitor herself had barely survived it.

Now he was being thrown head first into yet another war. One he only half understood.

The shuttle doors shut behind them, Cullen held his hands together to stop them from shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and away we go! for future references: assume all missions are completed in a paragon way, unless stated otherwise in the story.


	4. Chapter 4

“Kaidan!” Cullen’s voice didn’t feel like his own as he screamed out and watched in horror as the robotic body of Eva Core held Kaidan up by his helmet, and slammed him repeatedly into the crashed Cerberus shuttle. Kaidan was tossed to the side like a broken toy, and she set her sights on Cullen.

He was quick to react, rapid firing shots into her body, screaming out in frustration until her body shut down and collapsed. He shot it again for good measure and holstered his pistol as he ran to Kaidan’s side.

“Kaidan!” It didn’t matter, the biotic was completely unresponsive, but the vital signs on his helmet showed he was at least still breathing. For now. “James, get that _thing_ and let’s get out of here,” he commanded, as he bent down to pick up Kaidan’s body and lifted him in his arms.

He didn’t feel right throwing Kaidan over his shoulder as James had done to the robotic body, and was holding onto Kaidan in almost a tender way that he didn’t want to over-analyze.

Before this, the mission had felt a bit like old times. The three men worked well together, James easily picking up where Kaidan and Cullen had left off. It felt good to be fighting alongside Kaidan again. Like it was old times. And, just like old times, there was the arguments over Cullen’s choices.

He had defected from Cerberus, he had been used by them just like countless others. Cullen understood the apprehension that Kaidan had – he too was quick to judge sometimes. After all, hadn’t he been quick to judge mages in another life simply by who they _were_? He hadn’t known better, he hadn’t known the situation. It wasn’t exactly the same, it was comparing apples to oranges, but Cullen could still see the similarities.

Seeing Liara again had been different as well – simply because he was going into this knowing she knew more of his ‘history’ than anyone else did. And the first time they spoke, how Cullen asked questions and was attentive, cared about the answers, cared about what she was doing the last time they saw each other, she knew.

She called him ‘Cullen’ instead of ‘Shepard’ and gave him a look.

She knew.

Somehow though, that made it easier.

So when he carried Kaiden into the Normandy and to the elevators and did not let go, she didn’t comment. When he gently set the other man down on the medical table, and stayed close as Dr. Chakwas ran a scan on him, she didn’t judge.

“Shepard,” She spoke, and then more firmly, “ _Shepard_. He needs medical attention, more than we can give him here.”

“I know.”

He couldn’t look away.

The thought that he could lose Kaidan was…

“We need to leave _now_ ,” Liara firmly spoke, and Cullen snapped his head up.

“I know.” He backed away from the table, as Joker’s voice cracked in.

“Hackett’s on the vid comm. I’m setting a course for the Citadel, Commander.”

“Good.”

Cullen made his way towards the war room – how odd that he would once again be well acquainted with a war room in a war he didn’t want to fight.

Similarities, everywhere he looked, but right now he couldn’t focus on the differences.

Not when they needed to get to the Citadel as soon as possible.

Hackett’s QED form was crackling, breaking up and Cullen sighed. “EDI, can we clear this up?”

“Of course Commander,” as Hackett was as clear as if he was standing physically in front of him.

“Admiral Hackett.”

Hackett nodded, hands behind his back. “Did you and Dr. T’Soni get what you needed?”

“Yes, we—”

Liara’s voice interrupted behind him, “Shepard, let me.”

Cullen stood to the side as Liara explained what happened, what they found. Blueprints for the Crucible, needing to find something called the Catalyst. They spoke about the next plan, and what happened on Mars. What happened to Kaidan.

“Shepard, you know this is only the first of many,” Hackett started, and Cullen’s face curled in anger.

“We haven’t lost him, and I refuse to lose anyone in this fight, Admiral.”

“That is unrealistic to think that way, _Cullen_.”

The emphasis on his name, the way that Hackett took a step forward, Cullen took notice. But he did not back down.

“With due respect, _sir_ , I believe I am more than capable of making the correct calls to limit any casulaties. I request you let me prove that.”

He felt Liara’s hand on his shoulder, and he stepped away out of her touch.

“Just get the job done. Get the Council to help. Hackett, out.”

The connection faded in front of them, and Liara reached out to touch Cullen again but he walked right past her towards the command center table.

“Cullen,” Liara tried again, but this time, she kept her distance.

He rested his hands on the table in front of him, his head down.

“I understand you’re dealing with a lot more than you normally do right now.”

A scoff escapes him, and he lifts his head to look at Liara. “I’m fine, Liara.”

“Are you?” She takes a step forward and her eyes narrow in concern as she looks him over.

He sighs, “I see what you’re trying to do.”

“Don’t you think we need to talk?”

“No. Not right now. Not when there are more pressing concerns.” Joker’s announcement of when they would be at the Citadel filtered through the sound system, and Cullen turned and walked away from Liara, passing through the security scanner. He wasn’t ready to discuss anything. He still wasn’t certain that any of this was real, that he wasn’t just in some sort of walking nightmare.

_“Do you think it’s a nightmare?”_

_Kaidan’s voice is quiet, as he takes a seat next to Cullen on the couch in the Captain’s quarters. They’ve defeated Saren. They’ve defeated Sovereign. The Citadel is saved, even if no one believes them about the Reapers. A bottle of TM-88 Peruvian Whiskey is sitting on the table in front of them, half gone._

_They’ve gotten used to sharing this whiskey. Kaidan usually is the one who brings it out, when he knows they’ll have quiet moments alone._

_Cullen shakes his head, “It doesn’t feel like one. I’ve had them all my life. Back in Thedas I —ah. Sorry.” Cullen sets his glass back down on the table in front of them, and he rubs the back of his neck. He tilts his face away, frowns as a flush of pink colors his cheeks in embarrassment. “I know you still think I’m making all that up.”_

_He feels Kaidan’s eyes on him, watching him carefully, and it’s a long moment before he does anything. Eventually, Kaidan shrugs his shoulders, pouring more into both of their glasses. He hands Cullen back his glass, and settles back into the couch with his own. His fingers, long and calloused, tap against the glass. The ice clinks gently. “I think that these are the only times I get to find out who you are. Who you really are, and I won’t trade these times for anything.”_

_Cullen takes the glass and considers it for a moment before he takes another drink. “Can I ask you something?”_

_“Yeah. Of course.”_

_“Why do you keep coming up here for these talks, if you know I’ll only remember them at night?”_

_Kaidan was in the middle of taking a sip of his whiskey, but stops. He sets the glass down and leans forward, his arms resting on his knees. He turns towards Cullen. “When you’re fighting a battle during the day, you’re cold. Calculated. Ruthless. Void of any connection and emotion. It makes you a fantastic soldier, if I’m being honest. Can see why you’ve gotten where you are now. But the moment the night comes, and you…shift, I guess is the word I’m looking for here, into who you are now, it’s different. Better. You’re compassionate. You’re understanding. You think of the best move but you take others into account. That’s the man I like getting to know. I don’t know what is going on with you, but maybe you’ll get to be whole someday.”_

_“Whole?”_

_“No matter what you’re presenting yourself as, you always look like you’re missing part of yourself, Cullen.” Kaidan picks up his glass again, and takes a drink. “So, I hope I get to be around to see you whole.”_

_“Yeah,” Cullen nods, and finally he smiles. He lifts his glass, “A toast.”_

_“To what?”_

_“To ‘someday’.”_

The doors slide open and Cullen steps out to the CIC, but he pauses at the elevator. Liara is right behind him, and he doesn’t need to look at her to know she was seeing something on his face. He inhaled sharply, and exhaled slowly. She reaches out for him but once again he turns away. “Not right now. _Please_ ,” his voice is almost a whisper, not wanting anyone else to see or hear. And on this ship, word travels fast.

“Commander, coming to the Citadel. Get ready to dock. Medical teams are standing by.”

***

Logically, it makes sense to see the Council first. Emotionally, he wants to go the Huerta Memorial first, but also logically that doesn’t make sense.

So he goes to the presidium, and gets the exact reception that he’s expecting.

Luckily, he’s prepared. He knows how the Council will react, it doesn’t matter how many times he has saved them or done right by them. Udina is rightfully pissed, Liara is frustrated, and Cullen is just over it.

How many times had he been told that he couldn’t do what needed to be done? How many times had he been looked over? He had made his fair share of mistakes. He had lived through his fair share of hells. On Thedas, he was constantly second guessed. He hadn’t felt he really truly earned his spot as Commander of the Inquisition, despite Cassandra insisting he was the right man for the job. That the Maker himself would have been proud to see him there, that Andraste would smile upon her faithful follower. But his withdrawals caused him anguish, and he would black out for hours due to the pain.

Though now, knowing what he knew, he wondered if the hours he wasn’t present in Thedas was simply bringing him here, to the other side of the galaxy. Since apparently, Thedas had been a planet.

He still wasn’t wrapping his mind around that, and he didn’t have the capacity to do so. Not with everything else going on.

Cassandra is most likely the Commander of the Inquisition now. He wonders if they tried to find him when he disappeared. He imagines that Cassandra did. He wonders if he was mourned when they realized he would never return. He doesn’t want to dwell on what his self-deprecating side wants to tell him.

So, he doesn’t.

But it’s not the first time he was told he wasn’t capable of the impossible. It wouldn’t be the last.

The rest of the visit to the Embassies goes as he expects it. His Spectre status is upheld, because they need someone who can work outside the law, as they always have. A political move is made to go to Palaven’s moon, because it’s always _take, take, take_ and then if he’s lucky he’ll get something in return.

So much of this life is not that much different than the political game he knows, and there’s comfort in that. Small comfort.

He runs into a reporter before reaching the elevator, and she’s cursing at him loudly. He winces, not at her words, but at the memories of how he’s treated her in the past.

But he stands tall in front of her as she asks what he’s going to do while people on Earth are dying, and as she starts to break down, he reaches out and touches her shoulder gently. She flinches at first, but then relaxes. She cries that so many people are dying, and she doesn’t know what to do.

“Keep the Council aware of what is going on. Don’t let them forget about Earth. And know that I’m here, fighting to take our home back.” He wonders if she’ll believe him. He’s treated her horribly before.

She turns off her camera, and nods. “Thanks Commander. Even though you can be a violent thug, I’m still glad you’re on our side.”

_Violent thug._ He breathes deep through his nose and clears his throat, and heads off to the elevator.

When he steps off the elevator into Huerta Memorial, he doesn’t ask where he needs to go, he is just on autopilot, making his way into the patient area.

The doors slide open, and one of the doctor’s recognizes him and gestures to the door behind him. Cullen walks into the room and waits for it to close before he looks at Kaidan.

He’s breathing, at least. A small miracle considering, and Cullen picks up the medical datapad. He’s going to recover, he’ll be okay, but that knowledge doesn’t stop his heart from feeling like it’s going to leap out of his chest and onto the tile floor.

He sets the datapad back down, and walks over to Kaidan’s bedside. For the briefest of moments, he considers touching Kaidan’s hand but stops himself. It dawns on him that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, that he doesn’t know what he’s feeling.

“Kaidan,” He manages to get it out, and he has no idea if the other man can hear him. He’s most likely sleeping, sedated, allowing himself to heal. “Since I’m assuming you can’t hear me, and you’re not going to fight me on it, I’m…just going to say something.”

He pauses, because he’s not sure what that something is. He just watches Kaidan, watches as his chest rises and falls.

“Actually, there’s a lot of things I want to say. But I don’t have the words for them. I’d rather you be awake to hear them. I think I owe you that. Maybe I owe myself that too. But I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other. You need to fight. If we’re going to win this war, we need the best. I need the best. I need…”

He lets his thought drop off.

“Just get better. Rest up. And I’ll see you soon.”

He shoves his hands awkwardly into his pocket, and turns to leave, as a Doctor walks in. He nods towards the Doctor, and he leaves the hospital to head back to the Normandy.

Because now the galaxy needs him, and he doesn’t want to focus on what is starting to brew under the surface.


	5. Chapter 5

_He’s in Alliance dress blues, and in front of him is woods. Trees as far as the eyes can see. He starts to walk forward, onward until his feet start to hurt, and then he just continues to walk more._

_“Cullen,” he hears his voice being called out, but there isn’t just one voice saying it. It’s a combination of voices._

_They repeat his name over and over, as he keeps walking. In the distance, there is a glow. A figure walks ahead of him and starts to run._

_He starts to run in return, chasing after it._

_The voices begin to taunt him. “I am who I am today because of you, Commander.” Samson._

_“Did you really think you could amount to anything without my guidance?” Knight-Commander Meredith._

_“You’re an asshole, Commander. I can’t be around you.” Ashley._

_“My son has become a killer, and I could not stop him because of you. We are done talking, Shepard.” Thane._

_“She’ll never accept you. Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her.” Solas._

_“What are you hiding? I will find out. I always do.” Leilana._

_He runs faster, harder, pushing himself to the edge. He’s running away from the voices, running towards the figure in the dark_

_Around him, the forest starts to light up. Flames are starting to devour everything it touches, and it is closing in on him quickly._

_“I thought I knew you, Cullen. But this? Working for Cerberus?” Kaidan._

_The figure he was chasing has stopped running. And as he gets closer, his eyes go wide in recognition._

_It’s him. In his full lion armor, his shield on his back, his hand resting on the pommel of his sword. He stares back at himself, eyes black._

_The fire is closer now, and Cullen steps forward to the man he used to be and watches as his former life is fully engulfed in flames, before the fire takes him alive._

His eyes fly open and he sighs heavily. Pushing himself off the bed, he moves to the shower, stripping away the Alliance uniform he sweated through.

He stands motionless under the showerhead, letting the water just fall over him, but he doesn’t close his eyes. He stares at a corner of a tile on the wall and stays there until he figures he’s clean _enough_ to be functional. Clearing his mind used to be so much easier. The nightmares were easier to handle when it was just one past he was fighting against.

So of course, now, when he was in the middle of a galactic war, _now_ he was struggling on all accounts.

He gets out of the shower, pulling on a t-shirt and a leather jacket, throwing on some jeans and moves to leave his quarters, to only walk into Liara.

“Shepard. We should talk.”

“Liara, is this really the time?”

She pushes him back into his quarters, and he sighs heavily, too exhausted to fight her. “Judging by how you look, yes now is the time.”

Cullen rolls his eyes and paces around the quarters, while Liara takes a seat on the couch. He doesn’t say anything, he just paces back and forth, and waits for her to speak first.

“Do you still believe you’re Thedasian?”

That gets Cullen to stop in his tracks, and he closes his eyes. He raises a hand to his face and rubs his eyebrows. “Liara.”

She sighs, “You knew exactly what I wanted to talk about, are you surprised that I’m getting right to it? I need to know who I’m dealing with.”

“You know exactly who you’re dealing with, Liara!” He’s quick to point his finger towards her, his features not hiding his annoyance, “You’ve spoken to Hackett. You’ve spoken to Chakwas. Don’t pull this bullshit on me, I don’t have the time for it.”

Liara stands her ground and crosses her arms over her chest. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Seriously?” Cullen lets his arms fall to his side, and sighs heavily. “Yes. Fine. Okay? Yes. Yes, and I remember everything of that life, and I remember most of this life, and I don’t know what you expect me to say here.”

She makes an approving sound, a hum, and stands up. “So, Dr. Chakwas’ treatments are working?”

He blinks. “I suppose so.”

“Garrus told me that you seemed different on Menae.”

“Ah.” That gets Cullen to sit down on the edge of the bed. “You already know the story that Hackett is telling everyone who asks.”

Liara nods, but she makes a face. “Do you seriously think you’ll be able to keep this a secret from those of us who have been with you since the beginning?”

“Liara, I have no intention to—”

“---do you think you can keep this from Kaidan?”

“I…” Cullen starts, and then stops. His heart rate picks up its pace and he frowns. “No.” Once more he rubs his forehead, and frowns. His hands shake a little, but he covers it up by holding onto the edge of the bed hard enough that it forces his body to compensate for the pressure.

Liara gets up from the couch and moves to sit next to Cullen on the edge of the bed. She puts a hand on his shoulder, but this time he doesn’t flinch away. He holds his head downward. “He has an idea, you know. You spent most of the time with him after Ashley died. I think he thought it was stress-related causing the manifestation of your ‘other personality’. That’s what he officially told Hackett and Anderson on the record.”

Cullen doesn’t say anything.

“But he knows more than that, doesn’t he?”

Cullen presses his lips together tightly, as he runs a hand over his face before he sits up straighter. Liara’s hand falls away to her lap. “I’m still getting all the memories back from the treatments. But I spoke about Thedas with him. Quite a bit, I think.”

She nods, “I always wondered why you were more willing to confide in him than me. You know, I used to be jealous of that.”

He raises an eyebrow, and she laughs, “Don’t worry. That was just me being idealistic. But I’m glad that we get to see you now for who you are.”

_Maybe you’ll get to be whole someday._

He quickly closes his eyes, and Liara sighs. “Are you getting more memories back?”

“Yes.” He gives a small lie, because this one had already returned.

“It will get easier. At least you don’t have the memory capability of a Drell…”

“Yeah, but even if I did, I can’t exactly ask the one Drell I knew, can I.”

The problem with getting his memories back was also the problem of knowing what he did when he wasn’t fully emotionally there. The Suicide Mission had lived up to its name; Jacob and Thane hadn’t made it back alive. Combined with losing Ashley on Virmire, the body count was adding up far more than he was comfortable with. Another reason why he refused to see anyone else die. Not under his command. Not while he was on his way to becoming whole.

“I’ll find a way to deal with it,” Cullen continues, standing up from the bed and brushing his arms off despite there being nothing to brush off the jacket. “I’m not going to burden anyone with this, not while we have a war going on.”

“Cullen,” Liara softly says, and he flinches at the use of his first name. Like part of him is trying to get used to it, trying to admit defeat of who he had been before.

“I’m fine, Liara. I have some reports to file to Hackett, can we talk later?” It’s not an actual promise to continue the conversation, and he knows Liara understands that. If she’s upset at his dismissal of her, she doesn’t show it.

“Of course, Commander. You know where to find me if you need me.”

He nods, and heads over to his private terminal, and waits for Liara to leave. They’re an hour out from Grissom Academy, he should prepare for the mission and what they might find.

A ping at his terminal stops him.

_Hey Shepard,_

_Looks like I survived the beating I took on Mars. Doctors say I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time._

_Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept._

_Stop by my room at the hospital when you're on the Citadel next. I'd really like your advice._

_Thanks,_

_Kaidan_

Cullen reads it a few times, his upper lip curling upward in a small smile. Kaidan would make a good Spectre. Maybe, he thinks, better than him. Not as much baggage.

He starts to type out a response, something quick. The messages on his private terminal have extra encryption, he doesn’t worry about what he wants to send. This will be quick, he tells himself.

_Hey Kaidan,_

_Glad you made it through. I was_

He stops. The cursor blinks a few times. He types _I was concerned about you_ but then he deletes it. He types _worried about you_ but it holds the same meaning and he deletes that too. He deletes the entire message and starts over.

_Kaidan,_

_Good to hear from you. Heading to Grissom Academy right now to investigate a distress call, but can make it to Citadel after. Be happy to stop by and chat then._

_\- Cullen_

He sends the message and moves to get up from his chair when a direct message appears on his terminal. From Kaidan.

_K.Alenko: Cullen?_

Cullen’s eyes go wide as he realizes his mistake. He checks the time, and it reads out 10:23 AM Galactic Standard Time.

He signed the message back as _Cullen_ when at this time, he’d normally write it as Shepard.

Another message comes in, and Cullen swallows down his heart so it doesn’t escape.

_K.Alenko: Hello?_

It’s another long beat before he replies.

_C.Shepard: Hey._

_K.Alenko: Hey. You caught me while I was checking my messages. Thought I’d take a chance, see if you were around._

_C.Shepard: You caught me, Alenko._

_K.Alenko: Yeah. Suppose I did._

_C.Shepard: You’re feeling better?_

_K.Alenko: Yeah. Won’t be out of here just yet, but I should be able to leave soon. Need to make sure my implant didn’t get messed up._

_C.Shepard: Need you at 100%. Listen to the doctors._

_K.Alenko: Sure, sure. Getting restless though. Wish I was out there, instead of stuck in here._

_C.Shepard: You’ll be out soon enough._

_K.Alenko: Yeah._

_K.Alenko: So._

_K.Alenko: It’s Cullen now?_

Cullen leans forward, his elbows resting on his desk. Underneath it, his foot bounces nervously on the floor. He can already see how he _might_ have answered it before. Something about how it was a slip, and it was Shepard or Commander to him. But it didn’t feel right to lie. Things were complicated enough as it already was.

_C.Shepard: Yeah._

_K.Alenko: Oh._

_C.Shepard: I’d like to talk to you. In person._

_C.Shepard: But I’ve got to get ready to dock._

_K.Alenko: Okay._

_C.Shepard: I’ll see you soon._

_K.Alenko: Wait._

_K.Alenko: Let me ask something._

_C.Shepard: Sure._

_K.Alenko: Do you remember?_

_C.Shepard: It’s better to talk in person. You know they sometimes monitor these._

_K.Alenko: Okay. Then. Answer me another way. So I’ll know._

_K.Alenko: Then I won’t bother you._

_K.Alenko: Promise._

_K.Alenko: Please._

Joker’s announcing they’re close to Grissom Academy. Cullen knows he has to prepare. He debates just letting the message go unread, but that would be cruel. He wasn’t that man. Or, not that man here, anymore.

_C.Shepard: Someday._

The reply isn’t immediate, and Cullen wonders if Kaidan doesn’t understand. But then his message comes in.

_K.Alenko: I’ll drink to that._

Cullen allows himself a half smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are love <3 let me know if you're enjoying this!


	6. Chapter 6

Running into Jack isn’t quite what he expected; she calls him _Commander Hardass_ , and when he balks at it (unable to help himself), she laughs. She’s changed, she tells him that much, and she admits she can tell there is something different with him too. That she’s still pissed off that he sided with Miranda, but when she punches him hard across the face, he easily admits that he deserved that. It even gives him a black eye, but they both grin about it after.

From what he’s been gathering, he might have deserved a lot worse, and he’s starting to realize that there is a lot of damage control he might have to do. Hackett’s cover story is making enough sense to those who didn’t work with Shepard through the years but for those who _did_ it’s harder to convince them.

He just doesn’t want everyone knowing. He doesn’t _trust_ everyone. He can count who he trusts, half of them are on the Normandy.

Getting Jack, Kahlee, and the students out of Grissom Academy isn’t as bad as it could have been, and there was a brief moment where Cullen found himself taking out all his aggression and rage on the Cerberus soldiers that were attacking the station.

But, that was something the old Shepard used to do regularly, so there really wasn’t anything different there. The Black Widow was securely in his hand, cloaking as he did head shot after head shot. Or, he would just take them head on in close combat with his Omni-Blade and his fists. It’s reckless to be this way. It’s reckless to run head first into a fight, and he _knows_ that.

He would never allow his soldiers to do that back with the Inquisition, and he would reprimand them for doing it. The Inquisitor, they would say, does it all the time. But Cullen hated it when she did it, hated it when she would do it with a laugh and grin on her lips – but he understood it now. There was something freeing about not being held back. The freeing feeling quickly was grounded by the struggles and demand of command, but Cullen knew command well. Or, he could pretend enough to make people _believe_ he knew it well.

It didn’t matter what universe, galaxy, planet he was on. He still doubted himself regularly. Some things would never change.

The plan is to go to the Citadel to drop Jack and her students off, but they start to beg to have a little more time on the Normandy, to see what it’s like.

He relents, and it gives Jack time to catch up with Joker and Garrus. Cullen brings Kahlee into the QEC room, and manages to get a connection with Anderson. Anderson looks shocked to see Kahlee in front of him. Cullen leaves the room and shuts the door to let them have time to talk.

If he can help people make connections back with the people they cared about, maybe it can make everything else a little easier. It’s a small hope, but he’s trying.

So, he goes to meet with the diplomatic ships.

And he’s not surprised to find that once again, someone is pulling a political move. He’s also not surprised to find Cerberus attacking. _Again._

It just reminds him of the same mercenaries that always fought in the streets at night in Kirkwall. Or the Red Templars, just never seeming to give up. Wouldn’t it be nice, to just have something go easy for once?

_“If it was easy, Cullen,” the Inquisitor laughs, “then it wouldn’t be fun.”_

_“Of course, does our dear Commander know what fun is?” Dorian easily replies._

_Cullen isn’t sure if he’s flustered or annoyed, so he just walks away leaving them laughing at his back._

He doesn’t miss the teasing. Most of the time. His brain picks random times to show memories, and while fighting at Atlas on Sur’Kesh to get Eve transported out of her holding cell isn’t exactly an _ideal_ time.

“Shepard! Take that Atlas out! Have you lost your touch?” Wrex yells over comms, and Cullen ignores it, finishing off the Atlas with a well-placed shot.

Wrex is laughing over the comms, as Eve steps out. She’s ready to get off the planet. He is too. Mordin is happily chatting away with Garrus and catching up as they head for the shuttle when Eve grabs Wrex’s gun and shoots a Cerberus soldier behind him.

“I like her, Wrex. I think she might keep you in line,” Cullen remarks, and Wrex laughs harder.

The ship is filled even more now, and Cullen feels better to have so many people around. Even if they don’t know everything about him, or even all of him, some of them are familiar. The War Room is a little more crowded with bodies and hot air as Victus and Wrex bicker, each holding their own secrets back from the other. Mordin and Eve take over the med bay – Mordin comments on Cullen’s healing facial scars, but also comments on his black eye.

“Got it from Jack.”

“Ah. Very good. Was wondering when that would happen.” Mordin smirks at Cullen and gets back to his tests, and he can hear Eve chuckling.

Things are better. At least, a little bit.

They set a course for the Citadel – Jack, Kahlee, and the students have things they need to do. Mordin needs some supplies. Wrex wants to pick up a package an old war buddy left him. It’s the most logical next step. Check in, fuel up, head back out.

They have an hour before they dock at the Citadel. Cullen goes down to the Shuttle Bay, where James and Jack are going head-to-head.

“Shepard, just in time,” Cortez calls him over, gesturing towards the sparring match in front of them. “James went off about how he’s stronger than most biotics. Jack wanted to prove him wrong.”

Cullen’s eyebrow raised, and he laughed through his nose. “And?”

“Oh she’s wiping the floor with him,” was the easy reply, and Cortez actually snorted after he said it.

Jack blasts James back and captures him in a biotic bubble and lifts him up off the ground and towards the ceiling of the shuttle bay. He yelps, “Oh _shit!”_ and Jack’s students are cheering wildly.

“Still think you’re better, meathead?” Jack teases, and James laughs,

“Alright, alright! Let me down!”

“Careful what you wish for,” Jack says, and releases the bubble around James and he goes falling fast – before she catches him again and lowers him safely the rest of the way.

James is rattled, but with a huge grin on his face, it’s clear that he doesn’t actually _mind_ it. He turns his attention towards Cullen. “Hey, Commander. Wanna go two on one?”

Jack scoffs, “What, the two of you against me? _Easy_.”

“Nah, two of _us_ against _him_.”

The students cheer, and Cortez nudges Cullen’s shoulder. “Would like to see that.”

“Come on, Shepard!” Jack calls him over, “Or are you chicken?”

Cullen rolls his eyes, and raises his hands up in mock defeat as he walks over to them, and doesn’t get a moment to himself before the attacks begin. He fights off punches from James and biotic blasts from Jack, the two of them combining and attacking him from different sides, pushing him back.

He fights back with earnest, blasting Jack, blocking James with his arm, and he even gets a few hits in on both.

James and Jack retreat a little, look at each other and nod. James gets his fists up, and Jack goes full biotic power as they both start to run towards him.

Cullen took a step back to hold himself steady, and threw up his shield to block the impact.

He threw up his shield as he always had before, but it’s different this time.

Instead of the shield dancing over his body, a form goes in front of him. Like an actual shield. It’s a mix of hologram and biotics, something that he didn’t know he had, or could even do.

James and Jack stop in their tracks, staring at what Cullen conjured up, and it’s as he holds it out in front of him that he realizes that he’s created his Inquisition shield. His shield from Thedas.

He didn’t realize just how much he needed to see that, and he grins as he holds the shield up, still in his defensive stance. He raises an eyebrow to James and Jack. “What?” He teased, “You haven’t seen anyone do that before?”

Jack’s biotics cooled down and James lowered his fists. Jack was the first one to break the weird tension felt by everyone in the room. She laughed and walked up to Cullen’s ‘shield’ and poked it with her finger. “Holy fuck, that’s _awesome_ , how did you do that? I gotta learn that!”

Once Jack spoke, the reaction of everyone else in the shuttle bay was the same, as some of the students came up to touch it, and started asking questions about how they could learn that. James stood back with Cortez, and crossed his arms, shaking his head in amusement. Cullen found himself _also_ very surprised, but that wasn’t something to unpack here.

Why would he be able to manifest something so out of place like that?

As the students asked more questions, he did his best to answer them before Joker’s voice came over the intercom saying they were a 30 minutes out from the Citadel.

Cullen laughed, as he let the shield cool down and it disappeared, the students very audibly showing their disappointment. “I got to keep some secrets for me. But, hey, keep up with your studies with Jack, and maybe I’ll show you some day.” He turned to leave, to the protest of the students, but Kahlee was firm in that the students had to gather their things. They had been on the Normandy long enough, and it was time to get to work.

That was a sentiment that Cullen could agree with.

He walked past James and Cortez, and got into the elevator, the doors closing before anyone could ask him any questions.

But if he knew his crew, they would be asking him eventually.

Especially if he ever did anything like that in the middle of a battle. Knowing how much he needed to throw his shield up, he was going to. Quite possibly the next chance he got without even thinking about it.

The elevator doors opened and he went to check his private terminal scanning through the messages and what he needed to do when on the Citadel, waiting for them to dock.

_“So, I gotta ask, Shepard. Why is someone like you single?”_

_“How much have you had to drink, Alenko?”_

_“What? Me? I haven’t had a drop!”_

_“Then who has been finishing this bottle with me?”_

_“Beats me.”_

_“Really.”_

_“Really! Besides, you’re avoiding the question.”_

_He shrugs. He takes another drink of whiskey. “It doesn’t seem fair to try to get involved with anyone when I’m always in the middle of some mission to save the galaxy.”_

_“We beat Saren. Saved the Citadel. Saved the Council! You don’t think you’re allowed some peace? Some happiness?”_

_He shrugs, and settles back in his chair. “Not when we know the Reapers are right around the corner. What about you?”_

_“What about me?”_

_“I haven’t known you to be with anyone.”_

_“Just haven’t found the right person.”_

_“Understandable.”_

_“But,” Kaidan takes a drink and leans in with a grin on his face, “I’m hoping someday I might.”_

Cullen inhales sharply and closes his eyes. He can play it off as a headache, given the story most people have been told by now, and he does so. He shakes it off, and no one really pays him any mind once he opens his eyes. The crew knows not to question their superior officer. And while normally, Cullen would balk at that, he is thankful for the rule now.

“Commander, docking at Citadel. Do you need transport?”

“Tell them I’ll handle it, Joker.”

A nervous feeling curls into his stomach and settles there like it belongs.

What else isn’t he remembering?


	7. Chapter 7

Once Normandy was docked, some stayed on the ship, but others decided to go out onto the station. Cullen was the first to leave, practically running out of the ship and onto the station, trying to ignore the anxious energy that was and is threatening to burn him alive.

But there are things to do first. People to see.

The hospital will be his last trip he makes while on station, and for a good reason.

Every trip to the Citadel through the years has always been the same: help those who need help, right the wrongs that needed to be fixed. Now it was also to try to repair the reputation he had when he wasn’t fully himself. Or, fully whole. Was he fully whole now? Cullen hadn’t had time to really think about it. He hadn’t really slept since Menae; and it was easier not to sleep simply because nightmares would keep him awake so why bother?

Dr. Chakwas didn’t approve, of course, and she was threatening to just knock him upside the head, so he’d get sleep. He only half thought she was lying. But she was too preoccupied now with helping Mordin and Eve, and he was too busy trying to save everyone else around him from Cerberus, and the Reapers, and anything else that might have decided now would be a fantastic time to start fighting.

He spoke with Miranda and caught up with her about what she was trying to track down. She caught onto the fact that he was different now _immediately_ , based 100% on the fact that he actually wanted to know the troubles she was dealing with.

“What’s gotten into you?” She had asked, and Cullen sighed.

“It’s a long story.”

“And you want to help me?”

“Yes. Let’s just say that I’m different now, and I am trying to do right by those who stood by me.”

“Okay, Shepard.” Her acceptance had been small, but she agreed to catch up with him again when it was safe for her to do so. She had disappeared as quickly as she had appeared, and Cullen only hoped that she’d be alright.

And on and on it went like that. Meeting up with old friends, helping them with what they needed, going on to the next thing. On every level of the Citadel there was something that needed to be done, people to be spoken to, items to be delivered.

The Citadel didn’t look like it ever experienced war before. It looked like it would remain peaceful for as long as it could, and Cullen knew how dangerous that could be. The enemy could attack at any time. Be it in the middle of a celebration, or just a normal day of business. To act as if there wasn’t a war going on…

That had been the mistake he and others of the Inquisition had made in Haven. It was why they had lost Haven, it was why they had lost so many people there, and why the Inquisitor barely made it out alive.

He was still finding parallels to his ‘other’ life, still not certain if he could call it that, or if it had been real.

By the time he had finished everything he needed to, it was getting late. Visiting hours were over at Huerta Memorial. As much as he hated doing it, Cullen threw around his authorization as a Spectre and said he would only be seeing one person – the attending doctor agreed.

When the doors to Kaidan’s room slid open, Councilor Udina was on his way out.

“Shepard,” he snarls, and Cullen rolls his eyes. He steps to the side to let the Councilor pass.

The doors slid shut, and Kaidan sits up in his bed full, adjusting his shirt. “Hey.” He smiles at Cullen, and Cullen offers a half smile back.

His heart is in his stomach.

“Hey. What did Udina want?” Cullen asks, grabbing the nearest chair and pulling it up to Kaidan’s bedside. “Are you still thinking about the Spectre offer?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nods, and rubs his left shoulder. “It’s a big honor. A big responsibility, but I just need to be sure.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you should do it,” Cullen offers, settling into the chair. He leans back, and it creates a little distance between him and Kaidan.

“Why?” Kaidan asks, and laughs, “So I can also visit you late at night in a hospital if you’re hurt?”

Cullen smirks, “You caught that, huh?”

“I sure did. Visitor hours ended three hours ago.” He shrugs, “Not that I was counting.”

“Of course not.”

They share a smile, and their eyes meet for a moment. There are things Cullen knows that Kaidan wants to talk about, but he’s not ready to get there just yet. He continues to deflect.

“Are you doing okay?”

Kaidan laughs, “You can’t tell, but I’m being held in this bed by medical red tape. It’s half the Doc wanting to run just ‘one more test’ and half Udina waiting for an answer. I swear, they’re working together.”

“They most likely are,” Cullen points out, “Best interest at heart, all of that.”

“Oh, I’m _sure_ that’s it.”

“Need me to break you out of here?”

“I’ll let you know, but here’s hoping it won’t actually come to that. I imagine that’d look pretty strange. Right?”

Cullen chuckles, and shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe.” There is a silence that settles between them. It’s heavy, and Cullen isn’t quite sure what is making it that way. Perhaps it’s all in his head, or perhaps it’s not, judging by how Kaidan is looking at him now. He clears his throat. “I’m glad you’re okay. Watching you almost die on my watch was…”

“You’ve seen me injured before, Commander,” Kaidan softly replies, a careful choice of name to call him, and Cullen visually flinches at the title. Kaidan’s eyes deflect from his, to look at his hands in the hospital bed.

“No,” Cullen careful replies, “not like that.”

Kaidan is still looking at his hands. “I want you to be honest with me then. After everything we’ve been through together. You and me. Are we good?”

“Yeah. Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Cullen shifts and leans forward in his chair. He’s dangerously close to putting his hand on the side of the bed, but he holds himself back. He mentally thanks the Maker for stopping him from making a fool of himself, and then immediately chides himself for thinking of the Maker. His eyebrows furrow in frustration for the slightest of moments, and then it’s gone.

“Because of things like that.” Kaidan says, gesturing to Cullen, “Whatever that reaction you just had was.”

Cullen’s eyes widen as he lifts his head, “No, that had nothing to do with you. I’ve just been…going through some things.” Kaidan still looks at him with disbelief, and Cullen sighs. He decides to turn the tables. “Back on Earth, on the athletic track. Why…”

He doesn’t finish what he was going to ask, because he can’t really find the words.

“You really don’t know?” Kaidan asks.

Cullen is about to tell him no, until he remembers. The last time they spared was on shore leave after the Battle of the Citadel. Before the Collector ship attacked them, before he was spaced. Running around a field at night, Cullen telling Kaidan to not hold back. Every movement was exactly the same, and when Kaidan had caught Cullen in the biotic bubble and brought him closer to him, the feeling in the air had been different. The tension between them had been thick. Both breathing heavy, and there was a look in Kaidan’s eyes that Cullen didn’t want to forget.

But he did when the sun rose, and he was no longer Cullen. Shepard had just turned away from Kaidan in that moment and walked back to the ship.

“I needed to know if…” Kaidan sighs and looks away from Cullen. He stares straight ahead, at a terminal on the wall. “I had heard rumors that you were at HQ. Anderson had asked me to see you, and I refused. I couldn’t do it. After that, after watching you die, after seeing you again on Horizon…I didn’t know if you were…if the side of you that I…” He stops talking for a moment, and Cullen just watches him. He doesn’t speak, he lets Kaidan continue.

It’s the right thing to do in the moment. And he’s trying to prove he’s different. That he is who Kaidan hopes him to be.

Or, perhaps that’s just wishful thinking on Cullen’s part.

Had he ever actually felt like this towards another person? His infatuation with the Inquisitor was just one of unobtainable awe and admiration. His tryst with Dorian, as short as it had been, had simply been because Dorian wanted to know if Cullen would cave to his affections. Cullen had fallen for it. He was touch starved; emotion starved. He had always felt like he was missing something, that there was something else out there.

Kaidan made him feel…different than all that. He was beginning to become aware that he had told Kaidan more about his life in Thedas than he had told anyone else. And Kaidan had listened. Trusted. He was someone Cullen relied on. Cared for.

“Liara passed on some information to me, that said you might have changed. That something happened when you were on a mission for Hackett, and that you might finally…” Kaidan sighs heavily, “So when I saw you on the track, in front of me, you seemed different. I wanted to lash out at you, and at first that was what I did. But then I saw how you reacted, the look in your eye and it was…” Finally, Kaidan looks back to Cullen, and Cullen inhales deeply. He holds his breath. “It’s really _you_ isn’t it?”

Cullen swallows the air he was holding, and he leans forward and puts his hand on the side of the bed, but he doesn’t touch Kaidan. He lets his hand rest there. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.”

“You guess? Or you _know_? Because I know it’s night now and…”

“You know how I signed my message to you.”

“Yes.”

“Kaidan, it’s me.” Cullen says, more confidently. “I don’t know how this happened, and I’m still struggling with it, and there is a lot I need to tell you and want to tell you, but not here. But yes, I’m—”

“—whole,” Kaidan softly finishes for him, and Cullen watches as Kaidan slowly moves his hand over to Cullen’s. Cullen turns his hand upward, and Kaidan hesitantly moves his fingers over Cullen’s hand. Cullen pulls his fingers closed softly over Kaidan’s and swallows his breath.

Kaidan looks back up from their hands and lets them linger for a moment before he pulls away. “I’m glad I got to see the day. When I get out of here…”

“Yeah,” Cullen says, and stands up from his chair. “I’ll tell you everything I’ve been able to figure out. I promise.”

“Good.” Kaidan nods.

Cullen returns the nod and offers a half smile before he turns to leave the room. Kaidan’s voice stops him. “Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s…really nice to see you again, Cullen.” Cullen feels a blush heat up his cheeks immediately, and Kaidan laughs, “Oh, that I’m going to need to _that_ see again.”

“Goodnight, Major,” He teases back, as the door opens.

“Goodnight, Commander.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Move! This place is coming down and I do not want to be stuck in this rubble!” He calls out, waving James and Garrus on, as he throws up his shield and takes out his Avenger, rapid firing behind it to give his squad cover as he takes out the remaining Rachni. Garrus and James keep running, and Cullen picks up the pace after them as they near the opening of the cave.

The Rachni, Cullen has decided, are just as annoying as the Cave Spiders he used to know rather well, but at least the Cave Spiders didn’t have a giant breeder making more of them. Also, last he knew, the Spiders couldn’t take over the minds of corpses to make them speak. He had destroyed the Rachni Queen, thinking this wouldn’t happen, but he should have known. Life always found a way, good or bad.

He fires off a few more shots, and the three men reach the clearing, where Cortez and the shuttle are waiting. Garrus and James get onto the shuttle, but Cullen stays behind. He lowers his shield, he sets his gun away, and he looks back at the clearing.

He doesn’t think that Grunt has made it.

“I think it’s just us,” He says into his comms, “Let’s get ready to—”

But then he hears movement behind them, and Grunt’s comment about food, and he runs towards him to help him into the shuttle. Garrus and James hop out and run to help as well – it takes all three of them to bring the badly injured Krogan into the shuttle.

Grunt passes out on the floor of the shuttle, as James administers enough medigel to last them until they reach the Normandy.

“Joker, let Dr. Chakwas know we’re going to need her help when we get back. Grunt is injured,” Cullen radios, and waits for Joker’s confirmation before he signs off.

“Shepard, I never thought the Rachni would be back. We took care of that problem, I thought,” Garrus muses, keeping his omni-tool open to keep a scan running on Grunt. Grunt mutters something, but it seems to be sleep talking. For the moment, it looks like he’ll be okay.

Cullen settles into the seat in the shuttle for the ride back up. The shuttle takes off and starts to climb. “Yeah. I thought that too.”

Garrus laughs, “Never gets old, does it.” Cullen agrees with a grunt, and the three men fall silent for only a brief moment before Garrus speaks again. “Also, neat trick with your shield, is that a new Omni-Tool program I don’t know about?”

James looks up from monitoring Grunt and looks at Cullen for a moment with a raised eyebrow. “Nope. Loco did that with his biotics. Saw it firsthand myself three days ago.”

“You’re shitting me,” Garrus’ eyes widen slightly, “I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth! You think I’d make that up?”

“Commander, you’re awfully quiet right now…”

Cullen just looks to both of them and raises an eyebrow, and gestures to Grunt on the floor. “Don’t we have more important things right now?”

“He’s passed out and medicated, and all scans say he’s going to be fine. He’s a Krogan,” Garrus laughs, “So talk, Shepard.”

Cullen sighs, “James is right. And no, I don’t really know why it happened, but there you have it.”

“Never seen that type of shield before, looks like it even had some detail on it. Like a design? That’s pretty creative for biotics, didn’t know that type of thing was possible.”

James laughs, “Shit, I don’t understand anything with biotics, so hell maybe that type of shit happens all the time and we just don’t know it.”

This seems to get Garrus to drop the subject for the moment, as the Turian laughs roughly. “Okay, Vega, that’s a good point.”

The shuttle makes it up into the Normandy and docks in the shuttle bay. Dr. Chakwas, Wrex, and Mordin are waiting. The shuttle door opens and Wrex goes to help Grunt get out. They head up to the medical bay, with Garrus following. 

“Not sure how badly he got hit, but we administered some Medi Gel to help.” Cullen shrugs off a piece his armor, setting it on the table.

“Not to worry. Krogan resilient. Most likely fine. Will go see how I can help.” Mordin replies, and nods to Chakwas and Cullen before he too heads to the elevator.

Chakwas, for her part, simply stands in front of Cullen and puts her hands on her hips. “Commander, I’ve been hearing some interesting rumors about you.”

Cullen just continues to take off the rest of his armor, setting them out on the table to be cleaned and worked on later. “There’s a lot of rumors about me, Doctor. Which one are you talking about now?”

“Something about a biotic shield. Care to explain that one?”

He lifts his eyes from the table, as he slips off the remaining bits of the armor, and is left to the workout clothes he wears under his armor most of the time. “In private. If I can shower first?”

“Of course. I’ll meet you in your quarters in an hour, but don’t think you can avoid me, Commander.” She teases him slightly, but there is a seriousness to her tone that he doesn’t ignore.

He tells himself that truthfully, if he is going to continue the treatments, he needs to discuss the side effects with her.

Maybe this is just a side effect.

Dr. Chakwas arrives at his quarters right on the hour from when they last spoke, and he’s finishing up a report to Hackett when she walks in. “Commander,” she greets, and holds up her medical bag.

Cullen sighs, and sets his datapad down. He has a feeling that he’s not going to really like the conversation that happens next.

And considering how his head is throbbing, and there are memories pushing at his brain reminding him of his lyrium withdrawal, he thinks he might be right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep your comments and kudos coming :) i love hearing if people are enjoying this, and i do my best to reply to each one!


	9. Chapter 9

“You don’t waste any time,” Cullen comments, as he gets up from his desk and follows her down to the couches. He sits down as she goes through her bag and takes out a small container of syringes.

“Last treatment, Commander,” She says with a smile, “And then we’ll see how you progress from there.”

He rolls up the sleeve of his t-shirt and she injects him with the needle, pushing the liquid into his system. He knows from experience it will be a few hours before anything happens – if anything happens at all. Sometimes, he gets hit with memories immediately , sometimes it is not until a few hours later.

Dr. Chakwas puts the needles away, cleans up the spot, and applies Medi-Gel so the injection spot will heal.

“So if that’s it then…” Cullen starts, but he knows that’s not it at all.

She gives him a look of disapproval, and he sighs. A hand moves to rub the back of his neck as he shrugs, “Worth a shot.”

“I want to see your shield, Cullen.” She’s speaking to him as a patient now, now as her commanding officer. He makes a face, one that borders on disapproval and embarrassment.

“I don’t know if I can just…”

“Try. Please.”

Cullen sighs heavily, and he stands up and goes to the front of his bed, where there is room. His biotics flair up and curl around his body and then they shoot through his arm, forming the Inquisition shield. Dr. Chakwas stands up and goes to examine it, is quiet when she touches it. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” She says in awe. He holds it until his biotics cool down, and it runs out.

“I take it you’ve never done that before, have you?” She asks, and he nods.

“Correct.”

“I’ve never known biotics to manifest like that. I’ve seen Omni shields of course, with biotics to back them up, but never anything of pure biotic energy to create a solid form.” She taps her chin for a moment, “In Thedas, were you a biotics user?”

Cullen puts his arms down and shakes his head. He laughs, “No. First off, there is no such thing as biotics. The closest would be magic, and no, I was not a mage. I fought against them, for a majority of my life, until my later years I worked alongside them. I was a Templar, before I was Commander.” It sounds strange to say. Like it was never real.

“Ah yes,” She nods, crossing back over to the couch and sits down in front of her medical bag. She takes out her datapad, “You mentioned that before.” Of course he had, one of the many times he had a conversation that he did not fully remember. He makes a face at this. “Is there a significance then, to the shield?”

His nose scrunches up and he debates just keeping this to himself. “Yes, it was my shield for the Inquisition. I had it with me when I…came here?” He rubs his temples and frowns, “This is horribly complicated.”

Chakwas is writing in her data pad, and hums in agreement with him. Cullen paces around his quarters. He tells her what he was experiencing in Thedas, and how he woke up in this world. That he felt he got stuck in some sort of rift, that pulled him across the galaxy.

“It wouldn’t be completely unheard of, if the rumors of others like you are true.”

He sighs in response, not feeling there was a need to say anything else.

“I’ve been looking into what is known about that planet. All records say it was destroyed when originally discovered, but I will continue to try to find some answers for you. How have your memories been treating you?”

He finally stops pacing, and he returns to the couch, sitting on the far end of it. He runs a hand through his hair, and lets his fingers fall down his face before he answers. “I keep getting flashes of things at awful times. Most of the time, I just remember things naturally, like they’ve always been there. Other times, it’s like…” _Being hit in the face by Iron Bull_. “Being hit with a brick.”

“That is to be expected. Many PTSD soldiers looking to regain their memories to move past and deal with their traumas have reported the same thing. It will get easier, though, if you allow yourself to rest.” She serves him a rather poignant look when she speaks, and he scoffs a little. “Are you resting, Commander?”

“Yes,” He lies, and she sees through it but allows it.

Cullen’s private terminal chimes that he has a new message, and Chakwas takes that as her cue to pack up her things. “Just keep resting, and trying to take it easy, Commander. This isn’t an easy road you’re going down, but you are not going through it alone. Will you let me know if anything else unusual happens?”

He nods, “Of course, Doctor.”

She seems satisfied at his answer, for now, and takes her leave.

His terminal pings again. Cullen sighs and once he hears the doors to his quarters close, he gets up and heads back to his desk.

There are 16 new messages, mostly from Hackett, Alliance Command, or others he is conversing with on the next steps of the Crucible and the path of the Reapers. Some are coordinating when they land on Tuchanka and getting Grunt treatment, among other things he needs to do on the planet.

But among the 16 messages, two messages stand out. One is an Alliance News Network announcement of a Second Human Spectre. Another is one that just has the subject of _Hey there._

He opens the ANN announcement first and skims it, before he sees there is a vid.

He clicks it, and watches as Councilor Udina is proudly announcing that there is a new human Spectre that is joining the ranks, and the camera pans to Kaidan. Udina talks about Kaidan’s accomplishments and Cullen zooms the vid in to look at Kaidan’s expression. He’s standing tall and proud, a hint of a smile on his lips, but choosing to go the professional route of not showing any emotion. He looks healthier, better and healed.

The vid ends with the ANN reporter saying how glad they are humanity keeps proving they’ve earned a place among the stars, and the vid ends.

Cullen wonders if he could have been there for that small ceremony. Udina would have hated if he was there. Truthfully, Cullen might have accidentally taken the spotlight off of Kaidan if he _was there._

Still, he also knew what it was like to be given a new title, a new responsibility, and not have anyone in the immediate area he trusted to share it with. He had taken Cassandra’s offer as Commander of the Inquisition as a last resort to get out of Kirkwall and do some good. He couldn’t be in the Templar Order anymore, not after what he saw anymore. He left the Templar armor behind, and left with Cassandra and Leilana under the cover of night and never looked back.

He had gotten new armor, he had gotten a new sword, he had gotten a new shield. He _thought_ he had gotten a new life, but it was just the same weight holding him down. Same fights, same expectations, same disappointments.

He just tells himself it’s the treatment that Chakwas gave him kicking in, and he tries to move past it.

He opens up the other message.

_Hey Cullen,_

_Still in the hospital. But, up on my feet and making trouble for the nurses. They'll probably throw me out of here soon. Here's hoping. I travel to and from the Embassy these days. Getting a little too routine for me, honestly._

_Come by if you're able to. Same place._

_Kaidan_

He’s not going to be able to make it to the Citadel any time soon. Not with what they need to get done; Cullen frowns. He wanted to try to stop by again, but he has to remind himself that duty has to come before personal things.

Not that Kaidan is a thing. Or personal? Or…

Cullen sighs at himself, which feels like it’s all he can do.

_Kaidan,_

_I saw the vid, actually. I’m glad you took the position. It will be a good look on you. Spectre. You’ve earned it._

_Unfortunately I’m not going to be back on the Citadel for a few weeks. Too many things to do, never enough time._

_But, maybe if you’re around at some other time, we can find a way to talk. If you want._

_Let me know._

_Cullen._

He sends it, and waits. He wonders if he happened to catch Kaidan again, if he’d get another message. He works on his reports in the meantime.

Cullen ends up dozing off a little at his desk, unaware of what time it was when he’s woken up by a message at his terminal. He reads the chat messages quickly and tries to reply as fast as his brain and fingers will let him.

_K.Alenko: Did I catch you again? Or is that my wishful thinking getting ahead of me?_

_K.Alenko: Cullen?_

_K.Alenko: Ah, I must have missed you._

_C.Shepard: Wait. I’m here. Sorry._

_C.Shepard: Fell asleep at my desk._

He thinks he’s missed him, but sees that Kaidan is typing something.

_K.Alenko: Asleep at your desk? Seriously?_

_C.Shepard: Yeah. Guilty._

_K.Alenko: And I thought I was bad._

_C.Shepard: Too much to do. No time for sleep._

_K.Alenko: If you say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” next, I will kill you._

_C.Shepard: Doesn’t that defeat the point?_

_K.Alenko: Okay, shut up._

_C.Shepard: Ha._

_K.Alenko: Hey. I have an idea. I’m actually in the Spectre office right now in the Embassy. Let me try something._

_C.Shepard: Try what?_

Kaidan doesn’t reply anything for a few minutes, until Cullen sees a call coming up on his private terminal. He accepts it, and the terminal screen in front of him shows Kaidan, waving from the Spectre office. “Hey. I thought this might be easier. Since I’ve got access here, nothing is traced.”

Cullen leaned back in his chair at his desk, and grins. “Smart.”

Kaidan leans into the screen more, and smirks. “Apparently, being a Spectre has its perks.” Kaidan pauses, “So you saw the vid?”

“Yeah,” Cullen nodded, “You looked good.” He says with honesty, and then when he sees Kaidan’s reaction as an eyebrow raise, he immediately tries to cover, “I mean happy, that you… _Maker_ , my big mouth.”

Kaidan laughs, “Maker?”

Cullen groans and puts his head in his hand, which makes Kaidan laugh again and add, “I’ll shelve that one for later, then.”

“Please don’t,” Cullen’s flustered, and he moves his hand from his face to the back of his neck and rubs there for a moment before he leans forward on the desk and closer to the terminal.

“I have to admit, this is still strange for me.” Kaidan says.

“Being a Spectre?”

“No. I mean, yes, being a Spectre is strange but that’s a strange I can get used to. I think more of…talking to you like this. You…wait, you do remember what we talked about when you were here, right? Do you—”

“—Yes,” Cullen cuts him off immediately, “I’m not forgetting anything anymore, Kaidan. You can trust that. If you still don’t, talk to Chakwas. She’ll confirm it.”

“No, no, that won’t be necessary. I trust you, it’s just…” Kaidan’s voice goes a little softer, a little lower, “I just didn’t want my mind to be playing a trick on me.”

Cullen does not want to admit what Kaidan’s voice does to him in that moment, and he swallows hard. There is a blush to his cheeks, but he hopes that the vid feed distorts it. If Kaidan notices it, he doesn’t comment on it. Or it could just be another thing he’s waiting to explore when they see each other in person again.

At this rate, that may not be for months.

“I know the feeling,” Cullen finally says, a little too honestly, but he’s tired of hiding behind fabricated stories.

“I don’t have long to talk,” Kaidan continues, frowning. “But I’m glad I got to catch you before I had to do another interview.”

“Interview? You’re getting popular, Alenko,” Cullen teases.

“What can I say? I’m apparently a big deal.”

“Enjoy the spotlight, you’ve earned it.”

“Yeah, well. There’s a war going on, and somehow I’ve been very lucky.” Kaidan smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I gotta go, Shepard. Good luck out there. Stay safe.”

Cullen nods, “You too, Alenko. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Kaidan laughs.

“Luckily, Commander, that still leaves me with a wide variety of options.”


	10. Chapter 10

Nothing sat right with Cullen after the last mission. Saving a Turian squad that happened to have the Primarch’s son was one thing. Getting Cerberus off Tuchanka was another. But a bomb? Dismantling it was also dismantling years of hatred and while it was a good thing to do, Cullen wasn’t even sure if it would matter in the end.

Had he known sooner, this could have gone a lot better. The Primarch’s son could have survived.

Instead, as he leaves the QED room, it’s to walk into the Primarch and Wrex screaming at each other at the top of their lungs.

The Primarch is holding his hands up, trying to placate Wrex, but it isn’t worth it with the words he selects. "We couldn't risk another galactic war with the Krogan!"

Wrex, for his part, just keeps getting closer and closer to the Primarch, getting in his face. "The Genophage wasn't enough? You had to plant a _bomb_ on my planet?"

“The decision was made hundreds of years ago. So much has changed!”

“Not enough to tell us about the bomb, coward!”

Cullen felt his hands move to fists at his side, “ _Enough_!” The two men stop arguing and watch him as he approaches them, “We can't let the past rip us apart. Working together, we have a chance.” Do they? The more Cullen gets into the thick of things, the more that his memories return, the more he’s starting to realize that fixing centuries of dislike and hatred isn’t what he signed up for.

Granted, he hadn’t actually signed up for _this_ , but politics was part of being in command.

Was this why he preferred to let the Inquisitor make the heavier decisions? He had disagreed with her want to recruit the mages over the Templars, but he still stood by her decision. Because it wasn’t one he was sure he could make with a clear head, one he had proven time and time again. And even when the time rifts appeared again outside of Redcliffe Castle after they had already stopped Alexius’ plan, he still wasn’t sure he could make a choice to not execute the damned Magister on sight.

Not that it really mattered now, he was no longer there.

But since when did changing the minds of people at war with each other part of his job description? Could he rewrite the job description to something a little better? Maybe one that said he just needed to sit by the ocean and drink. That’d be better.

He sighed heavily. “Primarch, you had a bomb on Tuchanka, and Wrex, in the Turians place you would have done the same Maker-damned thing.”

Wrex tried to interject, but Cullen cut him off roughly. “I said enough! It’s over! His own son _died_ today trying to make this damned thing right!”

Cullen glared at both men, and Primarch Victus sighed and held his hands up. “Please, Commander. It’s all right.”

“Yes. Fine, Shepard,” Wrex growled, “You made your point. We have stronger enemies to face.”

“We do,” Cullen replied, and the two of them got into a bit of a staring match before Wrex turned and muttered something to himself and walked away from the conversation.

The Primarch moved around the circular table and went to the secure terminal, to send out messages to his people. Cullen took steps towards him, but he didn’t say anything. Only stood there, crossing his arms over his chest.

Victus looked up, and nodded. “I understand your reservations before, Commander. But I hope now you understand why the need for secrecy.”

The sound that escaped Cullen was that of frustrated amazement. “I hate secrets and politicians, Primarch.” He shook his head, “Your _son_ died to fix this.”

To lose someone like that had to be unimaginable. Worse to think that he had put his own son in danger. It wasn’t a call that Cullen would have ever allowed himself to make. To put _himself_ in knowing danger was one thing. To put those he loved and cared for in direct danger was –

\--something he did every day. Something he had _always_ done every day.

Dammit.

The realization hit him hard, and he tried not to show it on his face. The anger of the Primarch’s actions were hiding only the way that Cullen actually felt about it. If he had to, would he put someone he loved in danger? Yes, because he was sure he had in the past. This was war. Unless everyone fought, no one would survive. Not a fight like this.

“Yes, Commander. It was a mistake not to trust you, I know that now.” Still the Primarch’s voice held strong notes of anger and sorrow. The full weight of his decision, on his shoulders. Cullen cleared his throat, but did not speak as the Primarch turned the terminal off and started to walk towards the QEC room. “My son, he died with the respect of his men. I wanted to thank you for that. His sacrifice will be recorded in the histories of the Ninth Platoon, something any father would be proud of.”

He walked up the stairs, and Cullen stated where he was. The Turian paused at the door, and opened it. Instead of going in right away, he turned around to face Cullen, “But this is war. The time for mourning is later.”

There was no reply to that, Cullen could not find the words.

Words did not need to be said though, because there was never a quiet moment.

EDI and Mordin came into the room, and Mordin immediately went to the central terminal.

“Shepard,” EDI spoke, “There is a Reaper on the ground at the Shroud. It is guarding it. We will not be able to land near it.”

The Primarch and Wrex joined them around the center terminal, as Mordin pulled up a scan of the current situation. A new form of Reaper, changing the use of the Shroud facility to create Reapers out of the Krogan. It wasn’t an ideal fight. But nothing against the Reapers ever was.

They agreed upon a combined attack of airstrike and ground assault. The Primarch, to Cullen’s surprise, offered air support without question. Wrex would take the ground assault. Cullen, Garrus, and James would escort Mordin and Eve to the Shroud facility so Mordin could complete the cure.

It was going to be a rough fight, and up close and personal with a Reaper. Not just a holographic one that liked to do nothing but taunt him.

They broke the meeting, and one by one the war room was emptied out – until Traynor informed Cullen of a message in the QEC room.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, if it was urgent perhaps it was Hackett or Anderson. Something must have happened on Earth that needed his immediate attention.

Instead, “Dalatrass?” He asked, as the QEC cleared up and the Dalatrass stood before him.

“Commander Shepard, we know you've reached Tuchanka. And by now, I imagine Mordin Solus has proposed using the Shroud. You cannot allow your misguided sympathy for the Krogan to cloud your judgement. Do you honestly believe curing the genophage will end in lasting peace?” Her tone was one of disgust. Of wanting to immediately dismiss those she deemed lesser than herself.

This was all too familiar. He knew people like her. He disliked people like her. “You cannot condemn an entire race to extinction based on what you think _might_ happen!”

Her scoff was heard loud and clear, and her posture changed, “What will happen is the Krogan—"

Cullen immediately cut her off. He had zero time for people who felt destroying everything was the end to justify the means. “—With respect, you do not know what will happen in the future, Dalatrass. You cannot base anything on what happened in the _past_. It is the past for a reason, and it is about damned time that you and everyone else realize this. I am tired of cleaning up messes centuries in the making because you can’t let things go.”

The Dalatrass fell silent for a moment, and she shook her head. “Commander, years ago, our operatives sabotaged the Shroud facility to ensure what you're planning couldn’t be done. Mordin will likely detect this malfunction and repair it. But if you ensure he doesn't, then the cure will be altered enough so it fails, and no one will notice the change.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared, “And why exactly are you telling me this? You want me to trick the Krogan?”

“Let Urdnot Wrex believe you fulfilled your promise.” The Dalatrass said, as if she was asking for the easiest of favors. But instead of asking for a glass of water, she was asking him to kill an entire race. “We can provide you our very best scientists to build the Crucible, and the full support of our fleets.”

“If getting the Salarian support is only possible if I sabotage the cure, then the answer is no. I will not do that to the Krogan, and I am honestly disgusted you would suggest such a thing.”

“Then you will not have our support, Commander.”

“That is a risk I am willing to take, Dalatrass,” Cullen’s tone was even and calm, as he abruptly disconnected the call and headed out the war room, towards the elevators.

He stepped out to the armory, getting into his armor quickly and suiting up.

“Shepard, come on,” Wrex called out, and Cullen held his hand out.

“One moment. Everyone, you need to hear this.” He activated his Omni-Tool and played out the conversation for them all.

The reaction afterwards was silence, before Wrex immediately got angry. Eve put a hand on his arm, and he looked at her and tried to calm himself down.

Mordin, though, simply chuckled. “Familiar with STG work. Will alter what I need to. Did not come all this way for nothing. Let’s go.”

He boarded the first shuttle, and Wrex laughed as he slapped Cullen hard on the back. “What do you know, that Salarian has a conscience. And, thanks Shepard. Glad you’re standing up for the Krogan everywhere.”

But as Cullen boarded the shuttle behind him, he wondered what might have happened if _he_ wasn’t here right now. Would Shepard had actually considered the Dalatrass’ proposition?

Cullen couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ give it a second thought. But it worried him that _Shepard_ would have.

He didn’t dwell on the sour feeling in his mouth, as the shuttle left the Normandy and headed down towards Tuchanka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments are <3 ! so happy to see people reading and giving this kudos :)


	11. Chapter 11

The facility was exploding around him, and he ran out as fast as he could. He forced himself not to look back, knowing that Mordin was going to lose his life to this. He would cure the Genophage, but at the cost of himself.

But it had to be him, he had said. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.

Cullen managed to get to the ground tanks, as the Shroud started to spread out the cure, sprinkling it into the atmosphere. Wrex and Eve were staring up at the sky, and Cullen was certain he had never seen Wrex that proud, that happy.

They had cured the Genophage, and the Krogan could rebuild. Good people were lost on all sides, Turian, Krogan, Salarian. But they had done what they set out to do.

Plus, he would never get the image of running from a giant Reaper out of his mind. Or calling a Thresher Maw to fight said reaper.

Wrex kept his promise. The Krogan would help fight for Palaven, and they would start coordinating how they would get there. An unlikely allyship that quite possibly could have never happened, if reason had not prevailed.

But Cullen had told himself he would not lose anyone under his Command to this war, and while Mordin was not under his command, he had served with him.

And now Mordin was just one more name for the memorial wall.

He was alone when he put up the plague under the other names of those they lost. Mordin’s name was placed under Ashley Williams.

Cullen hadn’t spoken much to anyone once they left Tuchanka’s atmosphere and headed towards the Citadel. The Salarian Councilor wanted to speak with him face to face with some information on Councilor Udina that Cullen felt was too important not to hear out.

But, there were hours between the Krogan DMZ and the Citadel and Cullen was exhausted.

He was barely standing up straight, and the lack of rest was starting to wear on him. A few hours here and there was not enough to keep him going, and he needed to fix that.

Needing to fix it did not mean it happened immediately though. He filed reports with Hackett. He visited each crew member to make sure they were doing okay, and to check up on them.

He avoided Liara, because she wanted to talk more about his new emotions and way of dealing with things that the others in the crew were not exactly used to. He avoided Chakwas, because he knew she would take one look at him and demand he get some sleep.

His quarters were quiet as he entered and locked the door behind him. “EDI, please don’t allow any interruptions until we get to the Citadel. Let me know when we arrive.”

“Of course, Commander. Engaging privacy protocols.”

When EDI’s voice clicked off on the intercom, the silence that filled the room again wasn’t comforting. But he didn’t want to fix that. Sometimes, the silence was needed. It was easier to try to sort through things that way. It was easier for him to clear his mind.

Message after message was replied to. Report after report was filed. He read up on the improvements to the Crucible, and read on the supplies they still needed. He accepted requests from Engineering for the parts the Normandy needed, he accepted requests from James to get some improved exercise equipment for the crew.

Eventually, his exhaustion was winning out, and the headache that was forming because of it was causing him to lose steam fast.

He barely made it to the bed, lying down before he passed out completely.

_He was back in the forest, though it wasn’t on fire. Not yet. He could smell burning wood and leaves, could hear it crackling. He could not see it._

_In the distance, he saw two figures sitting on a bench. He kept his steps quiet, so he could listen to them and not scare them off._

_As he got closer, he saw himself and the Inquisitor speaking._

_Cullen swallowed hard as he stood behind a tree, listening to his former self speak to her._

_“I don’t know if this is the right call,” She was saying, uncertainty in her voice. “The time magic, it should have stopped once we stopped Alexius.”_

_“Perhaps we did not stop him completely, like we had hoped. We should go back to Redcliffe and investigate, Inquisitor.”_

_“And if we don’t find the culprit?”_

_“We’ll find it. I have faith.”_

_“Faith is a hard thing for me to find these days, Commander.”_

_“I know.”_

_“But I think you should stop hiding.”_

_“What?”_

_“I know you’re hiding behind that tree, Cullen.”_

_Cullen’s eyes went wide as he flinched, and looked around the corner of the tree to see his former self was gone. Instead, it was the Inquisitor calling him over. “Come here, Cullen. Please.”_

_Hesitantly, he left his spot behind the tree and walked over to the bench, and sat down next to her. To see the Inquisitor in front of him, sitting in a forest on what was a very modern looking bench, next to him in his N7 armor was strange. It was just a dream, he had to remind himself. It was just a dream._

_“You’re wondering if I’m real,” She says, and sighs. “Or a demon?”_

_“No. I know you’re not real. You’re a figment of my imagination. You’re not here. I’ve been told Thedas is destroyed.”_

_“Destroyed?” Inquisitor Lavellan frowned, and rubbed at her forehead. “I don’t know, Cullen, It seemed pretty okay to me two hours ago.”_

_“Wait. What?” Cullen furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Why would he be making this up? Why would his mind fabricate something like this? A cruel joke of his exhausted mind._

_“It took a really long time for us to be able to find you. The only thing that was left behind was your sword. Everything else was gone, you just disappeared into the rift. Dorian, Vivienne, and I have been trying night and day for years to find a spell to bring you back, and…this is the closest I’ve gotten.”_

_“Years? Inquisitor, stop. This isn’t real. You are not real.”_

_“What are you wearing?” She asks, and she touches his armor and her touch feels solid against his chest plate._

_“My armor.”_

_“That’s not your armor.”_

_“It is here. I’m…”_

_“Where are you?”_

_Cullen inhales sharply. “It’s a long story.”_

_“We will try to bring you home. Cassandra is Commander now, but if we are able to get you back –”_

_“No.” His firm dismissal of the idea surprises him._

_“No?”_

_“I can’t leave. Not now, you don’t understand what is at stake here.”_

_“We already won the war, Cullen, it’s been three years. You need to come home.” Inquisitor Lavellan’s face shifts, and before him is his sister, Mia._

_“Brother, please come home.”_

_Cullen stands up from the bench and starts to back away. “This isn’t real. You’re not real.”_

_Mia reaches out for him, as the flames in the forest engulf it once more. The flames take her first._

Cullen wakes up with a jolt. He’s still on the Normandy, in his quarters. He winces as he pinches the bridge of his nose, and tries to control his breathing. As he stands up from the bed, EDI calls into the room.

“Shepard, you’re needed on the bridge. We have been trying to reach Alliance docking but we are not getting an answer. Joker says he is receiving an emergency comm from C-SEC Commander Bailey.”

“On my way, EDI,” He gets out, heading out to the elevator. “What is Bailey saying? Patch him through.”

“Patching him through.”

The elevator doors shut and Bailey’s voice crackles into Cullen’s ear. “Shepard! Shepard, do you read me?”

“I read you, Bailey, what’s going on?” The elevator door arrives to the CIC level and Cullen runs out of it, running up to the bridge, and shares a glance with Joker.

“The Citadel is under attack. I’m going to need your help down here.”

“Under attack?”

“It’s Cerberus, they’re trying to take over the station. Get here as quickly as you can.”

“On it. Hang tight.” The feed cuts. “We’re taking a shuttle down, Joker watch the station, see what backup we can provide.” He runs off the bridge, connecting to James and Garrus to suit up and meet him at the shuttle. He explains quickly what he knows, and it’s not long before he’s suited up as well and on the way to C-SEC Headquarters.

If he had felt any moment of rest, that certainly was gone now.

For the first time since Mars, his hands are shaking.


	12. Chapter 12

Cerberus is everywhere through the station. Cullen, Garrus, and James make quick work of cutting through the Cerberus forces at C-Sec’s doors. Bailey is injured but not critically, he’s fine enough to keep going.

They get inside, locking and securing the doors behind them as Bailey goes to the terminal. It’s the first step in retaking the station from Cerberus, and he makes quick work of it.

“What’s the situation?” Cullen asks, an unsettled feeling starting to form over him.

“Looks like Cerberus is after the Salarian Councilor,” Bailey growled as he settles behind the computers at C-Sec HQ. He works quickly, trying to get any sort of ping of where the target is, “Ah. Looks like Councilor Valern has taken refuge in the executor’s office. I've sent the location to your Omni-Tool. Switch to a private channel, all other channels are compromised.”

Cullen checks his Omni-Tool for the location, and sends it over to James and Garrus, who both nod when they’ve received it. James is watching the behind them, Garrus is scouting out ahead. “We can’t get a word out to the rest of the Council?”

Bailey shakes his head, “No. Haven’t been able to get a lock on them since the channels got compromised. Your friend, the guy they just made Spectre—”

“—Kaidan Alenko?” Cullen’s heart tightens.

“Yeah, that’s him. He’s with the Council protecting them, chances are Cerberus is after them too.”

Cullen nods, as he reloads his Avenger, “Then there’s no time to waste.”

“Are we saving the Council again, Shepard?” Garrus jokes, and Cullen allows himself a smirk.

“What would they do without us?”

Cerberus is far deeper into the station than Cullen realized, and he lets Bailey know of their location so the doors can be locked behind them. There are countless C-Sec officers dead, and Garrus regrettably knows a few of them. “Shit. They were good men,” He mutters, as they keep going forward, collecting data and searching the bodies. Garrus makes note of the officers lost, a list to give to Bailey so their names won’t be forgotten.

It’s another casualty of war, and Cullen is getting tired of always being surrounded by death.

They reach the Executor’s office and head inside, but there is no sign of Councilor Valern. The Executor is there though, lying dead on the ground.

“Fuck,” James mutters, as Cullen tries to find any sense of movement. “Any sign of the Councilor?”

“No,” Cullen replies, and looks out the window. A figure gets uncloaked, and the Councilor stands up from behind a desk. “Wait, I found him. Quick, head down to…”

“Shepard, the Councilor is in trouble!” Garrus calls out quickly, and Cullen doesn’t waste time. He shoots the glass and jumps through it, as the Councilor falls back and tries to scramble.

The Cerberus assassin charges with his sword, and Cullen immediately throws up his Inquisition shield, blocking the blow as he gets between the Councilor and the assassin.

“You’re going to pay for that,” the assassin taunts, and charges for Cullen again. Cullen shoots at him, but the assassin dodges artfully to the point that if Cullen didn’t know better (or wasn’t aware where he was) he would have thought the man was Fade stepping.

He blocks the sword the best he can, trying to block the assassin from the Councilor. The assassin manages to get around him, and Cullen gets slashed in the arm. He hisses out but fires back, his shield down.

The assassin goes straight for the Councilor and slashes – but it doesn’t take.

A figure standing in front of the Councilor uncloaks, and Cullen looks in shock at Major Kirrahe, standing until he falls over from the blow.

The assassin laughs, “Too bad,” and shouts orders into his comm, before he takes off running.

“Kirrahe?” Cullen is quick to the Salarian’s side, and the Councilor holds the fallen solider in his arms.

Kirrahe coughs out, “Councilor saved. Go. Kill the bastard. Will hold the…” but can’t get out the last word as he dies in Councilor Valern’s arms.

Cullen looks at Valern, who nods, “Go. Udina is working with Cerberus, he’s going to get the rest of the Council killed. Go!”

They take off running after that, reaching the sky car area, but before Cullen can radio to Bailey, he’s already calling him. “Nearby car is unlocked Shepard, go after that bastard. We’ve got lock on the Council, I’ll update you on the location.”

“On it!” James takes the controls of the car, and Garrus gets in the back as Cullen sits up front.

It doesn’t matter how far they get, because the assassin attacks their car immediately. They crash into a lower level of the Citadel, and they have to fight their way up.

He had once lamented that the Citadel wasn’t acknowledging any part of the war, but they certainly were now. Countless were dead, many were wounded, and they couldn’t stop to help those who needed it. They had to stop Cerberus, they had to stop the assassin before reaching the Council.

They had to stop Udina, and whatever he had planned.

Bailey updates them on the Council’s location, and the assassin who is hot on their tails. The fight on top of the Elevators keeps the three men on their toes, and when they land on the Council’s elevator, Cullen barley manages to get out of the way as gunshots ring up through the elevator’s ceiling.

He can hear the Council below in the elevator, he can hear Kaidan ordering the Council out of the elevator.

Cullen and his squad jump down into the elevator, preparing for a fight with the Cerberus assassin against the Council.

When the doors open, instead it is to Kaidan’s gun drawn on them, the Council behind them.

“Shepard? What’s going on?” But he does not lower his gun. Kaidan looks at Cullen like he’s been betrayed again. Cullen remembers that look on Horizon.

He worries about what comes next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can tell, we do keep going slight off of canon, and keeping some the same! 
> 
> & thank you all for your continued subscriptions, kudos, and love! i am so happy others are enjoying this story! since this is one of the shorter chapters, expect another one fairly soon!


	13. Chapter 13

Kaidan’s gun is still trained on Cullen, and he asks again: “What's going on? What is this?”

The betrayal in his eyes is something Cullen did not want to see. He hadn’t fully remembered the first time it happened on Horizon, until now.

_“You’re looking at a ghost,” Kaidan says as he appears from behind a shipping crate. Shepard stands with Garrus and Grunt behind him._

_“Alenko,” He greets, but at an even tone. There are no emotions here. There is no recognition of anything he might have shared with the Alliance solider in front of him._

_“I thought you were dead.”_

_“Well, I’m not.”_

_Kaidan is trying to hold back his emotions. To see this memory now though his own emotionless eyes is something that almost physically hurts Cullen more than he wants to say. Kaidan swallows his pride, and glares. “You’re with Cerberus?”_

_“They’re helping us stop the Collectors, what are_ you _doing lately?”_

_“Not turning fucking_ traitor _to the Alliance, Shepard.”_

_“If you’re not going to see to reason, Alenko, then I have no use for you.”_

The memory cuts Cullen through and he inhales sharply. He knows he has the look on his face that shows he was remembering something else, and Kaidan notices this.

Kaidan’s features soften only slightly.

Udina scoffs, “Can’t you see, Major? Shepard is blocking our escape, he’s with Cerberus! He never left!”

Cullen narrows his eyes, James and Garrus still training their gun aiming for Udina himself. Kaidan’s gun is trained on Cullen, but his finger isn’t anywhere near the trigger. “Just, hold on. Everyone just calm down.”

“I can explain this, Kaidan,” Cullen says, his eyes darting to meet Kaidan’s, and Kaidan sighs.

“Gun drawn on a Councilor, _Commander_ ,” He says, and Cullen notices how Kaidan swallows hard. A sign of how uncomfortable this is. “It looks kind of bad.”

Cullen, despite not wanting to, puts his gun back to his side, and he gestures for Garrus and James to do the same. He holds his hands up, and takes a step forward. Kaidan takes a step back, and doesn’t move his gun. “We don’t have time for this, you’ve all been fooled! Udina is behind this attack, the Salarian Councilor confirmed it.”

“You have no proof,” Udina laughs, “You never do.”

Cullen looks to Kaidan, “Major Kirrahe died protecting the Councilor. He held the line.”

Kaidan’s eyes go wide, “Kirrahe?” The recognition flashes in Kaidan’s eyes and he inhales sharply.

“We have mistrusted Commander Shepard before,” The Asari Councilor steps forward, “and it did not help us.”

Udina is getting frustrated. He’s getting restless. Cullen sees a man who is aware that his plan is falling apart, and that he’s caught. Udina is suddenly not a whimpering politician anymore, but a man who is willing to take down everything and everyone that gets in his way. “We do not have time to debate this, we are dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

As Udina goes to the console, Cullen raises his gun again and trains it on Udina. Kaidan watches him with laser focus, and sighs.

“I better not regret this,” Kaidan says, as he turns around and moves towards Udina with his gun now on him. “Udina, back away from the console and put your hands behind your back.”

The two other Councilors try to pull Udina back, but he shoves them hard, and pulls out his pistol, aiming it at the Asari Councilor Tevos on the ground. He pushes the safety off.

Cullen doesn’t hesitate, and fires off one shot, getting Udina right between the eyes. Humanity’s Councilor falls dead to the ground, and Cullen puts his gun away.

He’s really getting tired of always being surrounded by death.

He’s also getting tired of being the one who causes it.

The elevator doors are broken through, but it’s Commander Bailey and Councilor Valern, who is still covered in Kirrahe’s blood, that walk out.

“I thought Cerberus was behind us,” Councilor Tevos asks, as she’s being helped up by Councilor Sparatus.

Bailey nods, “They were, but we managed to scare them off. Looks like Shepard saved your asses _again_.”

Valern takes a step forward to his colleagues, and nods. “It’s true. And we lost a good soldier today protecting me. If it wasn’t for Shepard and Major Kirrahe…”

Kaidan finally puts his gun away, and looks to Valern. “Councilor, I met Kirrahe on Virmire.”

“Then you know the type of man he was. Let us do what we can to honor him.” Valern nods, and looks to Cullen silently before walking towards the hallway to the elevator with Bailey and the other Councilors in tow.

Cullen feels Kaidan’s hand on his arm, pulling him back. Cullen nods to Garrus to let the doors shut. “I’ll catch up later.”

Cullen turns to look past Kaidan to Udina’s dead body on the ground, the shuttle on fire behind him. C-Sec is on the way, the sirens ringing through the air and getting louder as they get closer. Part of his mind imagines Udina as Samson for the briefest of moments. Just a man, thinking he knew what was best, and was desperate enough to turn to the enemy and act on whatever the enemy needed when he wasn’t getting what he thought he deserved: respect.

“Shepard.” Kaidan says firmly, and puts his hand on Cullen’s shoulder. “You good?”

“Yeah,” Cullen says, blinking and Udina is no longer Samson, but he’s still dead. “I’m good.”

The two Spectres walk down the hallway back to the elevator, and hit the switch, the doors dinging open. Both of them get into the elevator silently as they ride it down to the Embassy offices.

Kaidan is fidgeting beside Cullen, trying to say something but he’s not able to find the words.

Cullen for his part, also doesn’t know what to say.

_That night, after Horizon, he gets a message at his private terminal._

_He doesn’t remember much of the day, but knows that he saw Kaidan. Cullen knows that because of that, he’s upset. He can’t quantify_ why _and it’s bothering him._

_But the message at his terminal tells him what he feared:_

_Cullen,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. Not that I am certain that you will remember it, since. Well. Shit. It still confuses me, no matter how many times you’ve tried to explain it.._

_But I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Just trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. And you weren't the man that I...well I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Who we were to each other. If we were ever anything at all. Maybe I've never really known that._

_Just, be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy._

_If you’re still the man I got to know, the man that I…I remember, then I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down, maybe…well. I don’t know if someday will ever arrive, do I?_

_Take care._

_\--Kaidan_

_Cullen reads the message over and over. He doesn’t reply. He deletes it, so that when he’s gone, Shepard won’t see it. It’s better that way._

The elevator comes to a hard stop and the doors open. Cullen’s eyes are glazed over for a moment, and he hesitates walking out.

“Cullen?” Kaidan asks, concerned.

Cullen clears his throat and blinks, and looks at Kaidan. He has the look again, he knows, and there is a look of sorrow and understanding he’s showing. He struggles to come up with anything to say, and eventually Cullen just shuts his mouth. “We’ll catch up later. I’m going to see how we can assist in the rebuilding efforts.” He nods firmly to Kaidan as they both step out of the elevator.

“Wait, are you—”

“I’m still me,” He says softly, “Just...we’ll talk later, okay?”

“Okay,” Kaidan nods.

Cullen turns and walks to a different direction than Kaidan goes, and makes his way back to the Normandy.

He can feel Kaidan’s eyes on his back, but he’s not ready to face that memory just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gotta say - kaidan's letter after the horizon mission in ME2 has always gotten me right in the feels, so i of course had to find a way to incorporate it here.
> 
> & i may start posting twice a week in a more defined schedule rather than "when i want", so i will let you know what i decide! as always, glad you are enjoying the story :)


	14. Chapter 14

They stay docked on the Citadel for a week, to help as much as they can to start repairs. The Normandy crew goes to and from the ship, and they assist C-Sec in rebuilding. Civilians start to come together to help the repairs as well, and for the moment, those who live on the Citadel are united in who the enemy is – even if it is Cerberus over the Reapers.

It’s at least _something_ and Cullen is glad that people no longer seem to have their heads in the metaphorical clouds. Joker’s comments about it are a little more colorful, but it comes down to the fact that he’s also glad people understand there is a war going on.

But that’s the problem: there’s a war going on, and the Normandy can’t stay docked on the Citadel for forever.

Cullen has spent most of his time with the Council and Bailey getting things organized, and meeting with some select Spectres to offer some training and tips on how to deal with Cerberus in the future. He also gives tips for dealing with the Reapers that he has faced. During both of these sessions, there is one newly minted Spectre who isn’t there.

He tries not to let his disappointment show. But, Cullen worries that maybe he should have been the one to reach out to Kaidan after the Coup – but there were things to do. He knew Kaidan was still on the Citadel, he’d pass him working on construction, or speaking to children who were scared.

There is a part of him that knows he’s avoiding Kaidan because _he_ is scared of what might be said between them. Though he’s not 100% sure what he’s scared of.

_He steps out onto the battlements and looks to the courtyard below. The Inquisitor is walking with Solas and looking at him as he’s talking, and Cullen can see from here it’s a look of adoration. Behind them, Iron Bull and Dorian are talking._

_Cullen can read the body language enough to know that Iron Bull is hitting on Dorian, and Dorian is very receptive. Or, he could have just recalled the fact that he had heard the two of them the last two nights._

_Dorian looks up from the courtyard to Cullen, and Dorian’s smile quickly fades. He turns away from Cullen and walks towards the tavern._

_Cullen keeps his shoulders high, and his hands behind his back. He doesn’t have time for this feeling of rejection, when being with Dorian had never really filled the missing pieces he had during the day. He didn’t understand what it was he was feeling, but he didn’t have time to dwell._

_He crossed over to Skyhold, and into the War Room – there were battles to plan, and wars to win. There was no time for personal connections, and no point to try to stop this empty feeling he struggled for years._

Okay, so he’s secretly scared of rejection. But he doesn’t want to admit to it.

The galaxy is calling and the Normandy crew has to get back out there. Cullen tries to resist it at first. It’s selfish of him, to wish that he could just focus on repairing the Citadel and that would be enough. But there is a larger war out there, and there are millions of people trying to fight for their lives against the Reapers.

If they fail, it would be worse.

And so, after a few weeks, he gives notice to the crew. Time to go.

Cullen finds it strange that he can’t seem to find Kaidan, especially now that he’s looking for him. He tries not to feel disappointed.

He’s _wildly_ unsuccessful.

“Thanks again, Shepard, I appreciate the assist,” Bailey says, as he escorts Cullen back to the Normandy’s docking bay, “Hopefully next time you’re back the station will be a little better sorted. “

“If you need anything at all, Bailey, you let me know.” They stop short of the doors, as Cullen holds his hand out and Bailey shakes it firm.

“Of course, Shepard. Be seeing you.” Bailey nods, and turns back to the Citadel itself, and Cullen does not envy the job that man has. Though, he doubted anyone would envy _his_ job either.

There are ships coming in and out of the docking area, and Cullen stands the window by the door watching them for a while. Easily allowing himself to be lost in thoughts, or more accurately, thoughts of anything other than the on-going war and things he’s not dealing with.

Like disappointment.

And regret.

It’s a half an hour before he finally tears himself away and opens the door to the docking ramp.

He’s greeted by Kaidan, waiting for him. Cullen’s heart immediately leaps so hard that he thinks it might escape through his chest. Just seeing the man in front of him, fearing that he wouldn’t, was already dissolving any disappointment he had.

“Hey.” Kaidan nods upwards, trying to show an air of confidence, but he’s pacing around the path. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah?” Cullen asks, and rubs the back of his neck. “I guess we haven’t really spoken since…”

“Udina.”

“Yeah. That.”

Kaidan sighs, “Yeah. I just…I’ve been wondering, if I hadn’t stood down. Would you have taken the shot?”

“What?” Cullen is surprised, and he knows he shows it in expression and in face. “ _Never_. Absolutely not. Kaidan, what Udina did…I don’t understand it, but I would have never shot at you.”

“Okay. That’s what I wanted to know.”

“Seriously? _That’s_ all you wanted to know?”

Cullen drops his hand from his neck and walks towards Kaidan, though he stops short in front of him. Kaidan shakes his head. “No. I have a million questions actually, that I want answered. But I…” Kaidan stops pacing and clears his throat. “Hackett offered me a position with him. But I’d give that up in a second if it meant I had a chance to be on the Normandy again. Just say the wo—”

“— _Yes_.” Cullen is quick to cut Kaidan off, and Kaidan’s eyes go a little wide in surprise before his features soften and he smiles. Cullen clears his throat, feeling the heat of a blush to his cheeks, and is damming himself in his head. “I mean, if you would like your position on the Normandy again, you can have it, Major.” He tries to stand straighter, to be more _Commanding_ and for a moment he thinks it works.

Until Kaidan laughs, and mock salutes, “Of course, Commander.” He smirks, and Cullen feels his mouth go dry. Cullen clears his throat again and rolls his eyes, and gestures towards the door.

“I’m not even going to ask you to get your things, because if I know you, they’re already on board.”

“Good thing you know me then.”

The two of them walk towards the door of the Normandy, and Cullen looks at Kaidan from the corner of his eye, to seek Kaidan watching him. Kaidan turns away with a knowing smile on his lips, and Cullen laughs.

“I’m glad you’re back, Alenko.”

Kaidan nods, “Me too, Shepard.”

And like that, Cullen’s regret is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are love, so let me know your thoughts! And thank you as always for reading :)


	15. Chapter 15

Another night comes, and he can’t sleep.

It’s so much easier to stay awake, and Cullen is used to this dance. He pulls on a muscle tank and his sweatpants and leaves his cabin – it’s easier to walk around the ship in hopes that he might tire himself out rather than wait for sleep to come.

Though, if it means avoiding countless dreams that make no sense or nightmares that are never ending, he figures staying awake can’t be that bad.

He takes the elevator down to the crew level, and to the kitchen to get some coffee. One of the few delicacies here that he’s started to enjoy; there wasn’t much of this in Thedas, and for some reason it brought comfort. As his memories blended more and more, and things started to feel more natural, he was realizing some of Shepard’s habits had been that of his own. Or were becoming his own.

It was still confusing.

Coffee in hand, he walks towards the starboard observation deck, looking for some quiet contemplation, but when he opens the door and it shuts behind him, he finds he’s not alone.

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be in here this late.” Cullen apologizes, before he realizes who he’s speaking to. “Kaidan? What are you doing up?”

Kaidan turns from looking out the window, dressed down similarly as Cullen is. “Couldn’t sleep.” He gestures to one to the couches that faces the large window overlooking space and goes to sit down.

“Same here,” Cullen sits beside him, a small amount of distance between them. He sips his coffee, and Kaidan gestures towards it.

“Got something stronger than coffee in there, Commander?” Kaidan raises an eyebrow and Cullen shakes his head with a small smile.

“Nah. Just coffee. If I can’t sleep, might as well stay awake.”

“I hear that,” Kaidan nods, as he sinks a little more into the couch and looks out to the stars. “It’s weird, isn’t it? It looks so peaceful out there. But the reality is so much worse.”

“I try not to think about it.” Cullen shrugs, “I come here a lot actually. This room, I mean. Usually I’m the only one in here.”

Kaidan smirks, “Sorry to disappoint. I asked EDI where the least commonly used room was. It’s good for meditation. Which,” He turns to look at Cullen, “You could have warned me about EDI, I thought I was going to have a heart attack!”

Cullen looks confused for a moment. Then his eyes go wide, and he almost spills his coffee. He sets it down on the floor instead. “Shit, I’m sorry Kaidan, it must have completely slipped my mind. _Andraste_ , I didn’t mean to not tell you.” His nose scrunches up, but Kaidan waves it off.

“It’s fine. But, uh, what’s ‘Andraste’?”

It is a heavy sigh that falls from Cullen’s lips, as he looks away from Kaidan and back out to the space beyond the Normandy. “Andraste is, or was, a figure from a religion I followed in Thedas.” He swallows hard, avoiding looking at Kaidan when he speaks. “I’ve been trying to curb speaking like I’m still there, but sometimes it just comes out. Common phrases, things I used to know.” He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, as he holds his hands together.

“Is it hard? To…have everything around at once? Your memories, I mean. I still don’t understand it, but I’m…well, I want to.”

Cullen shrugs, and looks down at his hands. “Sometimes. Most of the time, it’s natural and things have started to blend together easily. But then there are things I don’t always remember until something seems to trigger it.”

“Hmm,” Cullen feels Kaidan shift on the couch next to him, “You get a look on your face when you’re remembering something. I’ve seen it a few times now. Your eyes sort of glass over, and you take a minute to come back to the present.” Cullen looks to Kaidan as he continues, “I used to see it a lot when you’d ‘switch’ over. One minute we’d be having an in-depth conversation, and the next… _poof._ Like nothing ever happened.”

Kaidan looks away from Cullen then, and stood up and walked over to the window. Cullen watches him as he moves, but he doesn’t get up from his seat. Distance seems to be the right thing here, he thinks.

“I’m sure seeing that wasn’t easy for you, Kaidan. I—”

“Cullen, _don’t_. I don’t understand what it is that did this, or why you were…I was _thankful_ for the nights we spent talking. Sometimes, I was even thankful that you wouldn’t remember anything I said during the day. It made things easier. Or, I _told myself_ it made things easier. Shit, this is…” Kaidan sighs and rubs his forehead. “Confusing. But you’re…you’re here fully, Cullen, and I guess I’m…still trying to understand everything.”

There is a silence between them that stretches out longer than Cullen wants it to, and he stands up. He walks over to the window and stands in front of Cullen. “When I was aware in my other life, I’d black out at night. I had no memory of anything that happened each night, but during the day I always felt…this large sense of loneliness. That something wasn’t right. That something was missing.”

“What was your life like?” Kaidan asks quietly, and Cullen notices Kaidan’s attention is completely on him. He tries not to fall under the weight.

Cullen clears his throat. “Are you going to think I’m insane?” He asks, with a nervous laugh, but Kaidan shakes his head.

“I didn’t think you were before.”

“Have I told you before, then?”

“Bits and pieces. But I’d like to hear more. To understand.”

Cullen half smiles and gives Kaidan a nod. “Alright.” Nervously, he rubs the back of his neck. “I won’t bore you with details of my entire history. But, when these things started to happen, my ‘nightly blackout’ as Leilana called it, was when I had left my old life as a Templar and became the Commander of the Inquisition. We were meant to stop a war between the Templars and the Mages, but things got complicated fast.”

“How complicated?”

“Saren level complicated,” Cullen says as a means to explain easily, and Kaidan chuckles. Cullen continues, “I focused heavily on my work, and didn’t make too many friends while I was there. I had people I confided in, but no one I truly felt comfortable with. The Inquisitor, she was our leader. I thought I had feelings for her, but it was more of an admiration of her. She made connections with people easily, where I still struggled. A man from another nearby country came and joined us, and him and I started up a relationship until I realized he was using me, though it was a little late for me to realize. But after that, I cut off all personal ties, and kept things professional. ”

Kaidan had a look in his eye that Cullen didn’t quite understand, something he couldn’t quite place. “I don’t like knowing people used you, Cullen.”

“Ah, well, these things happen.” He shrugs, shifting on his feet uncomfortably. “Ultimately, my life was lonely. Work was all that drove me, and the demons of my past typically caused me nightmares. Once I started blacking out, instead of nightmares, there were faint feelings of something that kept me calm. Or, intrigued me, but I could never place what it was since I could never remember it.” Cullen chuckles nervously, and runs a hand through his hair. “Leilana always told me I seemed happier, but she could never place why. She used to ask me what I was hiding.”

Kaidan chuckles in turn, smiling a little easier, “Hard to reveal a secret if you don’t remember it.”

“I know,” he smirks. “And I suppose in a way, I was trying to use others to fill a gap that I couldn’t close. Something in me that didn’t seem whole.” Cullen shrugged, but Kaidan’s eyes widened slightly at the word choice. Cullen continued, “But, about a year into my role as Commander, we were fighting…” He scrunches his nose up, “The best way I can explain it is like a strange rip in a forcefield that was to keep demons out.” He makes a face, “That didn’t explain it any easier, but it pulled me out, and I woke up on the asteroid hurling towards the Mass Relay.”

Cullen stops speaking, and shrugs, looking at Kaidan. Kaidan’s eyes are scanning over Cullen carefully, watching him, taking in every detail. “There’s something I have a question about.”

“Only one thing?” Cullen laughs, and realizes he was holding his breath waiting for Kaidan’s reaction. It feels familiar, to be waiting on his word.

It hits him that on the SSV Normandy, this was the general location of where they used to sit, though it looked far different. There was still a window, that overlooked the vast of space. They would spend hours sitting and talking.

“Yeah, just one thing.” Kaidan nods. “You said something kept you calm. Intrigued you. Now that you have your memories, do you know what that was?”

Cullen once more feels his mouth go dry, and he clears his throat again. There is a heat that comes to his face, and Kaidan’s smirk tells Cullen everything. He shoots Kaidan a look, and Kaidan laughs. “What! I told you I wanted to see that again,” he says, gesturing to Cullen’s expression.

He feigns annoyance, and rolls his eyes, but there is no weight behind it. “So I don’t have to give you an answer then. Good.” Cullen’s lips curl upward in a smirk, as he starts to walk away.

Kaidan grabs his arm. As Cullen turns back to him, Kaidan’s hand slips down Cullen’s bare arm intentionally, before letting his fingers get caught in Cullen’s hand. They both let the touch linger for a moment, before Kaidan pulls away. “Next time you’re finding yourself not sleeping, let me know. We could distract each other.”

“I’ll be sure to let you know,” Cullen manages to get out, despite feeling like every part of him was on fire after a simple touch to the arm. “I don’t sleep a lot these days, it might become a regular thing.”

“I think I can deal with that.”

“Good,” Cullen replies, his voice slightly deeper as he says it, and Kaidan’s reaction is to blush.

Cullen grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A prequel to this story, called [Past and Never](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826533) is up! It's a short complete story, from Kaidan's POV leading up to the beginning of this story. Check it out!


	16. Chapter 16

They’re taking down another Cerberus base. It’s what they’ve been doing since the Citadel failed coup; chasing Cerberus out of their strong holds while putting a blow to the Illusive Man. Last time it was gathering the Reaper tech from them they were guarding. This time, it was shutting down servers. Cullen doesn’t go out on every Cerberus mission; they’re delegated out to those who really want to hit the Illusive Man hard that particular day.

This time, Cullen decides he needs to shoot something, and he takes the mission. It’s the last one in this system before they jump to meet with the Quarians, and Cullen wants to do as much clean up as they can before they’re sucked into another side-war pulling from the importance of the larger one.

Cullen tells Kaidan and James to get their gear, and the three men are dropped off on the Cerberus base as Cortez is chased out by Cerberus fighters.

The goal is to find the servers and shut them down. It’s almost laughable how easy it is to get to their goal.

James even comments, “How many guys do they have? They keep coming out of nowhere!”

Kaidan replies, “Maybe the Illusive Man has some magic wand or something we don’t know about.”

Cullen immediately chimes in, “I don’t want to think about any _wand_ of his, thank you very much.”

The banter is, oddly enough, _fun_ and the men are enjoying themselves – it’s the third mission that they’ve gone on since the coup and Kaidan rejoined them. Cullen has to silently admit to himself he’s enjoyed watching Kaidan back in action, but also as if he was seeing it for the first time.

It also helps that there are times that Kaidan catches him looking his way, and then goes out of his way to show off with his biotics. Cullen is just always adapting to the new things he’s realizing and is finding that Kaidan is in the center of the realizations most of the time. And the center of the distractions.

The men blast and shoot their way through Cerberus soldiers, trying to get out. Indoctrinated and desperate men and women, giving their lives to a cause that never really wanted them in the first place.

Cullen would pity them if he didn’t see the similarities in the Red Templars. In anyone following a false prophet, drunk with power.

Cortez comms in to let them know he’s on his way to get them in the LZ. Cullen, Kaidan, and James shoot their way through the remaining soldiers to make it to the shuttle. It looks to be all clear, but a loud metal _thump_ behind them and the sound of a gun revving up makes them turn.

“Atlas!” James calls out, and they take cover immediately, firing at it but as they take one down, another lands.

Cortez comms in to say he’s shooting down other fighters in the way, but they need to clear the LZ or he can’t get them.

Cullen throws up his shield and takes out his Black Widow, and snipes from behind the shield, aiming for the second Atlas’ driver seat to break the glass. Kaidan is throwing his biotics at the Atlas in full force. It’s a deadly combination, as the second Atlas goes down.

He’s about to comm to Cortez to say it’s clear, but he feels something sharp against his side, and then he feels something dripping.

“Commander!” James calls out, and Cullen sees James throw Carnage towards the Phantom, who falls back dead. As she falls back, the sword she had stuck through Cullen’s side slides out with her and breaks on the ground.

Cullen grabs his side, holding pressure to stop the bleeding, as Kaidan runs to his side and tries to apply Medi Gel, but the wound is too deep and he’s bleeding too much. Cullen falls to his knees first, but doesn’t fall to the ground as James and Kaidan catch him and carry him towards the shuttle waiting.

He’s coughing blood and gasping for air. He can barely hear Kaidan next to him. Kaidan is the last thing that Cullen sees before he loses consciousness.

***

Kaidan stares at Cullen on the floor of the shuttle, losing consciousness. “No! Cullen, dammit, _no!”_ He tries to get Cullen awake again, because to lose him this way would be to lose him completely, and the war could not afford that. “Can’t this hunk of metal fly any fucking faster?” He hisses to James and Cortez, but neither reply.

James is on comms warning Dr. Chakwas about what the situation is. Cortez is optimizing thrusters and breaking all possible rules he can to get them to the Normandy in time. “Almost there, hold tight!” Cortez warns, and Kaidan doesn’t look away from Cullen.

He’s hovering over him, holding his hands over the wound, to stop the bleeding. He’s covered in Cullen’s blood, but Cullen is still _breathing_ and he considers that a miracle. “Dammit, I watched you die once, I am _not_ doing that again,” he says, his voice barely over a whisper, cracking against the strain of the emotions. He doesn’t try to hide them around the other men, he doesn’t see a point.

Cortez gets them into the Normandy, and Chakwas is quick to get on the shuttle. Her medical team is there to get Cullen on a gurney and up to the MedBay – she tells Kaidan to come with her to keep the pressure on. He doesn’t reply, he only does what she asks because anything else is not what he wants to think about.

He had spent years wondering if he would ever see Cullen for who he was. Not the ‘hardass’ emotionless Commander the military respected and feared, but the kind soul who visited him at night and told him stories of places Kaidan had never been but always wanted to visit if they really existed. The kind soul that listened when Kaidan needed to talk to someone and did not once judge him. The kind soul that never did anything more than touch his hand once, though they came close to more once, because he felt it _wouldn’t be right or fair to you if I can’t give you all of me_.

He was so close. They were _so_ close and…

No. He wasn’t going to lose him.

He was going to do everything he could, do everything Chakwas needed him to do, and when Cullen was awake again, he’d tell him everything.

The galaxy could not lose Commander Shepard again. Not like this.

Kaidan couldn’t lose him again either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV switch up! _Dun dun dun_ , next chapter will also be in Kaidan's POV. 
> 
> And if you're looking for a little more angst (if this chapter didn't give you enough of it), I just posted a prequel short story called [Past and Never](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826533), also from Kaidan's POV. So, give it a look! 
> 
> As always your comments, kudos, and subscriptions are amazing, thank you so much for supporting this little weird story <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A full chapter in Kaidan's POV! Enjoy!

It’s touch and go for a long time, but Karin Chakwas gets Cullen stable enough for them to do combat surgery. They travel to the Citadel and dock – Kaidan and Garrus run out to Huerta Memorial to pick up supplies that Chakwas needs, and Dr. Michel comes back with them for the assist.

He stays out of the med bay and spends most of his time pacing around the Normandy. Normally, doing that would make Joker snap at him, but even Joker is anxious. He doesn’t admit it though, cracks jokes to keep people calm, and when he thinks no one is around, Kaidan hears him confide in EDI how worried he is.

It’s a full 48 hours before anyone knows Cullen’s condition. Kaidan is on the bridge with Garrus, talking with Joker and EDI. Liara is the one who comes up to talk to them and let them know they’ve moved the Commander up to his quarters to rest.

“He’s resting,” Liara warns, “We should let him.”

Kaidan fidgets, his hands tapping against his thigh, and then he quickly leaves – no, he _runs_ \-- for the elevator.

He hears Liara trying to tell him to stop, but hears Joker reply, “Let him go, Doc. It’s not going to hurt anything.”

The elevator door shuts, and Kaidan feels anxious. He’s practically bursting with energy, and his biotics are dancing delicately on his skin.

He must see Cullen, he must see for himself that he’s still alive and that he’s okay, and…he can’t let his mind wander too much. He still remembers the first time Cullen died. He doesn’t want to see that again.

The doors open and Kaidan takes a deep breath. He walks out and opens the doors to the Captain’s Quarters.

Dr. Chakwas is inside, packing up her medical bag at Cullen’s desk. “Oh, Kaidan,” She says softly, and walks over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “He’ll be okay.”

“What ended up being the…uh, well…” Kaidan remembers the Phantom, of course, but there was so much blood, he couldn’t see what happened.

“The sword went through his right side above his waist, a completely clean cut. Missed major organs but cut into muscle. We had to do some surgery, but with stitches, medi gel, and rest, he will be the Commander we know.” She smiles, “But I’m still insisting everyone reinforce their armor on the sides, I will not see that happen to anyone else.” She pats his shoulder and moves to leave.

“Okay. Thanks, Karin,” He nods.

She smiles. “He asked for you, by the way.”

Kaidan turns and looks at her with wide eyes, “He did?”

Her look is a knowing one, but she doesn’t say anything and lets the doors shut as she leaves.

It’s then that Kaidan allows himself to look at Cullen’s bed. To look at Cullen.

He’s bandaged up around his side and chest, his face isn’t too scarred – though in this light the scar over his lip somehow seems more defined, but Kaidan assumes he’s just seeing things. Kaidan moves closer to the bed, sits down on the edge and looks at Cullen’s hand resting on the bed next to his side.

He wonders if he should…he shouldn’t, right? But he does, and slowly, Kaidan moves his own hand towards Cullen’s. His fingertips grace Cullen’s.

At the small touch, Cullen stirs, and slowly opens his eyes. “Hey.” His fingers move slightly, to reach Kaidan’s.

The smallest gesture sends shockwaves through him, and Kaidan lets out a sigh of relief, “Hey.”

Cullen’s eyes are half open. He’s still heavily medicated, it’s obvious at the look he has as he smiles at Kaidan. “You’re very handsome,” he says, his voice quiet and slightly slurred, and Kaidan smirks. Smirking is easier than ignoring his heart screaming at him.

“And you’re _very_ high right now.”

“So? ‘s the truth,” Cullen mutters, his eyes fluttering shut again. Kaidan watches him for a moment before he slowly moves to stand up from the bed, and Cullen stirs again. “No.”

Kaidan raises an eyebrow and looks at Cullen, who still has his eyes closed. “No?”

“Stay. Please.” He says and opens his eyes enough to look at Kaidan. Kaidan is sure that Cullen _thinks_ he’s giving a stern look, but in reality…it just looks kind of cute.

Not that he wants to allow himself to look at Cullen in that light. Well. He does. Badly. He already _does_ think of him like that, knows what he feels for…well. Kaidan clears his throat, “Alright. I’ll stay.”

“Mmm. Good.” Cullen replies and closes his eyes again, and there is a small smile on his face before he passes out again.

Sighing, Kaidan runs a hand over his own face and paces a bit around the quarters as quietly as he can. He takes his boots off, and puts them near the couch, softening his steps. Every few minutes, he glances at Cullen, making sure that he’s still breathing.

He takes the time to explore around the Cabin – things are different here from when he was last up here those years ago. Technically, he had never _been_ in the Captain’s Cabin in the SR-2, because until now he had never been on the SR-2.

He doesn’t regret not trusting Cerberus, but he regrets not trusting Shepard. Or Cullen. Which is still hard for him to compartmentalize, but he’s trying. If he’s being honest with himself, and it’s so _very_ hard to do that these days, he was _almost_ hoping this would never happen. That he would never see Cullen’s memories be fully restored, that he’d never be ‘whole’, like they spent the nights talking about. Because before, believing that things could _never_ happen was giving Kaidan a nice wall between fantasy and reality. It kept him grounded, and his emotions didn’t blend with the Commander when they were on missions and doing the impossible.

But now? Now, everything _was_ blending. Everything had been blending since Horizon. The Commander everyone feared wasn’t there anymore, he didn’t exist. Now, the Commander everyone _respected_ was also the Commander everyone liked, and the man that Kaidan knew he—

\--he did not want to put a word to that thought.

Even if he already had once, and only once, before.

So. He didn’t.

Instead, to keep his mind distracted, he wandered around the cabin. There were model ships hanging up where he had never seen Shepard collect ships before. The fish in the fish tank were actually _alive_. On his desk, there was a holoframe of one of the first photos of the original Normandy crew. Next to it was paper and a pencil.

Things he hadn’t seen for years, why use paper when there were datapads?

Of course, Cullen wasn’t completely from this time, was he?

Still wasn’t used to _that_ thought. Or maybe it wasn’t the ‘time’ but the place, instead. That was easier to understand.

Right?

Kaidan picked up the papers one by one, to find sketches. A symbol he didn’t recognize that looked like a sword sticking through a glowing eye. Buildings he didn’t know. A stone wall room with a bed in the corner, and a hole in the ceiling. Sketches of a family he didn’t know. There were countless little sketches and notes in what Kaidan assumed was Cullen’s handwriting.

He had never seen anything so _neat_ before.

But under all the papers was one that was folded a few times into a square. He lifted his eyes to look at the bed, Cullen still fast asleep.

Kaidan picked up the paper, and carefully unfolded it.

What he saw, was a small sketch of _him_.

Kaidan felt his face heat up, and he swallowed hard. The lines of his face, the detail of his hair. It seemed like the image was drawn from memory, from one of the nights they had spent talking. Kaidan was on the other side of the couch, and he was facing the window looking out into space. Completely unaware that Cullen was watching him.

A quiet moment, one that reminds Kaidan of another one he’s been thinking on lately. 

_“What are you doing?” Kaidan asks Shepard, as he appears next to him with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses._

_“Offering a friend a drink,” Shepard replies, and he sits next to him. “Is that against the rules, Alenko?”_

_“Didn’t know we were considering each other friends, Commander.”_

_There was a strange look on Shepard’s face after Kaidan had said that, like he was almost hurt at it. “I’d like to be. If you want, Kaidan.”_

_Kaidan swallows down the strange feeling he got when he heard Shepard say his name like that, and he laughs awkwardly. It sounds more like a squeak than a laugh, but Shepard doesn’t call him out on it. Instead, the Commander is pouring the whiskey into the glasses, and he’s handing one to him._

_With a nod, Kaidan takes the glass. Shepard smiles, and seems to…was that a blush? No, it couldn’t be. That would be strange._

_And if it was, then Ashley just lost a bet, and he wasn’t sure if Williams was ready for that yet._

_Hell, was Kaidan?_

_“You know, calling me Kaidan isn’t fair, Shepard,” Kaidan smirks._

_“Why not?” Shepard looks confused. It’s an expression Kaidan has never seen on him before. But ever since Eden Prime, he’s noticed Shepard has been acting differently at night when he thinks not so many eyes are on him. “It’s your name.”_

_“Well, yeah,” Kaidan chuckles, “But notice how everyone always just calls you Shepard?”_

_“Your point?”_

_“Are we allowed to call you by your first name? Do you even_ have _one?” Kaidan knows he’s teasing. He’s not sure if he should, if he’s overstepping a boundary._

_To his surprise, Shepard laughs. And it is the most wonderful sound he’s ever heard. It’s light and free, and he suddenly feels like he would do anything to hear that again. Kaidan hides the feeling behind the glass of whiskey._

_“You know my first name.”_

_“So, then can I use it?”_

_He smirks, “Sure, Kaidan. You can use it.”_

_“Then cheers, Cullen,” He raises his glass, and Cullen laughs._

_“To..?”_

_“Becoming friends.”_

The first time that he started to realize something was different about him. The first time Cullen started to let Kaidan into his very strange and fascinating life. It feels like decades ago.

Kaidan lets his fingers trace over the drawing, before he set it with the rest of the papers. Among all the drawings of older things, Cullen’s older life, Kaidan notes that Cullen took the time to draw something _new_.

There was an uncomfortable lurch in his heart, and Kaidan stepped away from the desk.

He quietly walked down the steps to the lower level, and took a seat on the couch, before stretching out. He wanted to be here when Cullen woke up.

After all, he _did_ promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just yet another comment to tell you all how much I appreciate you <3


	18. Chapter 18

Every single bone in his body hurts.

Wait, no. That’s not true. _And_ it’s a little dramatic.

Every single _muscle_ in his body hurts, and that feels more accurate.

But he slowly opens his eyes and comes to the realization that he slept. He actually _slept_ and it’s the first time since everything started going crazy that he slept without a nightmare.

Cullen isn’t sure if he wants to _thank_ the Cerberus Phantom for that or not. Well. Not that he can. If he remembers well enough, James took care of that problem very quickly.

Everything is aching, and as he tries to move out of his bed, he winces in pain. He hisses out quietly, and realizes that no, he’s not going to get anywhere fast. But there’s a war going on, the Reapers aren’t just going to take a break because he got hurt by the _other_ enemy who felt it was a good time to fight.

Maker’s breath, he _really_ hated the Illusive Man. The reasons kept piling up.

Cullen breathes in sharply as he tries to shift again, and he manages to get his feet to the side of the bed. He puts his hands on either side of him and starts to lift himself off the bed.

“Woah, woah, whoa! What are you doing?”

He doesn’t remember anyone being in the room with him, and he turns to look behind his shoulder to see Kaidan getting up off the couch and rushing over to him. He certainly didn’t remember Kaidan being there.

_You’re very handsome._

Oh. Well, shit.

“I’m getting up, what does it look like?” Cullen says, defiant as ever, but the way his body is aching is telling him to _stop being defiant_.

Kaidan is faster than Cullen can move, and he puts a hand on Cullen’s bare shoulder. “Absolutely not, I don’t care how fast you’re healing. Get your ass back in bed, Cullen.”

“Is that an order?” Cullen asks, raising an eyebrow towards Kaidan, and he smirks. He thinks he sees Kaidan blush, but he can’t really tell. Maybe his brain is making it up, it wouldn’t be the first time it has done that to him.

“If it will make you listen, then _yes_.” Cullen just looks at him, with a tilt of his head. Kaidan laughs. “Okay, okay, so it _won’t_ make you listen, but what reason do you have for getting out of the bed?”

“Other than the reason that I want to use the restroom? We have a war going on, Kaidan, I can’t exactly win it while in bed.”

“I think experts could say there are plenty of things you can win while in bed, _Commander._ ”

Cullen’s eyes are wide, and he tries to say something, but it just comes out like a squeak. Kaidan looks like the cat who caught the canary, and Cullen narrows his eyes in mock frustration.

Kaidan rolls his eyes, “I’ll help you to the restroom, but you need to go back and rest right after.”

“Kaidan,” Cullen starts, as he rises slowly to his feet. He holds his side in pain, and winces.

“Yeah, see _that_ is why you need to rest. Come on,” He gently puts an arm around Cullen’s shoulders, and Cullen wraps his arm around Kaidan’s back as they make the short (and somehow incredibly long) walk to the restroom.

Cullen uses the restroom, cleans up and comes back out. Kaidan is still waiting expectantly to help him back to the bed.

“Oh, you’re still here?” Cullen asks, and awkwardly laughs. This would normally be when he moves his hand to the back of his neck in embarrassment, but he can’t really move his arms that well. Instead, he just bows his head a little and avoids Kaidan’s look.

“Yes. Still here. Come on.”

“Why are you being stubborn?”

“ _Me_?” Kaidan asks with mock offense with his hand to his chest, “I am not as close to stubborn as you are right now.” They repeat the same movements, and they get back into the slow movement of back to the bed. Cullen hates that he must lean on Kaidan for this, and he also finds himself hating that he’s somehow _enjoying_ leaning on Kaidan like this.

Cullen shifts away from Kaidan and with a show of annoyance, he gets back into the bed. Kaidan helps to put pillows behind his back, enough so he’s not sitting straight up, but not enough that he’s straining his stitches. “What was that you said before? Medical red tape?”

Kaidan laughs, and Cullen swallows down the thought he has. “That was different.”

“And how, Major, is this different?”

“For one, it was mostly Udina keeping me there until I gave him an answer. For two, _shut up_.”

Cullen laughs, and Kaidan seems pleased with the response. “Not really helping your cause, there.”

“I could blackmail you into staying there.”

“With what!?”

“I seem to remember someone telling me I was handsome last night.” Kaidan smirks at Cullen, as he pulls the blankets up to his waist. Kaidan then starts to move away from Cullen. Cullen watches as he walks to the other side of the bed.

Cullen swallows hard, “I…have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Nah, see, the blush on your cheeks say you’re lying,” Kaidan is beyond pleased with himself, as he moves to sit next to Cullen on the bed. Sitting on top of the sheets and blankets, his back against the other pillows that Cullen never touches, and Cullen realizes that now it will smell like Kaidan. His cheeks go a deeper red.

Kaidan looks at him, but Cullen notices that he’s not laughing. Instead he just is studying Cullen, and Cullen feels like under this look, he’s on fire. Cullen swallows air again, desperate to clear his throat.

But the look disappears as Kaidan too seems to shake himself out of whatever he’s thinking. “Okay, so here’s the deal. We’re going to watch stupid vids to keep you entertained, okay?”

“Don’t you have other things you’d rather be doing?” Cullen asks, quietly.

Kaidan shakes his head, and seems to reply honestly, “Nowhere I’d rather be then here.”

He activates the holoscreen on the far glass wall on his omni-tool and pulls up a vid.

“Kaidan,” Cullen says, looking from the vid to the man sitting on his bed. He ignores the thoughts in his head of how he wishes he wasn’t hurt. Because the things he wants to… “Blasto? Really?”

“Not just _any_ Blasto, Shepard,” he teases, “Blasto 1. We are going to watch _all_ of them.”

“Alenko, you’re the worst.” There is nothing but amusement and light teasing in Cullen’s tone.

“Yeah, but you like it.”

Cullen nods, conceding defeat, “Yeah, I do.”

He swears he sees Kaidan’s face light up, but that could also be the vid.

It’s not the vid.


	19. Chapter 19

“So. Blasto stopped Saren.”

“Yep.”

“ _And_ Blasto is now the only Spectre?”

“Spectre _5000_.”

“ _And_ has his own ship called the…Blormandy?”

“…uh huh.”

“ _And_ blew up the Collector base?”

“I…yeah…”

“And we’re only on film 4?”

“Well the 6th one just came out…”

“Maker’s breath, _Kaidan_ , I can’t watch this anymore!” Cullen laughs, “I don’t care that these are the worst _and_ shortest films ever.”

“But we haven’t even talked about the new Blasto film they’re writing about how he cures the Genophage!” Kaidan is grinning towards Cullen, and Cullen finds it easy to match Kaidan’s look. It warms him, makes him feel safe, pulls at his heart uncomfortably but in a way that he seems to be ok with. “Alright, alright, no more Blasto.”

He’s been getting mission updates while he rests, his omni-tool going off with updates from Garrus and Liara so he’s aware of what they’re doing. But they can’t do much while he’s healing, so they’re helping out the galaxy where they can. Kaidan is doing his best to keep Cullen distracted.

Little does Kaidan know, it’s working a little too well.

“So, what then, what else do you want to watch? _Vaenia_?”

Cullen shakes his head, “Andraste, _no_ ,” he laughs. “The last time I even spoke about that film was when I was hunting an Asari. Well, specifically an Ardat-Yakshi it’s…a long story.”

He turns to look at Kaidan, who is staring at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Cullen shifts a bit under Kaidan’s gaze, but he doesn’t look away. On the holoscreen, _Blasto 5_ has started auto-playing.

Kaidan doesn’t say anything, and Cullen gives in, “What? Do I have something on my face…?” He asks, “Because I mean I can’t really get it right now if I do, so you’ll have to deal with it.”

“No,” Kaidan shakes his head and chuckles, “No, sorry, I was just…”

“What?”

“Thinking.”

“About?” Cullen asks, raising an eyebrow.

“It doesn’t bother you that all the Blasto films are just…weird fabrications of your life?” Kaidan asks, and Cullen finds a strange feeling of _disappointment_ come over him.

“No. When you think about it, it’s not even close to what my life is. Exaggerations on what they _think_ my life was.” Cullen shrugs, but immediately regrets the action, as he winces. He sighs heavily and taps his fingers against his thigh anxiously. Bedridden and unable to move is not how he wants to spend this time.

The first time he has Kaidan up in his quarters is when he is stuck to the bed, and not in the way he would _like_ to be, and it’s driving him insane. The pain medication is mostly wearing off, but he doesn’t want any more of it. He wants to be able to remember conversations. Specifically, with Kaidan, but with anyone else as well. Which is a little lie he tells himself to try to hide that he doesn’t really care about talking to anyone else right now.

Kaidan shifts on the bed next to Cullen and sighs, “Yeah, I guess people don’t really know what you’ve been through huh? You’re just stories and legends blended into an attractive package,” he shrugs.

“An attractive package?” Cullen asks, and hides his smirk.

Kaidan, again, rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you know what you look like, Cullen. Is this payback for the blackmail earlier?”

“What? Where you tried to hold me accountable for something I said under pain medication?”

“Oh, ouch, Cullen. That _hurts_. That one hurt.” Kaidan feigns pain, and dramatically puts his hand on his chest and leans in a little towards Cullen. A grin breaks out on his face. “You mean to tell me what you said wasn’t true?”

Cullen can feel his cheeks heating up again, and he clears his throat, “I…”

Kaidan looks him over with amusement, but also a hint of something else that Cullen is afraid to name.

He thinks for a moment that the distance might be closing between them…

But then Kaidan leans back to how he was sitting before, back to the original distance, and Cullen finds himself wishing that he wasn’t injured. Because it would just be so easy to lean over and playfully grab Kaidan’s arm, pull him close to him. He could so easily kiss him then, like he had wanted to for years.

And it hits Cullen in that moment, that it really had been for years. In the nights when he was here and blacked out in Thedas. In the days, when he was in Skyhold, trying to ignore the empty feeling he had; like there was something he was missing. He could never tell what it was. At least, not until he fully awoke _here_ and was faced with a symphony of untapped memories and emotions he was missing.

There was just nothing he could do about it until now.

When he was injured.

He was getting so frustrated, he could scream.

“Hey, Cullen, it’s okay,” Kaidan says softly, and Cullen wonders if he read his mind. “Really.”

“Wait, did…did I do something?”

Kaidan shakes his head, “No.”

Cullen raises an eyebrow, “Were you really just thinking about Blasto stealing my life story?” 

“No.”

“Then what was it?”

Kaidan shifts and looks at Cullen. “I was…thinking that I can’t remember the last time I just sat and watched a marathon of awful vids with someone. Sort of takes your mind off the war going on, yeah?”

Cullen’s eyebrows furrow. “Kaidan…”

He watches as Kaidan sighs and runs a hand through his hair, that Cullen desperately wants to touch in that moment. “I watched you get spaced. You _died_ and I never got…it took me two years to move on from things, you know?”

“I remember your message,” Cullen clears his throat, “After Horizon.”

Kaidan shifts again on the bed, but is careful not to move too much, to not disrupt how Cullen was resting. “Then you were real. Not that you weren’t _before_ , but…that day we always joked about was _real_ and I didn’t…Cullen, you almost died a second time in front of me, and all I could think about was that I didn’t…”

Cullen’s heart feels tight. He wants to move to Kaidan’s side, to closer to him. He wants to touch him, he wants to…Maker, there is so many things he _wants to do_ but he can’t. He can barely move. He just wants to…

His eyes are on Kaidan, and Kaidan shifts closer to Cullen on the bed. There is some nonsense about Blasto in the background that neither of them is paying attention to.

Cullen reaches his hand out to Kaidan, raising his hand to hesitantly touch his cheek. At the contact, Kaidan’s eyes close and he sighs softly. His breath hitches slightly, and Cullen finds himself mesmerized by the whole thing. He wants to be able to have more mobility than he has, and he shifts up higher against the pillows. Kaidan’s eyes open, as he watches Cullen shift, and his content look turns into one of slight disappointment.

“Listen, this would be a lot easier if I wasn’t unable to move…” He starts to say, and Kaidan’s expression changes to understanding almost immediately and he moves closer to Cullen.

Kaidan, for his part, touches Cullen’s cheek. He runs his thumb gently over the scar above his upper lip, and then his thumb trails along his lip. Cullen reacts to the touch, his lips parting slightly, as Kaidan’s touch moves to his chin.

“You’re very handsome,” Kaidan says quietly, and Cullen smiles.

“I thought that was my line,” he replies.

“Shut up,” Kaidan teases. He lingers for a moment, and Cullen thinks that Kaidan is going to kiss him, but instead Kaidan moves away.

He gets off the bed and smiles softly at Cullen. “You should get some more rest. There’s some things I want to get done – but I’ll come back later?”

Cullen’s confused, and he knows he’s showing it, as Kaidan comes back to his side. “Did I…”

“No, Cullen. You’re fine. There’s just…I want to think about something first. Okay?” Kaidan says softly, “Before I give into anything.”

“I…” Cullen starts, but then he clears his throat and he nods. “Yeah, okay. Of course, makes sense.” He half smiles, “I should maybe focus on healing anyway. Chakwas would kill me if I pulled these stitches.”

Kaidan laughs, “Yeah, you don’t want to be on her bad side.”

Cullen nods.

“I’ll talk to you soon, alright?” Kaidan says, and he looks like he wants to do something, he moves a bit towards Cullen but then talks himself out of it. He turns and walks out of the Captain’s Quarters, and Cullen watches the doors shut behind him.

Blasto is still playing on the holoscreen, and Cullen turns it off. The room goes silent, but Cullen hears his heart beating way too fast in his ears.

He moves his fingers to touch his lips for a moment and closes his eyes.

_“Kaidan, wait,” Cullen says softly, his hand on Kaidan’s chest, gently creating distance. “We can’t.”_

_Kaidan looks at Cullen with wide eyes, looking half wrecked from want and it almost destroys Cullen to see him like this. He looks how Cullen feels. “What? Why…”_

_“It’s not fair to you.”_

_“I can’t decide what is fair?”_

_“Do you really want to kiss someone that isn’t going to remember it in an hour?”_

_Kaidan’s look of frustration goes from annoyance to disappointment as it registers. “Shit. No, I…I wouldn’t like that.”_

_“Then…we shouldn’t.”_

_Kaidan sighs, “Stop being reasonable, Cullen.”_

_“Trust me,” He replies, “I hate that I am right now.”_

_“Alright. So…let’s just finish this bottle then.”_

_“Yeah. Let’s.”_


	20. Chapter 20

The hardest thing, Cullen was quick to realize, was having patience with himself when he was trying to heal and get back to normal.

Medi-Gel was helping speed things along, and the stitches were finally dissolving because of it. The one thing Cerberus had gotten _right_ was improving his ability to heal, but he was also certain that they weren’t thinking they’d eventually be fighting the person they gave that ability to.

Nothing like accidentally grooming an enemy, he was sure.

Cullen was slow to walk around the Normandy, knowing he was under the watchful eye of Chakwas monitoring his recovery – but he was up and about now. There was too much that still needed to be done, and he couldn’t do it all from sitting in bed.

It had also been a few days since Kaidan and Cullen had spoken and _almost_ connected in a way they hadn’t before, and Cullen was going crazy replaying the moment in his mind over and over.

He was, after all, the king at knowing how to torture himself with things he should and should not have said. Not that he was ever doing it on purpose.

Standing on the deck of the CIC, and standing in front of the galaxy map, his hands were on the railing. In front of him, a holoscreen was up, showing a view of a camera on one of the crew – specifically on Garrus. He was leading the latest assault on a Reaper stronghold, with Liara and Kaidan as his backups.

“Shepard, are you seeing this?” Garrus’ voice rang in Cullen’s earpiece. Cullen looked to Traynor, who nodded. Cullen brought his attention back to the screen, where Garrus’ hand was picking up something that looked like an old box. Something familiar about it was pulling at Cullen’s mind, but he couldn’t place it.

“Yeah, I’m seeing that. Do we have any information why the Reapers were so determined to capture this colony?”

“Other than the fact they want more for their armies?” Garrus replied. Cullen watched through the feed as Garrus set the box down.

“Garrus, look at this,” Kaidan called over, and Garrus turned himself and the feed towards Kaidan, who was crouched down looking at something within the rubble of the building they were investigating.

Liara was walking behind Kaidan, and gasped when she saw what he was looking at, “By the Goddess…”

“What?”

“Hold that up, Kaidan,” She asked gently, and Cullen couldn’t quite see Kaidan’s reaction from the feed. Kaidan stood up, holding something that appeared to be a helmet in his hands.

“Guys, what is that?” Cullen asked, his focus completely on the vid feed. The helmet seemed to shine a little against the light from the vid camera, and it gave off a hint of the color: gold.

Kaidan turned the helmet around in his hand, and then faced it towards Garrus, and the vid. “Looks like nothing I’ve seen before.”

Cullen blinked, and rubbed at his eyes quickly for a moment. “Traynor, can you clean up this feed a little for me?”

“Sure, Commander,” She replied, but he knew there was nothing for her to clean up.

Liara was in the frame of the vid now, and was looking at the helmet, “In some ancient civilizations and histories, it was common to adorn your armor with that of animals.”

“But make one out of gold?” Garrus asks, “Seems a little bit of a waste of resources.”

Cullen’s hands move from rubbing his face, to holding onto the railing so tight his knuckles turn white. “Actually, it’s not. It’s considered a great honor to be granted the ability to wear such a helmet, and it was created to strike fear in the hearts of the enemies of the person who wore it.” He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.

“Cullen…” Liara said, almost as a warning, and he was glad she couldn’t see his reaction right now.

“Get back to the Normandy, and bring that thing with you,” He continued, trying to hide his surprise and frustration all at the same time. “Liara, once you’ve researched it, let me know. Shepard, out.” He takes out his earpiece. dismisses the feed, and promptly ignores Traynor’s look of confusion as he heads to the elevator.

His destination is fast, as he gets off on the third deck and goes for Liara’s office. Glyph greets him, but he goes straight to her computers.

“Glyph, I need you to help me research something.”

“Sure, Commander,” it helpfully replies, “What do you need?”

“Anything and everything on a planet called Thedas. I need all the information that Liara has, as well as the information she doesn’t _know_ she has. You are not to inform her of this, do you understand me?” He looks to the VI as if he thinks it is going to follow his command – he knows it won’t.

“At once, Commander. Shall I send the information to your private terminal?”

“Yes.” Cullen paces around Liara’s office for a bit, before he leaves. Glyph is again helpful in his goodbye greeting, and Cullen has never wanted to punch a VI more.

He needs more information. He needs to know _how_ something of his has ended up on some deserted human colony. He needs to know _why_ the Reapers were looking for it if they were.

His heart rate is sky rocketing, and he makes the short trip to Chakwas, who looks at him with wide eyes when he walks in.

“I need…” He starts, and he struggles to take a deep breath.

She leads him to her chair, and settles him down, as she gets a seat next to him. “You need to calm down, you’re going to overexert yourself. This is _not_ what I approved you for, Commander,” she’s stern in her disapproval, but he’s too upset to care. He’s too confused to care.

“They have my helmet,” he starts, “They’re bringing it back now.”

“What?” She asks, “You already found that on the Normandy SR-1 crash site, I thought.”

He shakes his head furiously, “No. No. My golden lion helmet.”

“Your what?”

“From _Thedas_ , why does it exist here?” Cullen’s breathing is rough, and its borderline on having a panic attack. He can’t control his emotions, or what he’s feeling. He’s feeling confused. Scared. Upset.

He had started to feel like he could settle into a life in this world he was in now, and this just seemed like a way to uproot everything. It was not the time. It was not the place.

He felt Chakwas’ hand on his shoulder, and he inhaled sharply. “Breathe, Cullen. Please. Just breathe.”

Overhead, Joker announces that Garrus, Kaidan, and Liara have returned to the Normandy. Cullen looks at Chakwas and controls his breathing enough that he can stand.

“Where are you going?”

“My quarters,” He said, without additional explanation. He’s glad that she doesn’t try to stop him and doesn’t ask for more information. He knows she will _later_ but for now she allows him his dignity (or what is left) and allows him to hide away from the crew.

And when he’s back in his quarters, he sits at his desk and waits. Waits for information from Glyph. Waits for his budding headache to fade away, and not come to a crescendo like it’s threatening to do.

The headache doesn’t go away.

But two hours later, the information from Glyph comes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going off the canon-path now, folks! Which, okay, we were already doing that but you were all warned ;)


	21. Chapter 21

The information from Glyph isn’t a lot different from what is publicly in Cullen’s Alliance file. It’s also not a lot different from the classified information as well.

But there is a ton to read, and Cullen spends _hours_ reading about it. It goes into research, findings, and a timeline.

_2181: Unknown planet discovered. A lush planet, atmosphere like Earth in the Sol System. Two moons orbit the planet. Initial scanning shows a forcefield that is impenetrable._

_2182: Scouting team managed to get through forcefield due to an unknown breach. Scouts found various species living on the planet, some humanoid, some not. Further research needed. Some planetary citizens use a form of biotics, though it is referred to as magic. Most are prone to fighting with very ancient weaponry and shields._

_2183: Scanning shows strange disturbance in planetary atmosphere and structure. Readings show a technological field, potentially dangerous. Potential to save some but not all from inevitable planetary destruction._

_2184: Trips to Thedas not recommended due to growing disruption in force field. Planetary readings show short lifespan. Orders are not to interfere._

_2185: Another breach in the force field allowed scouts to travel through to do final research. Destruction of planet eminent._

2183 was when he came across the Prothean Beacon, and things started to change. 2185 was when he had awoken in the galaxy fully. But what was that in the time he was used to in Thedas? If he was right on his count, it was just when he had arrived in Haven, 9:40 Dragon. He was fighting in Redcliffe as part of the Inquisition a year in after its founding in 9:41, making it 9:42 Dragon when he disappeared.

He supposed it added up, sort of. The headache he got when trying to figure it out didn’t help anything.

The timeline ends there, with a note from Glyph that there is other information coming – it just needs to be decoded and that will take some time. Cullen isn’t _sure_ that he has time, but it’s the most he can do right now. Thedas, as far as he knows, is destroyed. It is not as if there is a home to come back to.

But he’s not sure he even considers Thedas to be home anymore. So much has changed.

It’s not enough to get him out of his quarters until the next day though, when he announces that they’re heading back to the Citadel.

He wants to access the Spectre database and wants to do it outside of his Alliance networking connections on the Normandy. Or without hacking through Liara’s computer terminals, where his helmet is just sitting there waiting for him to touch.

He’s not sure he wants to touch the helmet. He’s not sure he even wants to see the helmet.

Part of him feels guilty for wanting to leave Thedas behind him.

Though he spends time in and out of his quarters, most of it is spent in, and most of it is spent away from conversing with others. The crew does missions while the Normandy makes its way back towards the Citadel, and Cullen continues to get updates and reports from Hackett on the Crucible.

He gets messages from Anderson, and the two men manage to reply back and forth a few times, though Cullen doesn’t expect answers. Not when Anderson is doing his best to keep those in the resistance on Earth alive and hidden.

It makes him wonder, if Thedas was under a Reaper attack, would it have survived? His optimism wants to say it would. He doesn’t bother looking into his pessimism.

Lost in reports, he almost misses a message from Kaidan.

_Cullen –_

_Since we’re heading to the Citadel, how about you and I grab lunch? Let’s go to Apollo’s if you’re up for it._

_\- Kaidan_

He wonders why Kaidan didn’t bother come and asking him in person but realizes that he hasn’t exactly been approachable for almost 36 hours. It’s late now. He considers responding via message, but instead decides on something else.

So once more, he leaves his quarters. “EDI, can you let me know where Major Alenko is located?”

“Major Alenko is in the Starboard Observatory.”

Of course, he tells himself. He should have known.

Kaidan is leaning against the large window overlooking the vast of space and doesn’t appear to hear Cullen enter the room. Cullen approaches him and makes sure he’s in Kaidan’s view before he speaks.

“Cullen. Hey.” He greets him quietly, with a soft smile. “Good to see you up and about.”

“Mmh,” Cullen affirms, and stands next to him looking out the window. Kaidan pushes back from the window a bit and looks to Cullen. “I got your message,” Cullen continues. “Why didn’t you just come and see me?

Kaidan smirks, “You sort of made yourself invisible to pretty much everyone for a few days, Cullen. Which, listen. I get it. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“You wouldn’t have been disturbing me.”

“Who knows. But I see you haven’t responded to my message, either.” Kaidan lightly teases and turns to face Cullen.

“That’s why I’m here. Thought I’d accept your invitation for lunch in person.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“That’s all?”

“Why, _Major_ , expecting something else?” Cullen raises an eyebrow, and shifts off the window as well, stepping towards Kaidan. The smirk on his lips matches Kaidan’s own.

“Not yet, _Commander_ ,” he replies, his voice lower than it had been before. The shift does something to Cullen that he doesn’t want to give away, and he catches himself before he loses control. Or gives in. He’s not sure which it is anymore. They both look at each other for a long time, as if they’re trying to figure out the next move. Kaidan speaks, “I have to ask…”

“Yeah?”

“How did you know about that helmet? Or helmets like it?” Kaidan’s look turns from what Cullen had sworn might have been a little seductive, to something of concern, and Cullen sighs. He takes a step back from Kaidan, and based on that movement alone Kaidan tries to cover, “I mean, I heard…I heard the tone of your voice, Cullen, you didn’t seem too pleased.”

Cullen rubs the back of his neck, and turns away from Kaidan, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Kaidan, I don’t want to talk about it. Not now, okay?” He can feel the moment that had been in the room with them before start to disappear into the air, and he feels the weight settling in on his shoulders once more. “I just…later. I promise. I just need some sleep.”

Kaidan nods, “Sure. Yeah, of course, I understand. But we’ll meet up on the Citadel, yeah?”

There’s a hopefulness in Kaidan’s voice that Cullen picks up immediately and it seems to almost act as a barrier between the weight he started to feel, and himself. He doesn’t understand how Kaidan is capable of that, but he’s thankful for it.

“Yeah. Promise. It’s a date.”

“Oh? Is it?”

“What?”

“A date?” Kaidan teases, and Cullen’s face immediately goes red. He tries to say something but it once more comes out like a squeak and he quickly turns away from him and heads for the door.

But he’s sure Kaidan sees his smile before he leaves. “I should go.”

He hears Kaidan laughing as the doors shut behind him. He allows himself a smile, as he heads for the elevator again.


	22. Chapter 22

With the Normandy docked on the Citadel, it’s a chance for a short shore leave – at least for most of the crew. For some, there’s still plenty of work to be done.

Cullen goes immediately to the Spectre office and connects into the terminals to get more information – or _any information_ – on Thedas, or even on his damn helmet. What he does find still seems to be locked behind confidential access. The only thing higher than a Spectre is the Council themselves, and Cullen isn’t about to go and beg them for their access.

It leaves him at bit of a dead end, a fact he’s frustrated by and does not hide as he punches his hand into the nearest wall. Not the _smartest_ decision he has made in recent days, but the small outlet feels good and he’s able to try to focus. He did what he could, now he just has to wait for more information from Glyph.

Or he could suck it up and go and speak to Liara about what she found out, but he’s just not ready for that yet. She’s a curious person, and curiosity breeds questions that he just isn’t sure he wants to answer.

He checks the rest of the terminal messages directed towards him, answers what he needs to, accepts whatever side jobs that the Council wants him to investigate, and logs out of the terminal.

But when he gets to the doors to leave, he stops.

He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. With this one thing out of the way (for now), up next was to meet Kaidan for lunch. Meeting him, which Cullen had foolishly said was _a date_ and he still played that little moment in his head over and over. Should he had said that? Perhaps he was just…imagining things. Of what he wanted.

Because he knew what he wanted.

There wasn’t much that he had left behind when he woke up here. His family, of course, and he missed his siblings dearly. But they would have understood that perhaps he was finding a better fit for himself here. Mia would have understood the most out of all of them. She always knew he wasn’t fully invested in the life he had in Thedas, and she worried that one day he’d become so apathetic to things that he’d be lost to her forever.

He wished he could write her now. Tell her that despite the galaxy under attack, despite knowing that Thedas was somewhere he could never go back to, he was happy.

Or maybe he _could_ be happy, if he got his ass out of the Spectre’s Office and down to Apollo’s.

Of course, getting down to the Presidium Commons isn’t easy, because it seems everyone he knows needs to speak to him. When he gets off the elevator, he’s twenty minutes late for lunch and he already is worrying about what Kaidan’s reaction will be. Maybe it won’t be a bad one.

But when he arrives to Apollo’s, he sees Kaidan sitting and chatting with someone; a human female with blond curly hair around her shoulders, who seems _very_ into him and keeps touching his arm flirtatiously.

Cullen freezes in his steps as he watches.

_He’s running late. It’s another long day in Kirkwall. With Meredith dead, and him taking up the title of Knight-Commander, there is always something that needs to be done._

_Normally, he wouldn’t mind being bogged down with work, but tonight he has a date. A cute brunette woman asked him out finally, after weeks of them idly chatting when they saw each other in Hightown. He jumped at the chance, and while the option of The Hanged Man as a date location was strange, he supposed it was better than the Blooming Rose._

_He changed as quickly as he could and got down to Lowtown to the Hanged Man, but he was 20 minutes late. And when he walked in, the woman he was to meet was already in the lap of someone else. His arm was around her waist, her arms were around his neck, and their lips were very much connected to each other._

_With a heavy sigh, he just went straight for the bar and ordered the strongest drink he could and downed it. He ordered another before there was a tap on his shoulder._

_“Knight-Commander Cullen, may I have a word? My name is Seeker Pentaghast, and I have an offer for you.”_

He comes out of the memory and clears his throat. He can’t just ignore this, really. Not when Kaidan serves on the ship with him. Cullen sighs heavily and puts a smile on his face as he approaches the table.

“Cul— _Commander_!” Kaidan speaks very quickly the moment Cullen approaches, and the woman looks away from Kaidan to Cullen. Her eyes spark with recognition.

“Oh! Commander Shepard! I have heard so many wonderful things about you!” She stands up and holds out her hand, “Dr. Maria Santos, Alliance. It’s so great to meet the legend in person!”

He takes her hand and shakes it, and maybe he squeezes it a little _too_ tight, because she laughs and comments on the strength of his grasp. “Ah, sorry about that,” He replies smoothly, and lets her hand go. “I apologize also for interrupting you both.”

“You weren’t interrupting any—” Kaidan immediately starts, and at the same time, Maria cuts in with “Oh it’s okay we were just—”

The two of them look at each other, Kaidan’s blush of embarrassment on his face getting even redder, and Maria seems almost annoyed at the reaction.

Cullen, for his part, is proud that he’s kept his expression cool and not giving away at all what he’s feeling. Which is that he’s screaming at the top of his lungs inside his head. “How do you and Major Alenko know each other, Dr. Santos?” Cullen asks, raising an eyebrow as he looks at Kaidan quickly, who still is sitting at the table.

Kaidan swallows hard at the question.

Maria laughs, “Kaidan and I used to be together. Dated on and off for about two years.” Cullen watches as she looks away from Cullen and looks to Kaidan, “I never expected to run into him here, though. Can you blame a girl for wanting to pick up where things left off?” She slyly looks back to Cullen, as if asking him to take the hint.

He does. Very much he does, and he nods. “Of course. No one could blame you,” He says, looking from her and looks directly at Kaidan.

Kaidan is just staring at Cullen still with wide eyes, as if he’s unable to believe what is going on in front of him.

Cullen takes a small comfort in that, since he can’t exactly believe this either. He had read everything wrong.

He turns back to Maria and clears his throat, “Then let me get out of the way! Nice to meet you Dr. Santos.” Another look at Kaidan, who just still has not moved, “Major, I’ll see you back on the Normandy.”

He nods, walks away from the table, and heads back towards the stairs and the elevator.

As much as he wants to, he doesn’t look back at Kaidan and his ex-girlfriend. He kicks himself a bit, telling himself that he’s a damn fool. He wonders, if he goes to the bar at Purgatory, will Cassandra magically appear and give him an offer to get him away from yet another awkward part of his life? Or would she be more likely to poof into existence at Dark Star?

It also bothers him, the feeling that he has.

He knows what it is: it is jealousy. Jealousy is the one emotion that Cullen has _always_ hated and hated it the most when it came up.

Deep breath in, deep breath out, as he waits for the elevator doors to open. They do, and a few people step out. Cullen nods a hello to them as he waits, and gets in. He pushes the button for the lower wards – Dark Star is the winner.

But before the doors shut completely, a hand shoots out to stop them. Cullen watches with a bit of a shocked expression as Kaidan gets into the elevator.

Kaidan just stares at Cullen, with a look that Cullen isn’t quite sure of.

And suddenly Kaidan crosses the very short distance, shoves Cullen against the elevator wall, and crashes his lips hard into Cullen’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...about that slow burn i promised... _ahem_.


	23. Chapter 23

Cullen feels his back slammed against the elevator wall, and if it hurts, he doesn’t _care_.

Kaidan’s kiss is rough and impatient, eager to go deeper, and Cullen’s lips part as they taste each other, pulling sounds from each other that should be illegal to make in a public place. Kaidan tugs a little on Cullen’s lower lip, and Cullen groans out, but the sound is swallowed by the kiss.

Kaidan’s hands are on him, his body pressed tight against his, hands roaming the sides of his shirt moving towards the hem. Cullen roughly moves his fingers through Kaidan’s hair, his fingers twist and pull slightly and the motion elicits a moan out of Kaidan that Cullen desperately wants to hear again.

But it also pulls him out of the moment enough that he remembers.

“Wait,” He says, roughly parting the kiss and pushing Kaidan back to create some distance, “ _wait_ ,” he repeats, trying to regain any sort of dignity but considering he thinks he looks ruined, there isn’t much to save.

Kaidan’s cheeks are flushed, his perfect hair is disheveled thanks to Cullen’s fingers, and his lips are swollen. He looks as wrecked as Cullen _feels_ and Maker if that isn’t the most beautiful thing. 

“Kaidan, you’re not getting back with that woman?”

He watches Kaidan as he reacts. The biotic’s reaction is to actually laugh and shake his head as if he’s in disbelief. “No! Why on Earth would I want her?”

The elevator is still going down, and Cullen is trying desperately to keep a clear head, and not just grab Kaidan and kiss him again. He swallows hard. “She seemed pretty interested in getting back with you.”

“So? We were on and off for two years, _two years ago_. I have no interest in her.” Kaidan moves back over to Cullen.

Cullen furrows his eyebrows, “I was late, I know, but you seemed pretty into the conversation when I got there.”

“Wait,” Kaidan blinks, “Are you _jealous_?”

“Whether or not I am jealous is not the topic of—” He doesn’t get to finish, and the elevator doors open on the 30th floor, and two people get on. Cullen and Kaidan take the back of the elevator and let the new folks in front of them take the area by the doors.

Kaidan moves close to Cullen against the elevator wall, purposefully touching his arm with his, and smirks.

Cullen just keeps looking forward at the doors and watches the numbers tick down. The doors to the 29th floor open, and the couple in front of them do not move.

Kaidan, though, grabs Cullen’s hand and drags him out of the elevator, apologizing to the couple for pushing past them as they exit.

“This isn’t the floor I was looking for, Alenko,” Cullen says, but there is no heat behind it.

“Don’t care. Come with me,” Kaidan replies, as he heads towards an apartment building. “I have an apartment here.”

“You have an apartment in the Zakera Wards?”

“Yes?”

“Not…sure why I thought that was weird,” Cullen admits, as he follows silently there after behind Kaidan. Keeping his feelings in check is getting harder with each passing moment, his eyes scanning Kaidan from behind as the other man walks confidently in front of him. As if they hadn’t just been essentially making out in an elevator.

Maker, what was his life?

They go through the main door to the apartment building and walk across a skybridge to the apartments proper and walk up one flight of stairs before they reach Kaidan’s apartment. He opens the door, lets Cullen in first and follows quickly after.

It’s a decent sized apartment, mostly bare and not really lived in. There’s enough furniture for entertaining guests, a small kitchen and table to the side.

Kaidan locks the apartment door behind them, and Cullen turns to face him. Kaidan laughs, “So, I believe we were talking about how you were jealous of my ex.”

Cullen immediately blushes hard and clears his throat, pacing away from Kaidan, “I was not jealous!”

“I just can’t believe you didn’t notice.”

“Notice what, exactly?”

Kaidan laughs, “Cullen, she looks like you. The blond curly hair?”

Cullen stops pacing, and shoots a look at Kaidan, “Having the same hair doesn’t mean she looks like me.”

“It was enough for me when I was trying to get over you,” Kaidan shrugged, speaking as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Kaidan sighs, and walks over to the kitchen, where he pulls out two glasses and a bottle of T-88 Peruvian Whiskey. He looks up to Cullen as he opens the bottle, making a show of what it was, before pouring the two glasses.

Sighing, Cullen takes the bait and walks over to the kitchen to take the glass from Kaidan’s hands. Their fingers linger in the transference, but this time Cullen doesn’t bashfully move away. He stands where he is and lifts the glass to his lips and takes a drink. “You don’t have to explain your dating choices to me, Kaidan. It was foolish of me to…”

“Be jealous of someone who doesn’t come close to you?”

“Sure. We can say that.”

Kaidan drinks and rolls his eyes towards Cullen. “I spent a long time trying to get over you. I couldn’t. Maria tried to help me though, in her own way. But she wasn’t you. Then I saw you on Horizon and everything just…I couldn’t pretend with her, and I broke it off. She didn’t really take it well.”

Shifting where he was standing, Cullen stands a little straighter. He swallows the whiskey, focusing on the burn as it moves down his throat, and pushes his heart down. “What did you tell her?”

“That I was in love with someone, and it wasn’t her,” Kaidan shrugs, and he walks past Cullen towards one of his couches.

Cullen just stares after Kaidan with his jaw practically on the floor. “Wait, what?”

“So, she didn’t take it well,” Kaidan continued, settling into his couch, continuing speaking as if he didn’t just drop a huge bomb on Cullen. Completely bewildered, Cullen followed him. “I mean, Maria was a nice woman,” Kaidan shrugged, “Personality wise, she reminded me a bit of Ash. But it was never really going to work, I was kidding myself thinking that it could have. She’s been trying to get back together with me since she saw me get promoted to Spectre.”

Cullen fidgeted in his spot next to Kaidan. He took a drink from his glass and set it down on the coffee table before he shrugged himself out of his leather jacket. Everything just felt warm, and the jacket felt restricting. As he moved the jacket off, he caught Kaidan watching him closely, almost with a hunger in his eyes. Cullen took a deep breath in, as he tried to keep his head above water. “Well. Sorry I misunderstood what was going on there…”

“I had told her I was meeting you and that you were running late,” Kaidan laughed, “We were actually arguing before you got there, she spotted you before I did – she immediately started hitting on me, and that was how I knew you were around. Also, 20 minutes, Cullen? You could have messaged me,” He teased.

Cullen tried to say something, and then stopped. He cleared his throat, “People just kept pulling me away, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, I was teasing you. I’ve waited years. I can wait 20 minutes.” Kaidan says softly, and he sets his drink down next Cullen’s. He faces him and reaches over to Cullen’s hand.

Where there had been hesitation in this movement before, there wasn’t now, as they reached for each other and let their fingers entwine. Kaidan moved his thumb along Cullen’s palm, and Cullen found himself amazed that a simple touch was slowly setting him on fire again like he had felt in the elevator.

“You’ve never known me to be with anyone, have you?” Cullen asks, and though Kaidan looks at him with curiosity, he shakes his head no.

“I don’t think anyone has, really.”

“Well, I’ve _tried_ to be with someone before. A few people, actually. Just not… _here_ ,” He gestured with his other hand, and Kaidan nodded. “I mean, I’m not a prude by any means,” He laughed, and caught as Kaidan grinned.

“Thank god for that,” Kaidan was quick to add, and Cullen rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, _shut up_ ,” Cullen chuckled, before he tried to continue. “But each time I tried relationships with someone, it was always to try to fill that hole in me that I couldn’t get rid of, a hurt. It always followed me around, just an emptiness. It took me a long time to call it by its name of loneliness. And then, it shifted into something else a few years ago, and it wasn’t until recently that I knew it as longing.”

Kaidan shifted closer on the couch, his hand sliding away from Cullen’s. “And…now?”

“Now, I…” Cullen said quietly, his eyes darting to Kaidan’s lips for a moment before bringing his eyes back up, “Now I don’t have a word for it.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need a word,” Kaidan offered. “Cullen, sometimes it takes the end of the universe to get you to realize what chances you finally have.” Cullen swallowed hard but found he couldn’t speak. “And,” Kaidan continued, “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, but I don’t want to give up this chance we have. We talked about _someday_ and—”

It became too much for him to hold back anymore, and Cullen quickly closed the noticeably short distance between them and kissed Kaidan. He could tell he surprised Kaidan at first, and despite the kiss in the elevator, Cullen started to pull away. “I’m sorry, that—”

“Cullen?”

“Yeah?”

“ _Shut up,_ ” Kaidan grinned, as he kissed Cullen again.

It was uncoordinated, and it was messy. It was soft, and it was sweet. It was slow to start, but there was a passion building, threatening to bubble over. He wanted that. He _wanted_ to get lost in this, in Kaidan.

He ran his hand through Kaidan’s hair, he pulled him closer into him, wanting the contact of his body on him. To feel that closeness that he had always chased blindly but never really got.

Kaidan’s moan was lost into Cullen’s mouth, both pulling the other, getting impatient with the growing need. Kissing until there was no air and kissing longer still until Cullen’s lungs started to burn with the reminder that he was _alive_.

And he was, wasn’t he. For the first time in a long time.

The kiss broke roughly, both of their chests rising and falling with the demand of catching their breaths, both their pupils blown, their cheeks red, their lips kiss-swollen.

Then Kaidan stood up and held out his hand for Cullen to take.

An invitation to something _more_ , and Cullen doesn’t hesitate.

He takes Kaidan’s hand, rises off the couch, and allows himself to be brought to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know your thoughts! <3 the next chapter is a little out of my comfort zone (dun dun dun) but i hope you enjoy! see you soon :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _eyebrow wiggle_. note the rating stayed the same (and will remain as M). enjoy!

Cullen remembers his first time, and he wasn’t nervous. It was something to just get through and move on. It hadn’t meant anything, it had felt _fine_ but there was no passion, no urgency, nothing that he had been told it would be.

Every time after that was the same. The partners changed, the feeling did not. Something didn’t feel right, something didn’t quite click. Years and years, it was always the same. Something missing.

_This_ is different.

_This_ is new.

_This_ is what was missing.

There isn’t a sense of urgency as they make their way into Kaidan’s bedroom; Cullen thinks that maybe, that’s for the best. They don’t have all the time in the universe, but they have all the time _right now_ and he doesn’t want to forget this.

They don’t bother to shut the door behind them, because it’s only them. It’s quiet in the bedroom, with only the hum of the lights above them.

Kaidan lets go of his hand, and runs his fingers down Cullen’s sides, as his fingers find the hem of Cullen’s t-shirt. He looks to Cullen, eyes asking for permission and Cullen already feels so wrecked that he just nods because words do not and will not work.

But maybe words aren’t needed.

Kaidan pulls the cotton fabric over Cullen’s head and drops it unceremoniously to the ground, as he runs his fingers down Cullen’s chest. He explores the scars that he doesn’t know, and the scars that he does; he avoids touching the one from his side that is still fresh, still healing.

Every small touch feels like Cullen’s skin is on fire. His breath hitches, as Kaidan leans forward and kisses Cullen’s neck, and then kisses his shoulder.

Cullen’s own hands are eager, he tugs impatiently at Kaidan’s own shirt, and the biotic breaks away for a moment to take it off and discard it on the floor, forgotten as his focus goes completely back to Cullen. He peppers kisses down Cullen’s chest and up again, his fingers trailing down his abs to the belt of his pants.

They kiss a little rougher and urgent this time, and Cullen walks Kaidan back until his knees hit the bed and the two of them topple down into it. They laugh as the impact breaks the kiss, breaks the concentration, and they both make short work of their own pants until there isn’t much left of clothing between them.

Kaidan pushes Cullen so his back is to the mattress, and Kaidan is above him, whispering in his ear that “you’re so fucking beautiful,” and his voice is so rough and dark that Cullen almost thinks he can be ruined by Kaidan’s voice alone.

But then Kaidan starts to kiss his way down Cullen’s chest, and his hands grip into Cullen’s waist as he takes Cullen into his mouth. Cullen gasps which turns into a moan and it hits him just how touch-starved he is, that he’s already at the brink of coming undone. His hand goes to Kaidan’s hair, and he tugs slightly, which causes Kaidan to moan around him and Cullen swears at how damned good it feels.

Then he looks down at Kaidan, who is looking up at Cullen, and it’s so beautiful that he goes then, crying out.

He feels Kaidan move off him, shifting back up to him, kissing his way back up, and Cullen feels so Maker-forsaken wrecked. And then he _looks_ at Kaidan and kisses him roughly. There’s no hesitation, there’s nothing holding him back. There is only passion and desire and wanting to be nowhere else but here.

Kaidan wraps himself around Cullen, and Cullen’s hand moves between them to stroke Kaidan, and he just wants to hear these sounds forever. He just wants to never leave this room, never leave this apartment, if it means he can live in this moment.

This is what he’s been missing. This overwhelming feeling of passion. He doesn’t even know what he wants anymore, he just _wants_ , and okay he knows he wants Kaidan, but anything else he’s unsure of. He wants. He _needs_ , and he takes pleasure in pulling the gasps and moans out of Kaidan so erotic that it should be illegal.

Kaidan is close, he’s wrecked, and Cullen feels his hand on him, and he didn’t realize he was hard again until Kaidan touches him once more. It’s what he wants. Kaidan is what he needs. And the second time he’s closer to the brink, and they come together, moaning against each other’s lips and kissing each other through the feeling. 

Eventually they move off the bed and opt to shower together to clean off. Which only leads to them lazily making out, making no attempt at getting clean. Exploring each other’s bodies is more important, Cullen pushing Kaidan up against the shower wall is more important, Kaidan screaming his name is more important.

Their skin is pruned, but they’re dried off, and back in the bedroom.

This time, they make it under the sheets. Cullen is laying on his back, and Kaidan is on his stomach near him, tracing the scars on Cullen’s chest again. Cullen’s fingers are messing with Kaidan’s damp hair, and the touch brings a soft smile to Kaidan’s face.

He turns, looking up at Cullen, “Are you still jealous?”

The question seems so strange, that it doesn’t register at first. “What?” Then when it registers, Cullen laughs, “Oh. You’re an ass.”

Kaidan just makes a thoughtful sound, “You seem to like my ass,” and Cullen makes a strangled and aroused sound that just causes Kaidan to kiss him again.

Cullen wraps his arms tightly around Kaidan and doesn’t want to let him go. Kaidan seems fine with this, and rests his face against Cullen’s neck, his leg over Cullen’s. They’re quiet for a moment, as Cullen just listens to the sounds around them.

“Was this what you imagined?” Cullen asks, and Kaidan laughs as he lifts his head.

“Oh, you’re cocky enough to think I imagined this?”

“No, I’m optimistic enough since I imagined this, that maybe you did too.”

Kaidan raises an eyebrow, and Cullen smirks. “What?”

The other man shakes his head, and he doesn’t get a chance to say anything before Cullen kisses him. When the kiss parts, Kaidan mutters, “I could get use to this. _Please_ let me get used to this.”

It sounds like begging almost, that Kaidan is just as scared of losing this as Cullen is, and it causes him to hold him tighter. “This was what I was missing,” Cullen says, his voice barely over a whisper, “Kaidan, _you_ are what I was missing. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Cullen, I…”

“I know,” He says, running a hand down Kaidan’s back. “You said.”

“In a way.”

“In a way,” Cullen repeats.

They shift under the sheets to a more comfortable sleeping position, Kaidan curled up behind Cullen, his lips to Cullen’s shoulder blade. His arm wraps around Cullen’s chest, and Cullen rests his hand over Kaidan’s.

He closes his eyes, sighing softly at how safe he feels.

He falls asleep, and instead of nightmares, he _dreams_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _finally_ , right? 
> 
> i may be slowing down to two updates a week rather than every other day, but i'll still be updating regularly! if i end up doing a set schedule, i will let you all know <3 thank you as always for reading! i love seeing comments and kudos so please let me know your thoughts!


	25. Chapter 25

If Cullen had his way, he would have stayed in that apartment forever. Kaidan felt the same, and neither of them wanted to leave to go back to their lives outside of that building.

But the galaxy was calling once more, shore leave couldn’t last forever, and the sooner the war was over, the sooner they could enjoy all the time in the world.

Of course, they didn’t help each other any when they spent way too long at the door trying to find the reason to leave.

When Cullen jokes that his bed is much bigger on the Normandy, _that_ gets Kaidan moving.

The Normandy travels to the Quarian fleet, and the trip there is made up of Cullen continuously catching up on reports from Earth, and patching into conversations with Anderson and Hackett for more confidential updates they don’t want to put in writing.

Anderson says they’re holding tight and taking out patches of Reaper forces where they can. Hackett informs them that the Crucible is still being built, but they need more resources. Cullen tells them he’s on the way to get the Quarian support – but he’s getting reports they’re fighting with the Geth.

“End of the goddamned universe, and they want to fight them _now_?” Anderson rolls his eyes.

Cullen shrugs, “End of the universe has a way of telling you what chances you have left,” and when he says it he just thinks back to the apartment with Kaidan. “I don’t blame them.”

“Whatever it is they’re doing, make sure they side with us, Commander. We need the fleet.” It’s not quite an order from Hackett, because the Admiral understands he can’t quite do that, but Cullen nods respectfully all the same. “And Cullen. I’ve reviewed a report from Chakwas. How are you feeling after your injury?”

“Injury?” Anderson asks, and Cullen sighs at the worry in the man’s voice.

“Got stabbed by a Cerberus Phantom. Got stitches, I’ll be fine.”

“Good, we can’t have you taken out like that.”

“Don’t worry,” Cullen laughs, “I won’t let it happen again.”

Anderson laughs, “Yeah, sure, son.” He disconnects from the feed, and Cullen expects Hackett to do the same but he remains.

“Glad to hear you’ll be alright, but I also want to know about your mental state, Commander.”

Cullen clears his throat and stands a bit straighter as his hands go behind his back. “My mental state is fine, Admiral.”

“Then why was I getting notified that someone has been accessing Alliance intel on Thedas?”

Though surprised at the question, Cullen doesn’t show it. “Sir, with all due respect, do I not deserve the right to know what happened to my home planet?”

“You do, but I expected you to come and request it personally, not have the Shadow Broker’s AI research it.” Hackett sighs, and shakes his head. “Get me that Quarian fleet, and you’ll get the information. Every damn piece of it that we have.”

He doesn’t like the tone, but he nods. “Yes sir.”

“Hackett, out.”

The feed cuts and Cullen’s eye narrow as he glares at the spot where Hackett’s vid form had once been. He doesn’t appreciate the power play, but if it gets him what he needs…

Frustratedly, he runs a hand through his hair and exits out back into the War Room. He’ll worry about potential consequences of that conversation and his actions at a later time.

It’s good seeing Tali again, but he wishes it was under better circumstances. In front of the other Admirals, they’re all business. But in the small moment they have before getting onto the Geth Dreadnought, Cullen calls Tali up to his quarters.

Once she’s there, they greet each other professionally but then start laughing. “Keelah, how strange is this?” Tali laughs and taps her fingers on the top of her head. “I never thought I’d be an Admiral.”

“But you deserve it, Tali,” Cullen says with a smile, “I can’t think of anyone else more deserving.”

His tone is light, and this seems to cause Tali to turn around and tilt her head to the side, considering him for a moment. “Hmm.” She tones, and he raises an eyebrow.

“Hmm?” He replies, “What?”

“There’s something…different. Something… _wait_.” Tali steps forward, and her Omni-Tool flares up, and she scans him. He starts to question what she is doing but remembers.

_She catches him in the cargo bay of the Normandy, pacing there because the space in his Quarters is too small. “If you keep doing that, you’re going to set a hole in the floor that Joker won’t shut up about,” Tali teases, “Please don’t give Joker ammo?”_

_Cullen stops pacing and turns to see Tali walking towards him. “How did you—”_

_“I can see the cargo bay from that window,” She points up to the engineering floor, “Thought you might want the company,” She gets out her Omni-Tool, and she scans him once over. Though she has the mask on, Cullen thinks he hears her smile. “Cullen.”_

_Tali was one of the only others from the original Normandy crew that knew Shepard was far different at night. She was also the only one smart enough to develop a program to notice the changes in his behavior by a simple scan. Considering only Tali and Garrus were with him now for the run on the Collectors, it was only a matter of time she figured the rest of it out._

_He was relieved to have someone to talk to, to confide in about everything. She was as well. “Hi Tali.”_

_She hugs him and he smiles. “You know,” She says, “I wish this was who was around all the time.”_

_“Yeah,” Cullen shrugs. “Maybe someday.”_

“Cullen!” Tali exclaims when the scans confirm it for her, and she wraps her arms around him tightly in a hug. He’s more than happy to hug her back, but winces slightly as her hand brushes against his stitches. Still not 100% healed but healed enough that it would have to do. She makes a face, and he looks embarrassed in response.

“Don’t worry about it, nothing Medi-Gel won’t heal. You know,” He says as he leans against the wall, “Garrus is _very_ happy that you’re on the ship right now.” Cullen raises an eyebrow and wiggles it, and Tali waves him off as she walks around the Cabin.

“I will talk to Garrus later, I am more curious about how _you’re_ fully here?”

“It’s a long story, but I can give you the short of it,” He replies. He spends the time to tell her what happened and get her up to speed. She asks the questions when she needs to, but at the end of it, he’s relieved. He doesn’t like keeping everything a secret, and he prefers to have those he trusts on his side.

“But let me guess, everyone else is clueless?” She asks, her hand on her hip, as she laughs, “Is Garrus still thinking it’s a weird ‘human’ thing to have a different personality?”

Cullen chuckles, “Him and I don’t really talk about it. Talk about everything else other than that, honestly. You know how he can be.”

“Noticing everything other than what’s right in front of him?” Tali replies, and sighs, “Yes, I am _very_ aware of that.”

“He’ll come around. Trust me, Tali, he hasn’t shut up about you being back on the ship. You should go see him.”

“I will. Maybe?” Tali shrugs, and sighs, “Once all of this stuff is over. You’ll come with me, right? To the dreadnought?”

“Of course, did you really think I’d let you have all the fun without me?” Cullen chuckles.

“I’ll see you down there, Commander,” She nods, and heads out.

The doors shut and Cullen smirks as he pulls up his comms. “Garrus?”

There is a crackle before Garrus’ voice comes through. “Yeah?”

“Meet us in the cargo bay, we’re taking a dreadnought.”


	26. Chapter 26

For all the years that he had lived on Thedas, he had always looked up to the stars.

When he was a young boy, he would spend as much time outside when he could. Even when it rained. _Especially_ when it rained. He loved watching the sky light up with the stars. When there were storms, he always found them strangely calming. Under his favorite tree, he’d watch the world go from day to night. He wondered what the stars were like up close, and wondered that if he held his hand out, could he be able to touch them? If there was a world beyond the stars, he wanted to know it. As a young boy, he always _thought_ he had known it, but could never place why.

Mia would join him sometimes outside under the tree, both of them sneaking outside when they weren’t supposed to, to try to guess what the stars meant. She’d claim that the stars were spirits, but he always said she was lying. He never thought the stars in the sky were anything more than he thought they were – a guiding light.

She always teased him about it, but never told him to stop believing.

When he was a young man, he had found himself caught up in the trials and tribulations of growing up and desperate to find a path to walk. He had joined the Templars as soon as he could, but not as soon as most – he was considerably older than the other recruits, and he struggled. He was teased. But in the quiet moments by himself, when everyone was asleep, he’d look up to the ceiling from his bedroll and imagine he could see the stars. He tried to find the calm before the storm, the calm _within_ the storm.

When his family fled from the Blight, and he lost his parents, all he did was stare at the sky. Waiting for something, some sort of sign. Something that would tell him the world would be alright, that _he_ would be alright. Kinloch Hold did not prove to be that sign, and when he thought he could fight through it, it got worse. He didn’t see the stars for weeks, for months. When he finally did, it was to leave.

He hadn’t thought to write to Mia to let her know where he was. He got an annoyed letter when he arrived at his next location.

When he was in Kirkwall, the stars held onto the last breadth of sanity that he felt he had left. When the worst was happening around him, a look up at the night sky would help comfort him. He told himself that there was a better life out there, and if it was beyond the stars, he would find it one day. When his nightmares got too much, when his PTSD made it so he couldn’t breathe, the stars would provide. He would never admit that the stars provided more than Andraste and the Maker. It felt too blasphemous to even think, let alone say out loud.

There was no path in Kirkwall, despite how hard he tried, despite how much he wished he could have made it better. Corruption had run deep, and what he had thought was his dream life was turning more and more into a nightmare. When he left with Cassandra in the middle of the night, the stars lit the way so brightly that even Cassandra commented on how unusual it was.

When he was in Haven, he would do the night patrols. Leilana always told him to let his recruits do it, but he always claimed it was easier for him to do it. He didn’t sleep at night, and then pretty soon he wasn’t sleeping at all, wandering aimlessly around trying to find purpose – like half of him had left to find some greater purpose somewhere else.

And Skyhold, he spent his days in half of a haze, wishing he could see the stars through the bright sunlight. The longing to see the stars, to feel connected to _something_ had never been greater until then, and the longer the feeling goes, the more he knows he doesn’t belong there.

He tells himself he’ll see it through. He’ll carry out his duty to the Inquisition, but then he’ll leave. Find what he’s missing. Try to feel whole again. Try to feel anything other than uncertain, unable to breath, unable to see the stars.

But things changed.

And now, as he steps out of the Normandy and onto the docking tub of the Geth Dreadnought, he is surrounded by the calm silence and nothing but stars. Bright stars, the darkness of space, and the beauty he never thought was even possible to be so close to. The longing to see the stars is replaced with the appreciation of them, to fly among them, to now _walk_ among them like he is meant to be there.

His place is here, in this world, in this galaxy, among friends, among those he cares for, where he can _always_ see the stars.

It’s a moment that hits him so suddenly that he inhales deeply to keep himself moving forward and not to float away in the vast wide space around him.

Has he ever felt like this before? Has there ever been a time where he felt comfortable in his own skin?

No.

Not until now.

He wishes Mia were here to see this. She would have loved this; she would have loved to see where he was now. Who he was. He misses her. He wishes he could speak to her one last time.

Instead, he comms in to the next thing to a sister that he has.

“Tali, you have to see this view,” He says, his voice filled with awe and amazement.

“Better than a vid?”

“Much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Just a heads up that updates will slow a bit - not because I don't have things written (I do! I'm 15 chapters ahead!) but that I am actually in the process of trying to move and that's taking some energy. So just be aware that updates are coming, they'll just be a little slow. 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading!!


	27. Chapter 27

“Legion, please tell me you’re not leading me into a trap.”

“Correct. Shepard-Commander, we would not betray you. We wish to have your help.”

“Then let’s get this done with.”

Taking the Geth Dreadnought hadn’t stopped the war of the Quarians and Geth as Cullen had hoped. In fact, it had only led to more problems, but problems both Tali and Legion were eager to resolve.

To see Tali so happy to see Legion, to have Garrus tell the Geth he was also glad he was okay, was something Cullen never thought he’d see.

Had there been this camaraderie in the Inquisition? He hadn’t been privy to it if there had been. He had always been on the outside looking in, even with his role as Advisor and Commander.

But there wasn’t much time, if they were going to help the Quarians take their home world back. Legion needed help shutting down the server, and Admiral Koris had crash-landed on Rannoch.

Tali, Garrus, and Kaidan went to Rannoch to rescue the Admiral, and Cullen went alone with Legion to the Geth Server.

Going alone was a risky move, but not doing this when there was no time left was even riskier. It was easier to split up; they had the crew that could do the tasks they needed, and the sooner things were done, the sooner they could help.

Legion was determined to have Cullen help, and Cullen wasn’t one to say no.

But now, inside the server, Cullen was second guessing his decision.

The ways of the server were explained, and Cullen follows the instructions Legion provides. Halt the corruption, allow for data download, learn about the Geth history. Rinse and repeat, over and over, until everything is preserved that needs to be, and the corruption is removed.

It’s puzzles and history, and this is something Cullen knows he can handle.

But it’s the last data memory they come across that he’s not at all prepared for.

“Legion…is that us?”

“Yes,” Legion replied, resuming the final data download.

_Shepard approached the AI Core and stared at the Geth. It hadn’t mattered that it was wearing his armor. It hadn’t mattered that it was trying to help while they were fighting inside the derelict Reaper. A Geth was the enemy, and the enemy needed to be killed._

_There was no compassion as he stayed behind the force field and stared at the Geth._

_“Shepard, what do you wish to do?” EDI’s voice chimed in, and there was no emotional reaction from Shepard. Barely registering he had even_ heard _EDI._

_“Leave it for now. We’ll destroy it for junk scraps later.” He left the AI Core as quickly as he had entered it._

Cullen swallowed hard as the memory playback ended, and he cleared his throat. “Legion, I don’t…I hope you don’t take offense to how Shepard—I mean how I had originally treated you.”

“We do not feel emotions as organics do. But that was not the significant moment. The final one is.”

“Final one?”

“Yes.”

_Much later, the doors to the AI Core opened again. The man who walked in looked like Shepard but acted very differently._

_“EDI?” His voice was cautious, questioning._

_“Yes, Cullen?”_

_The use of his first name. Recognition of the shift. His shoulders flinched slightly at hearing his voice. “Wake it up.”_

_“Are you certain? Shepard did not wish to do so.”_

_“Yes. No creature gets to be discarded, not like this. It helped us.”_

_“What should I say to Shepard if he inquires to what happened?”_

_“Tell him that he requested it. Mix the sound and play it back so it sounds familiar to him. He’s blacking out as much as I am.”_

_“You are the same,” EDI tried to continue, and Cullen sighed._

_“Just wake it up. We don’t have much time.”_

_The Geth woke up and introductions were made. The force field was dropped, and a name was decided on. Legion._

_Without hesitation then, Cullen held out his hand for Legion to shake._

The data playback finished, and Cullen turned to Legion. Legion finished its download and looked to Cullen. “You decided to become allies, the first to try to do that with our kind. You are unique in that gesture.”

“I hope many will follow,” Cullen sighed, but held back any other reaction he had. To see how he had been as Shepard was jarring, and it didn’t make any sense. To be such a different person – he wondered how he was seen at night in Thedas, when he would apparently be transported here. He still hadn’t worked out _how_ he had been transported then, or even now. Some things remained out of his reach.

The more they stayed out of his reach, the more frustrated he was becoming. He had to focus, on the war, on what he needed to fight for.

But as always, moments seemed to come back and smack him in the face when he didn’t want them to.

“You must exit the server. I will open the gateway for you.”

The trip back to the server exit was quick, and soon Cullen was opening his eyes on the other side. But it wasn’t easy, seeing that. A memory lost that was a memory returned, just not in the way he had been expecting. He wasn’t sure which way was worse.

“Did it work?” Cullen asks as he steps out of the pod, to see Geth Primes walking towards him.

But he does not flinch, he does not reach for his gun.

“These platforms wish to join our cause, Shepard-Commander.”

The Geth Prime stand and salute. Cullen chuckles.

“Good.”

And he thinks to himself as he leaves for the shuttle back to the Normandy, that he is never going to be used to Geth speaking to him and saluting him. Then again, he’s never gotten used to anyone saluting him.

Hell, half of him still isn’t used to robots being a real thing. Or electricity, for that matter.

Back on the Normandy, the other ground party is waiting. Successful mission, Tali says, and now it is time for the final preparations.

To take back Tali’s home world. She will see it again, she will step foot on it again, she will get it back.

He knows he won’t see Thedas again but cannot help but feel slightly jealous that Tali gets this moment. But the jealousy very quickly disappears to pride and happiness for those he calls family now.

If he can’t get his home world back, he will get hers back.


	28. Chapter 28

The sun is setting over the Rannoch horizon, and at the last shot, the Reaper that had been preparing to blast Cullen at point blank goes down. The Reaper stumbles back and falls to the ground, but Cullen doesn’t want to get stuck in the aftershock of the impact.

He runs and jumps up to climb the rocks behind him.

He looks up to see two hands extended, one from Garrus, and one from Tali. He leans back and then shoves himself up and uses the momentum to grab their hands, and together all three of them make it so Cullen can get to the top.

It’s when Cullen has reached the top, and he drops his hands from Garrus and Tali, he notices the two of them still holding onto each other. He smirks, looking at their hands and then looking back at them and immediately Garrus breaks away muttering something, and Tali laughs.

Cullen’s smirk turns into a grin.

He rubs off the dirt off his kneepads and walks down the rockside where Legion is staring at the Reaper. Its taunting them all, telling them that they won’t win, but Cullen just laughs. He knows this is where _Shepard_ would say some speech to the Reaper, but Cullen doesn’t see the point.

They’re going to win. Full stop. There is no other option.

He’s distracted as he looks over the horizon that he almost doesn’t hear Tali and Legion arguing.

“Legion, you cannot do this!”

“Creator Zorah, we must.”

Cullen runs over, “What is going on?”

He’s brought up to speed quickly and he’s not about to lose more people to this war. “Legion, keep going.” Tali starts to protest but he shakes his head, “Trust me, Tali. Please.” He gets back on his comm, channeling into the fleet, telling them to stand down. That he’s been to their homeworld, that they deserve that chance. That they need to realize that somethings are bigger than themselves, and the Geth want to live just as they do.

Tali confirms that he’s speaking with her authority, and the fleet stands down.

Cullen had told himself that he would not lose another ally in this war, but that promise is broken when Legion uploads himself. He feels the conflicting emotions form over him as Legion and Tali speak, and then Legion is turned off.

The fleet is landing, the Geth and Quarians are discussing colony locations, and Cullen steps towards the edge of the cliff. He stares out at the horizon, the sun still setting. The bright gold colors, shining. He closes his eyes.

_“Leilana. Really. Is this necessary?” He scoffs as he looks at the helmet in front of him._

_“Cullen do not dare insult Josie! She spent time finding this for you!”_

_“It’s…” He picks up the gold helmet, holding the lion in his hand._

_“Our Commander needs to be feared,” Leilana notes impatiently, and Cullen shakes his head._

_“Respect is better than fear. I would rather my enemy respect the fight.”_

_“You want the enemy to respect you?”_

_“You can gain a lot from that point of view.”_

_Josephine clears her throat as she enters the room. “Lions are considered representative of wisdom, courage, and strength, among other things. I felt all of those accurately described you.” She walks to the table and stands with her hands on her hips. “Was I incorrect of my assessment?”_

_Cullen clears his throat and looks, surprised, from Josephine back to the helmet in his hands. “I would hardly use those words to describe me, Ambassador.”_

_“Call me Josie! Please. And it is because you do not see yourself that way, that this is perfect for you.” She says with a smile._

_Leilana steps forward and puts a hand on Cullen’s shoulder, “This is how_ we _see you, Cullen. Now hush and put it on for us!”_

_He laughs, “Absolutely not,” and Leilana grins expecting his reaction. “Thank you. Both. But may I make a request?”_

_“Of course!”_

_“I design the rest of my armor, no protesting.”_

_Leilana throws her hands up in mock annoyance, “Ugh, fine.” Josephine laughs._

He opens his eyes slowly, and sighs. Tali appears to his left, and she greets him. “Cullen.”

“Tali.”

She sighs as she sits down on the rock and he joins her. She picks at the little pebbles around them, and she feels the ground with her hand. “This doesn’t seem real.” Her voice is of wonder, of awe, and he can hear she’s getting emotional about it. She laughs, “I never thought…”

“I know. But you’re here. This is now.” Cullen rests his arms on his knees and looks to her. “What’s next?”

“We’ll find places to settle. The Geth already requested to help us, which…is not something I expected. But, as always you seem to make the impossible happen.” Tali sighs and looks to him. A medium sized rock is in her hand, and she rocks it between her palms. “If you weren’t here, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Cullen shakes his head, “Tali, you know that you would have –”

“No, Cullen. I meant _you_ , if it were Shepard here instead of _you_ , this wouldn’t have ended as it has. Where he was ruthless and uncompromising, you are compassionate and empathetic. I don’t…believe all of us would have survived if he had been here.”

His eyes immediately look back out to the horizon, avoiding looking at her. He doesn’t say anything in response, because part of him knows she’s right – maybe the Quarians wouldn’t have survived. Maybe the Geth wouldn’t have. He doesn’t want to think of what might have happened.

“I’m going to join you on the Normandy, Cullen,” Tali calls for his attention again, and he furrows his brow.

“I wasn’t going to ask you. I figured you would want to stay here, to rebuild.”

Tali laughs, “Of course you would think that, but even though we got our home world back, millions are fighting for theirs. Until the Reapers are defeated…I belong with you on the Normandy.”

“And Garrus wouldn’t have anything to do with this decision?” He teases.

“Shut up, you bosh’tet,” She swats at his arm, and he laughs. “But I am serious. We’ll take back Earth.”

Cullen nods, but he doesn’t say anything.

He’s not thinking of Earth.

He’s thinking of the sunsets in Ferelden. He’s thinking of fishing on a pier in the rain. He’s thinking of the cold nights looking at the stars through the hole in his roof. He’s thinking of his family.

It might not be where he belongs anymore, but it hits him that he misses it.

“And once we take back Earth,” Tali continues, “We will help you find Thedas.”

Hearing Tali say that causes Cullen to inhale sharply, and he looks at Tali with wide eyes. He clears his throat, and nods.

There’s a moment of silence before she stands up and holds out her hand for him to get up. He takes it, and gets to his feet, letting go of her hand once he’s standing. In the distance, he sees the shuttle for the Normandy. In front of it, leaning against it, are Garrus and Kaidan talking.

As they get closer to the shuttle, Kaidan looks to Cullen, and smiles.

“Come on, boys,” Tali teases as she boards the shuttle, “We have a war to win.”

“Look at her, help take down one Reaper and she thinks she runs the show!” Kaidan teases as he boards.

“Do we tell her that this isn’t our first rodeo?” Garrus drawls, as him and Cullen hop in and the doors shut.

“Hey! I’m the one that almost got blasted in the _face_ by the damn thing!” Cullen protests.

He swears he can see Tali roll her eyes though her helmet, “Ugh, show off.”

The smile on his face stays as they ride back up to the Normandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were curious as to what Cullen would look like stepping onto the Mass Effect universe, I present you [this](https://i.imgur.com/pzP2K82.png) and [this](https://i.imgur.com/6OyfA7W.png)! Yep, this is how this story formed in my head, by lovely mods and my most recent playthrough of ME3! <3 Been wanting to share some of these screenshots for a while, so I'll share more as the story progresses! Enjoy Cullen looking fly as hell (with some bonus Scruffy!Kaidan. God I love mods.)
> 
> Tune in next time, where we start going more into the lore of the story -- and go more down the path of canon divergence! See you next time :)


	29. Chapter 29

The new message indicator is blinking rapidly on his personal terminal.

To the left of his terminal, is his lion helmet.

Cullen is pacing back and forth in front of his desk, not wanting to touch either one of the things in front of him.

The terminal may have more information on a place he isn’t even sure he wants to go back to. The helmet represents the man that he used to be and isn’t comfortable with.

He keeps making fists against his sides as he paces, and when his hands aren’t in fists, his fingers are twitching nervously against his thighs. He can feel every part of him is shaking, and when he can’t face the hypothetical music, he turns to leave his quarters.

The doors open, and Kaidan is standing there, with his hand up ready to knock.

“I think you’re the only one who bothers knocking, Kaidan,” Cullen says with a half smirk, trying to force himself into a better mood.

But Kaidan looks behind him to the desk and sees the helmet. He looks at Cullen, and he raises the hand that was behind his back. “Celebratory drinks, but I’m thinking you might need something else…” He comments as he pushes past Cullen into the room.

Cullen shakes his head and follows him back into the room, the doors sliding shut behind him once more.

Kaidan sets the bottle of whiskey down on the side of the desk, and he looks at the helmet. He then looks at the blinking message indicator and looks back to Cullen. “Something you’re avoiding?” His eyebrow raises, as he leans back against the desk and crosses his arms over his chest.

A heavy sigh escapes Cullen, as he lets his shoulders drop. He walks over to the desk and stands in front of Kaidan. “Sure, but do you really want to talk about that…” He asks, his lips curling up with a smirk, and he puts his hand to Kaidan’s waist.

The other man grins, “I know what you’re doing, I will have you know I am the king of deflecting.”

Cullen makes an annoyed sound, and Kaidan laughs. He leans forward and kisses Cullen quickly, and backs away so Cullen can’t respond fast enough. “Not fair.”

“Tell me what you’re avoiding, and then…” Kaidan is teasing him, Cullen knows this, but this is different than the ways past lovers had teased him before. There is heart under it. Kaidan still hovers close to Cullen.

Together, they both look at the helmet.

“You asked me about that,” Cullen finally says, heavy sigh escaping, “I know about it because it’s mine.”

Kaidan’s features pull in confusion and he looks to Cullen, then back to the helmet, “How is that yours?”

“It just is. I wore it back in Thedas. I used to act as if I hated the thing, I’d rather those who fought me to see my face. But it was needed sometimes, it had its uses.”

“Yeah, to prevent getting shot in the head,” Kaidan mutters.

“No one shoots a solid gold helmet. And you don’t wear those for protection, the metal isn’t strong enough. You wear it to make a statement.” With hesitation at first, Cullen finally picks it up and holds it between his hands. Kaidan rests his arm on Cullen’s shoulder. “Josie and Leilana made it for me. Josie said that since I didn’t see myself as the type to wear it, that it was perfect for me.”

“Meaning?”

“I didn’t see myself as courageous, as fearless, as wise. They did.” Cullen swallowed hard and set the helmet back down. “I don’t know how this got here. I don’t know why the Reapers were looking for it. I don’t…” He steps away for a moment and closes his eyes. He pinches the bridge of his nose. Kaidan is giving him the space that he wants, but he doesn’t know if he really wants it or if he’s just used to being left alone. Cullen slowly opens his eyes once more. “Every time I think that I’ve accepted that I belong _here_ instead of _there_ , something like this happens.”

When his eyes are fully open, he sees that Kaidan is staring at him. “You think you belong here?”

Cullen nods, with no hesitation. “I do.” He steps forward again and looks at his terminal. “But I have so many questions still. I didn’t have many friends in Thedas, but I had family. I want to know what happened to them.”

His eyes dart back to Kaidan from the terminal and the other man nods, understanding. “The other thing you’re avoiding.”

“Hackett said that once I could get him the Quarian fleet, he’d give me all the information on Thedas that exists.”

“Seems sort of shitty to put it that way.”

“I understood where he was coming from, despite how pissed I was at it.”

“Okay,” Kaidan nods, “But…”

Cullen shrugs, “But now I’m…” He swallows hard and tries to clear his throat. He rubs the back of his neck, and Kaidan steps closer and takes his other hand.

“Nervous. Okay, how about this. You open the bottle, and I’ll read the reports to you.” Cullen’s eyebrow raises, and Kaidan laughs. “Sure, reports aren’t sexy, but I can try. Besides, this is important to you, Cullen.”

His heart picks up speed as Cullen’s breath gets caught in his throat for the moment. Is this what full support means? For someone to fully have his back, no matter what? He’s so caught up in the gesture, as simple as it is, that he takes Kaidan’s face in his hands and kisses him.

Kaidan is surprised at first, but very quickly gives in – before he pushes away. “Come on, Cullen,” He laughs, “Let’s get this over with.” His voice goes a little lower, “Then…we can do anything you want.”

Cullen’s cheeks burn red, “I’ll hold you to that, Alenko.”

“I’m counting on it, Shepard,” he replies. “Now sit your ass down and let me read to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 1,000 hits! I am in shock that my little strange story has found so many people :) Thank you so much for reading!


	30. Chapter 30

Cullen takes the bottle of whiskey and he walks down the steps to the couch. He doesn’t bother pouring two glasses, he just takes the top off and takes a swig of the bottle.

Kaidan grabs a datapad and follows him to the couch, and hands it to Cullen. Cullen signs in with his credentials, and hands it back to Kaidan.

“Ready?” Kaidan asks, settling on the couch next to Cullen.

Cullen just inhales sharply, takes another swig from the bottle, and nods quietly.

Kaidan takes the bottle, takes a drink of his own. He takes a deep breath and starts in on the report. “January 15, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz. Our ship has crashed landed on our fourth trip to Thedas. When we crossed the atmosphere through the breach in the force field, there was immediate kickback that wasn’t there before. Systems got hit by the force field somehow, waves of green energy. We were lucky we made it planet side alive. Lt. A’Mare was the first to step outside and reported back that the breach in the force field was sealed.”

Cullen’s brows furrow, “January 15…wait, a breach?”

“Yeah, that’s what it says.”

“On 15 Wintermarch, we sealed the breach in the sky, is that…”

“Wintermarch?”

“Uh, January. Months are different in Thedas. But if they crash landed on the 15th of that month, that means…” Cullen’s voice trails off, “But wait, I was blacking out before we closed the…”

“Cullen?” Kaidan’s voice has a hint of concern, and Cullen shakes his head.

“Keep going.”

Kaidan nods and continues to read the rest of the report out to Cullen. 

_January 18, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_We've scouted along the forests and we've managed to find metals and materials to make the repairs needed, but our QEC devices are destroyed and we have no way of communicating with the rest of our fleet. Asari Command requested this final trip to gather what we need to preserve and research the culture here, but this seems like a lost cause if we're marooned on this planet. We've started to make trips further outside the crash zone. Locals are not looking at us strangely, so something may be masking our appearance. If we’re stuck here for a while, I’m going to make to most of researching this._

_January 28, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_We were approached by a group of humans today. Their attire is like that of very ancient human civilizations, but they speak perfectly. Two of the humans, female, both said they would do what they could to help us get off this planet. They actually said ‘get you back home’ but one of them said ‘beyond the stars’ quietly like it was a secret. Does someone on this planet understand there are more than just them out there?_

_February 1, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_One of the female humans came back today. She says her name is Mia, and that she knows who we are._

“Stop,” Cullen sits up straight, and looks at Kaidan, “Give me that.” Kaidan does without saying a word, and shifts closer to Cullen, reading over his shoulder.

Cullen’s eyes scan the report rapidly, going over the Captain’s description, and it matches his sister perfectly. The color of her hair, the two different colors of her eyes, the beauty mark on her cheek, the scar on her left shoulder. He inhales deep shaky breaths and taps his fingers on his datapad.

Kaidan’s presence is grounding him, keeping him tethered to him and the moment, and Cullen is thankful for the lifeline as he keeps reading.

_February 1, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_One of the female humans came back today. She says her name is Mia, and that she knows who we are. She won’t explain how but has given us some very valuable information to bring back to command. With her help, we should be out of here within a few months. I don’t care how she knows who we are, she’s the only one on the damn planet who is making any sense._

_February 28, 2185. Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_Everything thing is ready. We should be able to shoot through the force field, and head home. The readings on the planet are off the charts – there is no way this planet is going to survive longer than a year at the rate this energy reading is showing._

_The human is back, and the two of us got to talking. She says that she wants to come with us. I asked her why, doesn’t she have family here? She said that her brother would be following her shortly, that he’s only ‘half here anyway’, but she wouldn’t elaborate on what she meant. Said she’d be back in a month and asked if we’d wait for her._

_I agreed._

_March 30, 2185: Log of Captain Jo’anz._

_Today’s the day. We’re leaving this planet, and it seems at the right time too. Little force field tears are appearing everywhere, and it looks like things are getting worse. One of my Lieutenants observed it altering the time around it, objects would move slower and then rapidly before being sucked into the force field. Seems more like a blackhole grenade if you ask me, but more reason to get of this planet. The human is with us, still don’t know why she wants to leave, but she brought a bag of items ‘important’ to her. Who am I to judge?_

The reports from the Asari Captain end there, and Cullen looks at the datapad with wide eyes. He frantically tries to flip through to see if there is anything else but there isn’t. “That’s it? That can’t be it!” He gives the datapad to Kaidan and gets up off the couch and starts to pace around the cabin again. “Why would…this is a trick. This has to be a trick, Hackett heard me talk about Mia when I was under lock up or Liara told him and…”

“Cullen, you don’t know that. What reasons would Hackett have to lie to you?”

“I don’t know, but it seems pretty suspicious, doesn’t it? Dangle information about my _sister_ in front of me, and Andraste’s ass, it even _mentions_ me!” Cullen’s voice is raised, and he’s frustrated. He’s scared. “To just…”

“There’s more information and a note from Hackett,” Kaidan cuts Cullen off, and he stands up from the couch and gives the datapad to Cullen.

“What does it say?”

“That by all reports, they never made it off the planet.”

“Great, so tell me about my sister and then tell me she died,” Cullen starts, but Kaidan grabs Cullen’s hand.

“No, that’s not what it says.” Kaidan sighs and holds tightly to Cullen’s hand “they never made it off the planet, because the planet _disappeared_. It’s not on the map anymore. Nothing but two moons orbiting around where a planet used to be.”

“ _What?”_ Cullen looks at the datapad, and it’s all right there. Ships were sent to investigate where Thedas had been, but the planet disappeared visually. Attempts at trying to fly through the void of space where the planet had been, ships were actively blocked. He makes a frustrated sound, before he opens the note from Hackett.

_Commander,_

_As you read in your file months ago, there is some information on Thedas that we have at our disposal. Early reports of four lifeforms, claiming to be Thedasians appeared on the Citadel 25 years ago. Asari government originally claimed that the lifeforms simply ‘appeared’, but I have my doubts. Identities of these Thedasians are protected under the highest level of Asari government, and any request for more information is denied. Not even Dr. T’Soni, with all her contacts, has been able to breach it._

_It is my belief that you may be related to one of the Thedasians, Cullen. The logs from the Asari Captain is the most recent information any of us have been able to get, and even getting that was not without consequence._

_I personally had been overseeing the mission to send ships to Thedas for months to see if we can somehow get past whatever is actively blocking us, but all fleets were diverted back to Earth when the Reapers hit._

_You have my word that when this war is over, I will help you resolve this matter. While we still may not fully understand how you arrived here, we will figure this out. For now, our focus must be on the Reapers and the threat to the galaxy, or there may not be a Thedas for us to rediscover._

_\- Hackett_

The datapad feels heavy in his hands, as he swallows the air he was holding in. He tosses the datapad towards the couch and turns to Kaidan. He tries to find words, anything to explain how he feels, but he can’t. The words aren’t there. It’s information overload, and Cullen can’t find a way to deal with it.

How can he actively explain that he still doesn’t know how he exists, even though he knows he does? How can he actively explain the worry he has for his sister, if Mia really was the person referenced in the reports?

“What do you need?” Kaidan asks softly, looking at Cullen with concern.

Cullen sighs, “I don’t know.”

Kaidan nods, “That’s okay, Cullen. You’ve got me, no matter what.” He steps forward, and wraps his arms tenderly around Cullen, and Cullen allows himself to be pulled into the embrace. He burrows his head in Kaidan’s neck and he closes his eyes.

He hugs Kaidan a little tighter, as if he needs the confirmation that he’s real, that _something_ makes sense. 


	31. Chapter 31

_“Where are we going?”_

_“Cullen, I told you, you just have to trust me!”_

_“But Mia, I’m scared!” He tugs at her sleeve insistently, and Mia stops and sighs. She looks at her brother and makes a face._

_“You’re 13 now, you can’t be scared.”_

_“Yes, I can! Just because you’re 16 doesn’t mean you’re better than me!”_

_“You want to be a Templar! You think you can be a Templar if you’re_ scared _?”_

_He lets go of Mia’s sleeve immediately and she rolls her eyes. “I know I’m only a few years older than you, but you have to trust me. Mom told me what we need to do.”_

_Behind them, Branson and Rosalie are fussing. Branson is only 9, and Rosalie is barely 5. Cullen looks back at them both and then looks at Mia. “How are we getting home?”_

_“Mom told me that there might be a chance not all of us are the same. We just need to get back on the ship and ask them to take us home.”_

_“The same? As who? Them? Who are they! They didn’t look like anyone that we knew and—”_

_Mia sighs, “Cullen! You have to_ trust _me! Do you trust me?”_

_He nods firmly. “Yes.”_

_“You and I have to take care of the family once Mom and Dad are gone. Branson and Rosalie aren’t like us, they can’t be here and home at the same time like we can.”_

_“What? What do you mean?” Cullen asks, but he’s not the 13-year-old boy anymore. Rather, he’s watching his 13-year-old version of himself talk to his older sister, as his younger siblings wander up to them._

_16-year-old Mia sighs and looks to younger Cullen. “It’s my fault we got here. You didn’t have to follow me. But I will get us all home. Okay?”_

_13-year-old Cullen doesn’t respond, and the memory seems to freeze. The location of everything seems blurry though, and Cullen isn’t sure why. This memory was one he thought of often through the years: his sister ran away on a ship, and Cullen ran after her, the other siblings in tow. It was before their parents died, and right before he was sent off to be a Templar; it was one of the last times they had together._

_They stowed on the ship and traveled for days, but he could never remember where they ended up. He couldn’t remember the rocking of the ship against the ocean, he couldn’t remember the sounds of crashing waves. He couldn’t remember what the ship even looked like, only that there was one._

_Around him, around the younger versions of himself and his siblings, the room starts to shift and clear up. There’s a familiar hum of lights, and a sound of a door sliding open. An Asari woman walks in to greet them._

_Asari?_

_Wait._

_The room around them shifts and it’s the cargo bay of a spaceship with Mia, Cullen, Branson, and Rosalie wearing their Ferelden finest._

_Cullen looks down at the younger version of himself. The 13-year-old looks up to him and says, “I always wanted to be among the stars.”_

Cullen’s eyes immediately fly open and his hand is quick to his chest. The breathing is hard to come by, as he struggles to catch even the smallest bit of air. His mind is racing, and he’s not sure if he can believe his memories, or if his brain is trying to fabricate other ones.

They didn’t travel to outer space, that didn’t make sense. Mia had run off on a ship. A water bound ship, not a space one. “Maker, why can’t I remember…” He muttered softly, under his breath in the dark of the cabin.

It’s then that he feels the bed next to him shift. He feels a hand at his back hesitantly at first, and then as Cullen relaxes against the touch the hand moves up his back and to his shoulders.

“Hey,” Kaidan’s voice is soft, colored with sleep, “What’s wrong?”

“I woke you,” Cullen sighs, and looks over his shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

He watches as Kaidan shakes his head and gestures with his head. “Cullen, come here.”

Cullen swallows hard, pushing the dream out of his mind, and he shifts back under the sheets. He lies on his back and rubs his hand down his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” He apologizes again, and Kaidan shifts to rest on his side, propping his head up with his hand.

“Stop. You’re fine, just tell me what is going on.”

“Just a nightmare. I have them constantly,” He says, as he stares up at ceiling, through the windows to the stars. “Are you sure you want to sleep with me at night?” Cullen raises an eyebrow, “You’re going to get woken up a lot.”

Kaidan laughs through his nose and shifts closer to Cullen, “Worth it to not be in the crew quarters,” he teases.

Cullen chuckles, “Yeah. I suppose I have it better here. You can use me for my bed.”

“Yep, that’s all you’re good for.” Cullen can’t see Kaidan’s eyeroll, but he feels he knows the man well enough that he can assume that’s what he does. Kaidan shifts next to him to also lie on his back, and their arms rest against each other.

Kaidan takes Cullen’s hand into his, and laces their fingers together, his thumb rubbing Cullen’s own gently. To soothe. He knows the gesture well, he used to—

His eyes light up with another recognition, “Do you remember the first time I had a full panic attack in front of you, Kaidan?” He turns his head to the side to look at him, and Kaidan looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“You took my hand, like this,” He lifted their hands, “And you moved your thumb in a soothing gesture. You told me to focus on the contact, and to remember count the five things I could see and touch.”

“Should I…not have done that?”

“During the day in Skyhold, I would do that a lot. I would hold my hands together, and try a similar gesture, because I didn’t trust anyone else with that level of intimacy. I never really knew why I did it, only that I did because I swore one time it must have worked. Never realized why I thought that until just now.” He brought their hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to Kaidan’s hand. “I guess it’s my weird way of saying thank you.”

Kaidan shifted once more and turned his head to face Cullen. Cullen looked at him with a smile. “You’re thanking me for holding your hand?” He asks at first, but then he smirks, “You…sound so innocent, Cullen.”

“Gee,” Cullen rolls his eyes, “Thanks,” and he watches as Kaidan laughs for a moment. “What I’m trying to say is, you’ve helped me through a lot, Kaidan. I’m just thankful you’re here now.”

Kaidan squeezes his hand, “Of course, I’m not going anywhere.” But he gently let go of Cullen’s hand and shifts in the bed, so he’s now hovering over Cullen, his arms on either side of him holding himself up.

Cullen shifts beneath Kaidan with a smirk and roams his hands down Kaidan’s bare sides. “Good.”

“You’re not going to tell me what your dream was about that woke us up, are you.”

“Nope,” Cullen grins. He moves his hands lower, and Kaidan flinches slightly, and raises an eyebrow. Cullen then moves his hands to pull Kaidan down from above him and wraps an arm around Kaidan’s waist.

He flips their positions around, so Kaidan is on his back, and Kaidan smirks. “You know I’m just going to keep pestering you about it, so you should just fess—” The rest of his words are muffled against Cullen’s mouth on his, and Cullen grins against the kiss.

Kaidan’s hands are pushing through Cullen’s hair, both of them playing with control over how deep the kiss goes, how passionate, and Cullen wants to savor it. He easily gets lost in the kiss, but then feels Kaidan’s fingers pinch his side.

The kiss breaks with a startle and Cullen laughs, “What was that?”

“Tell me what the dream was about, don’t make me worry. You can distract me all you want after.”

Cullen groans, “It was a dream about my sister.”

“Oh.”

“ _Yeah_.”

“Wow. So. Kind of a mood killer.”

“You’re such an ass, Alenko.”

“But you _like_ my ass.”

“Uh huh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a small note, I'm going to start cleaning up the tags and adding in characters and the like! Might be minor spoilers in the tags as I add to them. 
> 
> Thank you as always for reading! <3 Let me know your thoughts!


	32. Chapter 32

Despite the distraction, the dream stays with Cullen for days after. It becomes a point that when he closes his eyes, he’s trying to mentally replay the memory to see if there is anything else that he’s missed. He’s not sure if his memory and the information from Hackett is blending and he’s creating something he _wants_ to see, or if he’s actually experiencing the truth.

Sometimes, the truth is stranger than fiction. But it’s hard to know which is truth and which is fiction these days.

What he does know is that Asari Government has more information than they’re willing to share. He really doesn’t want to play politician. He _hates_ doing it, and sometimes he thinks it might be even worse than playing the Game in Orlais. He wasn’t particularly good at doing _that_ either. He didn’t have time for games of any sort

And yet…

He disconnected from the vid call with the Asari Councilor with the promise that he would meet up with her on the Citadel. She had information for the Crucible, and he was willing to bite. He loathed politics, but he had no other way of getting what he wanted.

The war room on the Normandy was unusually quiet for this time of day, but Cullen decided he was going to make the most of it. Review any new assets they had gotten in their travels, review notes and reports from the Crucible. Even fellow Spectres were reaching out and providing Cullen with resources and information, anything they could do to kick the Reapers back.

The Normandy crew had already taken down two Reapers in this war, and he got up close and personal with one. That was the stuff of legends, and that got people talking.

Somehow, that got him thinking of the Inquisitor. Lavellan always hated the position but seemed to revel in the fact that people were following her orders – even though most joined the Inquisition for the cause, not for her. Even so, people still followed. He had been thankful he wasn’t in a position like hers. But now, wasn’t it the same? His enemies were significantly larger, and he was facing them head on (literally in some cases). Comparing a Reaper to a breach in the sky wasn’t worth it.

Or a breach in an energy force field, if the reports were to be believed.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, rubbing his fingers at the bridge of his nose.

_“Where did you go just now?” Lavellan’s voice brings Cullen back to the present, as his eyes focus on the chess game in front of them. As soon as she had realized he played, she tried to get him into a game or two with her as often as she could. Which wasn’t that often given everything that was happening, but it was enough to show she wanted to be a friend._

_He considered her one. He had long forgotten his boyish crush on her and had put any other personal relationships he had held strictly behind him._

_“Cullen?”_

_“Ah. Sorry, I…” He shrugged, because he didn’t have an answer. It was close to evening hours, and he would start to fade in and out at this time. Now, he was so used to it, that he would retreat to his quarters before it hit, a feeling he could get that warned him._

_Lately, it had been starting earlier and earlier. Which had been cause for concern. “I’m worried about you.”_

_“Me?” Cullen laughed, and put a hand on his chest, and suddenly got a strange case of déjà vu, though he could not place why. “You’re the Inquisitor, you should hardly be worrying about me.”_

_“Is this because you’re not taking Lyrium anymore? Are you going through withdrawals? Do you need help”?” Her voice was filled with concern and worry, and it hit him then that the rest of the chess game would be forgotten._

_His laughter had been short lived, and it moved to a sigh. “I am fine, I promise you. Nothing to do with lyrium, and I am doing quite well without it, all things considered.”_

_“You’ve been retreating to your quarters earlier. Others have noticed.”_

_“Leliana? If she were so concerned, she’d say something to me herself.”_

_“No. Not Leliana,” Lavellan sighed and cleared her throat, fixing Cullen with a look._

_He leaned back in his chair, and it took a moment before it hit. He held back the desire to roll his eyes, “Dorian? I believe he should be more occupied with Bull than worrying about me.”_

_“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you.”_

_“With all due respect, I’ve put that behind me, and so has he. I don’t see the reason in dwelling in something that didn’t work.”_

_She leaned forward, the clear crystal hanging on a thread around her neck glowing for a moment. He noticed it immediately, his eyes darting to it and his eyebrows furrowing. She put her hand over it quickly, “Okay, but we are your friends, Cullen, and we—”_

_“Stop.” He held his hand up, cutting her off. “I would prefer not to have lies told to me in attempts to get information out of me.” He pushed his chair out from the table, and gestured towards her, “And next time, hide the sending crystal better. Good evening, Inquisitor.” He bowed politely, with respect, and headed out of the garden to cut through the main hall to his quarters._

_As he cut through the rotunda, he looked up to see Dorian and Leliana looking down from the upper library. He glared up at them, shaking his head in disappointment before he retreated out of the keep._

_As he reaches the door, he hears Solas from his desk calling out into the levels above, “I told you two it wouldn’t work.”_

He inhaled sharply, exhaled slowly, as he dropped his hand and opened his eyes. With no one else in the war room, he could take the time to relax and remind himself that despite everything _this_ was where he was meant to be. This was where he was happy, this was where he had meaning, this was where he had friends, this was where he could make a better life for himself.

In Skyhold, he used to welcome when he’d drift off and black out. Because even if he couldn’t remember it, and even if he woke up longing for someone that he didn’t know, he mostly woke up happy. That there was a deep feeling that told him that there was still something better out there for him.

He had been right.

He wanted to know what happened to his sister, he wanted to know if she was alive, and perhaps he could _visit_ where Thedas had once been. He owed it to her to discover what happened, he owed it to his siblings to put things to rest.

When everything was over, home wouldn’t be Thedas. Home was _here_ , among the stars.

But…that didn’t mean his curiosity wasn’t going to get the better of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments & kudos are love! Let me know your thoughts <3


	33. Chapter 33

The office of former Councilor Udina was more crowded than Cullen had ever seen it. C-Sec officers were scanning every inch of it, someone was at the terminal at the desk trying to get more information. No one had seen Udina’s turn coming; except perhaps one person.

Of course, that same person was also the one who warned the Council about the Reapers and those claims were dismissed, so who would even say if he would have been believed if he said anything?

There was also the matter that it had been _Shepard_ who gave the warning, and not Cullen himself – and it was far easier to think of what he did when he was not fully aware as someone else. It made things less confusing, even if he was still taking the responsibility of all those actions.

Sometimes, that made things harder.

He wasn’t given a second glance when he entered the room; he was the first human Spectre, there was a Councilor in the room on the balcony, it was easy to put two and two together.

Cullen walked past the officers and investigators and met up with Counselor Tevos. She was leaning over the balcony railing, overlooking the Presidium and the cars speeding by, turning only when she heard his approach. “Commander. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, Councilor.” He nodded curtly and leaned against the railing. “You said you wanted to discuss something?”

Tevos sighed, and rubbed at her forehead before she nodded, “The situation is growing urgent for my people. We're aware your crucible is still missing a key component.”

Cullen pretended to look shocked, but the reality was, he wasn’t. Hackett was doing anything he could to get others to cooperate with the Crucible, and that included trying to cash in the good will of Cullen and the Normandy crew once again saving the Council. One time, Hackett had said, it would work in their favor. Perhaps that time was now. “The Catalyst. Do you know something?”

She shook her head, “Not exactly.” The sigh that left her was one Cullen recognized. He had done something similar in his years of command. _Help me, help you._ Andraste preserve him, he hated politics. “But there is an... artifact on our home world, Thessia, known only to highest levels of my government.”

“There appears to be a lot that is only known to the highest levels of Asari government, Councilor.” For the briefest of moments, he felt his heart rate quicken. It wasn’t the right time, he knew, to dig into what he was aware the Asari were holding back. Her reaction to his words were to look at him with annoyance, though some curiosity. “What is it?”

There was a long pause before she said anything. She was carefully crafting her words, Cullen could tell. “With any luck, it's a means to help you locate the Catalyst. The artifact is kept in a temple located at these coordinates. I've ordered a scientific team to meet you there.”

“If this artifact is so important, why keep it hidden?”

“Every species in the Citadel has its secrets, Commander. But this one, in the wrong hands, would upset the balance of galactic power.” She looked away from him, and out over the balcony, “Even someone from Thedas should understand that.”

Cullen swallowed hard, and he cleared his throat. “Excuse me?”

“I know what you’re looking for, Commander. And yes, I know who you are.”

“So now you’re blackmailing me?” He asked, taking a step forward, and to her point she did not move.

“No. I am simply offering reciprocity.” Tevos turned then, to face Cullen. Her hand rest delicately on the balcony railing, and her other hand hung at her side. She _smiled_ and Cullen tried to shake off the uneasy feeling he had.

Maker, he _hated_ politics.

But he took the bait. “What are you asking for?”

“Go to Thessia and find the artifact. That’s all I’m asking for. Finish the Crucible.”

“And then?”

“And then, I believe you’ll find the Thessia archives to be very interesting.” She moved her hand then, holding it out for him to shake.

Despite the feeling of unease, he shook her hand and nodded. “Of course. Thank you. I’ll do what I can.”

She nodded, “Whether you know it or not, you've become the sole ray of hope in a very dark night.” Her hand rose to his cheek then, tenderly touching it in what was the most condescending way Cullen had ever experienced. “Goddess be with you.”

The Councilor moved away from him then, the signal for him to take his leave, and he did exactly that.

Cullen didn’t even wait for the door to Udina’s old office shut behind him before he went straight into the Spectre office, not expecting anyone to be in there. Each Embassy had their own office for Spectres, and for the longest time, Cullen was the only Human Spectre.

But as the doors opened and shut, Cullen saw the _second_ Human Spectre looking over the terminal, and he smiled.

Just seeing Kaidan was enough to release the tension that was building in his shoulders, and as Kaidan turned around to greet him, they both smiled like mad men.

There was an opportunity here, and Cullen took it, as he crossed over to Kaidan quickly and pushed his back against the terminal and kissed him hard.

A muffled sound came from Kaidan’s lips, swallowed into the kiss, though Kaidan was quick to meet Cullen’s enthusiasm. Cullen’s fingers moved under the hem of Kaidan’s shirt, fingers touching skin, and Kaidan moaned into Cullen’s mouth at the small contact.

Cullen chuckled then, forcing himself away for the moment, and ran a hand through Kaidan’s hair. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kaidan smirked, “There a reason you just did that?”

“Let’s just say you’re exactly who I needed to see after the conversation I just had.”

“Oh? Councilor had good things to say, huh?” At this, Cullen raised an eyebrow, and Kaidan laughed, “Oh come on, Spectre, remember? Besides, I saw her before you did, she was asking for you.”

Cullen sighed, and leaned his forehead against Kaidan’s. “I don’t want to think about that right now. We’ve only got a few more hours before we have to head back out there.”

“Yeah? What’s our next stop?”

“Thessia.”

“The Asari home world?”

“Yeah.”

“But now?”

“Now,” Cullen smiled, “I was thinking maybe we could do that real date. Though, maybe not at Apollo’s. Don’t want to risk any more of your exes coming around…” He teased, which promptly gave Cullen a jab in the side from Kaidan, and he winced at the motion.

“How about takeout at my apartment instead?” Kaidan asked, with his eyebrow raised.

Cullen smirked, “I like your idea a lot better.”

Kaidan started towards the doors, and Cullen followed him in anticipation of what was to come. “I knew you would.”


	34. Chapter 34

The door opened and if it shut behind them, Cullen was absolutely _not_ aware.

What he _was_ aware of was Kaidan’s hands on him, Kaidan’s mouth on his, the way that Kaidan shoved him hard against the wall and started to strip him of anything that he wore.

They pulled at each other’s clothing, tossing it wherever they damn well pleased, until there was contact. Skin on skin, pressing against each other, kisses rough and fingers digging into skin, anything to give them contact.

Moving around with Kaidan felt like second nature, and Cullen wondered why they hadn’t done this before – though the answer was obvious: he wouldn’t have remembered it. And how cruel it would have been to not have remembered this man, the way he kissed him, the way he touched him, the way he…there was a stronger word there that Cullen did not dare think of because he didn’t want to ruin the delicate balance of what they had.

It was discovering all the things that Cullen missed out on. All the years that he couldn’t act, because he wasn’t fully where he needed to be. Evenings spent with Kaidan doing nothing but talking would lead to days of longing for someone he couldn’t remember the name of – only that he existed. And trying to find him in Thedas was a lost cause when he had been somewhere else the whole time. Somewhere else that Cullen belonged.

He belonged here. With Kaidan. The realization hit him hard, and the reaction was for him to kiss Kaidan harder, to let his hands explore every single inch of him and pushed him towards the couch.

There was no point on going to the bedroom. They both were in an unspoken understanding that they weren’t going to make it that far.

Cullen playfully pushed Kaidan down on the couch and was quick to join him, as he pressed his lips to Kaidan’s neck, before he started to kiss lower.

He felt Kaidan’s pulse quicken as he kissed past his heart, could tell his breathing was getting rougher as Cullen moved further and further down, kissing every inch of Kaidan as he could. Savoring what he could, committing things to memory, because that was what they _deserved_.

Nothing of not being able to recall the next morning, or even the next hour. Cullen needed Kaidan to understand that he was here, that he wasn’t leaving, that no matter what he had in his past or what he needed to sort out with where he came from, that he wasn’t going anywhere. Home. Cullen knew home, he had never known home before now, before this, before _Kaidan_.

To be able to pull the moans from Kaidan so deliciously as he had his mouth around him, to watch him squirm to his touch, to feel that he could _show_ him just what he meant to him even if the words were too heavy on his heart to say. He needed to hear Kaidan, he needed to hear those sounds, the moaning out of his name so loudly on his lips as he came, and Cullen swallowed him down.

Sex wasn’t something that had ever really come easily to Cullen, he had once found it to be a chore, but with Kaidan he would be willing to spend hours with the other man if it just meant Cullen could hear him cry out his name in climatic passion again and again. 

Sex was also something that Cullen had gotten used to no reciprocity on, because he cared more for the other person’s pleasure, and that was always just given freely. But this was different. Kaidan was different to him, for him.

They pulled and grabbed at each other, falling off the couch in a mess of arms and legs, Cullen being the one that landed on his back and Kaidan more than happy to take advantage of the situation. Moments were blurs, but Cullen could easily pick out specific ones, like the feeling of Kaidan sinking down around him, and the gasp they both gave out at the same time as Kaidan started to move and Cullen lifted his hips to match the movement, his fingers digging into Kaidan’s skin deep enough to leave marks.

It was Cullen’s turn to curse and call out Kaidan’s name, wanting to get up to kiss him, but Kaidan’s hand pushed Cullen’s chest down, the look in Kaidan’s eyes blown and erotic, and Cullen could have lost it then and there.

But Kaidan shifted, picked up pace as his biotics started to glow around them both and Cullen felt the familiar buzzing feeling he had come to enjoy, and it pushed them both towards the edge.

In unison they came, and Cullen could have sworn he blacked out. Kaidan collapsed on top of Cullen, breathing hard and the two of them were silent before they started laughing. Full, bright, beautiful laughter, as Kaidan lifted his head to catch Cullen’s lips with his own and they reveled in the moment before Cullen insisted on a shower.

They actually took the time getting clean, but spent most of it making out slowly and tenderly under the spray of the water, Kaidan more than willing to pin Cullen to the shower wall, and Cullen more than willing to let him.

They were both willing to take and give control, and Cullen hadn’t realized how much he needed that.

“I believe,” Cullen said a half hour later once they were out and drying off, “That I was promised food.”

Kaidan smirked, “That wasn’t dinner? Could have fooled me…”

Cullen’s smirk brightly matched Kaidan’s own, and there was a free feeling in his chest he couldn’t give name to.

Or he could. Just not yet.


	35. Chapter 35

“If this is your idea of lunch, I could get used to this,” Kaidan’s voice is teasing him, and Cullen _tries_ to act offended, but he can’t seem to bring himself to care.

“Oh, shut up,” His voice is light, his heart feels lighter, and he wishes he had more moments like this. The two of them, completely alone, nothing but them. He moves towards the center of the bedroom but doesn’t move past that. 

Kaidan follows the gesture, but he’s kissing Cullen’s shoulder and neck, enticing him to go to the bed, stay in the moment. Cullen lets his eyes close, angling his neck for Kaidan to have a better angle, and as Kaidan presses his lips hungerly to his skin, something else happens.

Both of their stomachs grumble with _actual_ hunger and Cullen’s eyes open as he laughs. He feels Kaidan drop his forehead to Cullen’s shoulder, and he’s laughing as well.

They begrudgingly leave the bedroom and head into the living room, picking up their discarding clothes on the way. Both of them half dress – both get bottoms on, but Kaidan isn’t bothering to button up his shirt completely, and Cullen has just decided to forgo it. They order a pizza, and when the delivery guy gets there, the door is open wide enough that he can see _Commander Shepard_ sitting on the couch with no shirt on, and _Major Alenko_ opening the door looking rather disheveled.

The man takes the payment and leaves, and Cullen isn’t sure if the man isn’t going to immediately go to any news outlet to talk about them. As the door shuts, Cullen laughs, “Should we expecting scandalous headlines about us soon?”

Kaidan laughs, as he brings the pizza box over to Cullen. Cullen takes it and sets it on the table in front of the couch, and Kaidan disappears to the small kitchen to only return with two open beers. “Breaking news, the Two Human Spectres are keeping it in the family!”

Cullen snorts, “ _Maker_ , you made that sound even worse than this actually is!” He takes the beer from Kaidan and drinks it, before setting it down and grabbing a slice of pizza.

There is hearty laughter from Kaidan, and Cullen enjoys the closeness between them. This was never something he would have gotten had he stayed in Thedas. It wouldn’t have matter where on the planet he would have looked, nothing would have compared to this.

“And what exactly is this, Cullen?” Kaidan’s voice is light and teasing, but he’s raised an eyebrow towards him and Cullen feels his breath leave completely for a moment.

He shifts on the couch, to face Kaidan more, pizza and beer forgotten in the moment. “You have to ask?”

“Cullen,” Kaidan starts, and his smile is still there but it’s faded slightly. “Listen, I have…I know what I feel for you. It took years for me to come to terms with it, and to come to terms that what I wanted may never happen,” He reached out and took Cullen’s hand in his. “I had to deal with a lot of whiplash, can you blame me for being curious?”

Cullen’s eyes looked down to their hands, and he sighed. “No, I don’t blame you at all,” He said.

“But?”

“There’s no ‘but’,” Cullen shook his head, and looked back up to Kaidan, “I’ve told you what life was like for me before. Like it was…I was just walking through life looking for something I couldn’t find. You got under my skin, Kaidan.” His lips started to move into a smile, “You’re about the only thing that truly makes sense to me.”

Kaidan shifted towards Cullen more, a sly look on his face. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Cullen’s smile gets a little wider, “Everything around me makes less and less sense with the passing day, but you’re the only thing that keeps me grounded.” He moves his hand from Kaidan’s and caresses the other man’s face tenderly. “You’re what I was longing for, Kaidan. So, to answer your question to what _this_ is,” he shrugged, “it’s whatever you want it to be. If I’m with you, that I’m yours, I don’t care what we call it.”

He stops speaking, and he’s still looking at Kaidan with everything else that he wants to say but _can’t_ just yet out of fear; it has never been easy for him to be vulnerable, laid out for all to see, and part of him wonders if Kaidan might just reject it out right. It’s irrational to think that way, he knows, after everything that Kaidan has said and done, but Cullen can’t help it.

It’s one part of Thedas that just really won’t leave him, no matter how desperately he wants and needs it to.

Kaidan doesn’t say anything, instead he leans in and kisses Cullen, moving across the couch towards him and pushing him back against the cushions. The kiss is searing, it lights a fire in him, and he realizes that maybe it was more reignited when Kaidan touched him. He never wants to stop feeling like this. “I’m yours,” Kaidan finally replies once the kiss breaks.

He’s lying on top of Cullen, and Cullen shifts beneath him to give them more room on the couch, and it only presses Kaidan into him more. “What about the pizza?” Cullen teases.

“Fuck the pizza,” Kaidan mutters against Cullen’s lips.

“I’d rather not. Sounds like it could be messy,” Cullen replies with an easy smile and Kaidan pulls back slightly to just give Cullen a look of _are you kidding me?_ and Cullen deeply laughs, wrapping his arms tightly around Kaidan.

Kaidan makes a face as if he’s _considering_ fighting against the gesture, but they both know he won’t. “You’re impossible.”

“You like impossible.”

“Yeah, as long as the impossible is _mine_.” Kaidan’s voice darkens slightly at the last word, and Cullen’s smile fades into something different, feeling the heat in his cheeks.

“Say that again,” He asks, almost at a whisper, so easily switching back from laughing to wanting to know that he belonged to someone, to _him,_ to now.

“Mine, Cullen. You’re _mine,”_ Kaidan shifts on top of Cullen and shrugs off his open shirt, letting it fall to the ground.

The sound that Cullen makes isn’t one he’s made before, but it makes Kaidan react exactly how he wanted him to.

The pizza goes cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun/fluffy chapter before we yeet canon completely out the window ! (Not that most of this was canon anyway...)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to yeet canon completely! (As if we weren't already doing that...)

Thessia.

The plan was simple, get planet side and get to the scientists. Cullen wasn’t sure why he was surprised that things didn’t go exactly as they planned, fighting their way through the Reapers and turned Asari to the temple – maybe he was still riding high on their last triumphs.

But it was bloodshed, there was death, the Reapers were in full force on Thessia and it was how Earth was when they left – there was a large chance that numerous Asari were out there dying without getting to say goodbye to those that they loved.

A reminder that war was brutal, even if you got some wins. That even if things were going your way, they wouldn’t for long.

The Reapers waiting for them in front of the temple were rough to fight through, even with the help of the airship; too many Asari Commandos had been lost already, and more would perish if they didn’t get inside.

But once Cullen, Liara, and Kaidan made it inside, it was quiet. Too quiet. The temple seemed virtually untouched by the war raging outside the barrier.

“Hello?” Liara called out, “Is anyone there?”

“Something doesn’t feel right,” Kaidan muttered, and Cullen nodded. He didn’t reply, as they made their way further into the temple.

Kaidan was the first to notice the scientists, telling the others how they appeared to have died. It put them all on full alert, but they had to stay focused. Get the artifact and try to get out of here. Try to help the Asari as they could.

“Where is the artifact?” Kaidan asked, standing up from looking over the scientists, and joining them once more. He turned to look at the large statue in the center of the room, one that Cullen had been staring at.

It reminded him slightly of Andraste, the statues that he would visit and pray to, to give him peace and serenity for choices he had made in the past. Andraste had never spoken to him like he had prayed for her to do so, but he had still prayed all the same. Something to hold onto when so often he had felt in his life like he was drifting away at sea.

Staring at this statue, as Liara explained what it was to Cullen, something felt familiar.

There was a hum, a pull from it to pull him towards the statue. Cullen closed his eyes. He felt himself be pulled away from his body, into something _more_. The familiar darkness forced Cullen to open his eyes and quickly turned to the others, "There's a Prothean beacon here."

Liara ran to Cullen’s side "What? You're sure?"

"It's not something you forget, Liara."

"But why hide it?" Her eyes looked conflicted, confused, and Cullen knew that look. He sighed, but Kaidan beat him to the punch.

"Power and knowledge. A beacon like this? Could explain why the Asari hold the seat of Galactic power they have.” Kaidan exchanged a look with Cullen.

Liara didn’t see it, too concerned with what was in front of them. "That can't be, I can't believe my people would keep this a secret!”

“Liara, it’s not the only thing the Asari Government has kept secret, you know that, right?” Cullen asked, his eyes furrowing slightly. “When I spoke to the Asari Councilor, she said this information could upset the balance of power. If others found out about this--”

The pain on Liara’s face was unmistakable, cutting Cullen off, “No, I don’t believe that they would--”

“Liara, they have information on Thedas. On _me_ ,” Cullen stepped forward, and that stopped Liara in her tracks, as Kaidan moved closer to Cullen in a protective manner that did not go unnoticed. “The Councilor asked me to get the artifact off Thessia, and as a favor she would give me the information I need. She’s withholding something that could help me as long as I help her _first_.”

“Cullen, I…I had no idea,” Liara softly replied.

He shook his head, “It’s alright, Liara. I’m not angry at you. I’m just saying, government has a way of hiding things. Religion does too.” He turned to the statue and activated the console in front of him, and the plaster of the statue started to chip away until all that remained was a bright green glowing beacon.

A VI comes out from the beacon, and in it, Cullen sees hope.

Until he doesn’t.

Until everything that could have gone wrong, once again goes wrong. Cullen had never been a fan of anyone fighting dirty, he had more respect for enemies that fought honest and fair. But hiding behind shields, and constantly running away? That wasn’t something Cullen respected.

“Enough!” He bellowed out towards Kai Leng, the reports sent to him from Anderson and Hackett crossing his mind. A young man who was N7 but discharged. A dishonorable man doing dishonorable things, desperate for validation in all the wrong places.

Leng laughs, “What, are you going to yell me to death, Shepard?” He gets into a stance he keeps using – where he’s about to throw up his biotic shield.

Cullen reacts quickly, he channels something he hasn’t channeled in a long time – he pushes his hands out and he throws Silence. It hits Leng in a wave, and it knocks him to the ground. Cullen pulls his shield up, as Kaidan and Liara keep taking down the other Cerberus soldiers around them.

“What… _happened?”_ Leng is screaming, unable to use his biotics, unable to use his abilities. It was a risk, Cullen knew, that it wouldn’t have worked.

He stands in front of Kai Leng and towers over him, “I _silenced_ you. Like you are trying to silence the billions of people on this planet, and the billions of others out there fighting for their _lives_.”

The declawed assassin gets up on his feet and throws a punch to Cullen, but it is blocked perfectly by Cullen’s shield and he uses his weight behind it to shove Leng back. The fight goes like this back and forth, and as Leng gets more frustrated, Cullen taunts him. “See how annoying it is, to not be able to get a shot in? When someone keeps standing in your way? When the fight isn’t _fair?_ ”

Biotics start to dance on Leng’s skin again as the Silence is wearing off, but Cullen just throws it again, and takes out his gun. With one shot to the chest, Leng falls to the ground, blood pooling around him.

Kaidan and Liara run up to Cullen, the other Cerberus troops dead around them, The VI is still locked up on itself behind them near the beacon.

“Cullen?” Kaidan asked softly, and Cullen heard the concern in his voice, the worry, but he just shook his head in reply.

“I’m alright.” He turned to him, “Did we get the VI?”

“We will, we just wanted to—”

Kaidan was interrupted by a gunshot, and Cullen felt his heart drop. But the bullet hadn’t been near them, and it was then that Cullen looked behind them to see Leng with a bullet through the center of his head, and Liara’s gun smoking as she kept it pointing down at him.

“What?” She asked innocently, “He moved.” She shrugged towards the two of them and holstered her weapon, pushing past them to get the VI.

Outside of the temple, Reapers were landing. Over comms, Asari Commandos were asking for backup, but nothing was coming – they couldn’t get to them in time, with the Reapers coming in force. The archives that had been promised to Cullen were lost. They had to bug out.

Thessia was as lost as Earth was, but perhaps there was a chance now.

On the ride back to the Normandy, the three of them stayed quiet. Liara looked at scanning the VI and decoding it, where Kaidan was just staring at Cullen.

Cullen hadn’t been certain why he felt so uneasy under Kaidan’s gaze, until it hit him.

He was certain no one had never been able to cut someone else off from their biotics before. And Cullen just proved he could do it without a second thought in front of the two most powerful biotics on the Normandy.

Cullen’s eyes met Kaidan’s and there was confusion there. And something else.

Like Cullen might have become something to be _afraid of_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few updates are going to be a little slower than normal, as I'm in the middle of moving! But don't worry, this story isn't over :)


	37. Chapter 37

“We need to talk.”

The doors to Cullen’s quarters open and Kaidan walked through, bounding down the small stairs to where Cullen was pacing with a data pad in the space between the couch and the bed. His hand grips the data pad a little tighter, and Kaidan crosses his arms over his chest.

“We need to talk,” Kaidan repeats, a little firmer this time, and Cullen nods.

No good conversation ever started with those words. “I heard you. What’s going on?”

Kaidan huffs, “I’m hoping that you’ll tell me that. Cullen, what _was_ that on Thessia?”

Cullen isn’t dumb enough to pretend he doesn’t know what Kaidan is asking about. He’s also not an asshole enough to deny anything. He knows Kaidan isn’t asking about the Reapers. He knows Kaidan isn’t asking about how Thessia is lost, but the Councilor is at least happy that they got the artifact and know how to finish the crucible – once EDI decodes it.

Kaidan is asking about Kai Leng. More specifically, what Cullen did.

“Silence.”

“What? Are you telling me to shut—”

“—no!” Cullen sighs, and tosses his data pad to the bed. He rubs his forehead. “It’s called ‘Silence’. It’s an ability that all Templars learn when in training. And it wasn’t something I thought would work, it just _happened.”_

“You cut off an enemy’s inane biotic powers, and it just _happened_? Cullen, I’m trying to understand, but…honestly, I don’t.” Kaidan shakes his head and lowers his arms from his chest. His hand runs through his hair, messing up the look of it. Cullen wants to fix it but knows this isn’t the time for tender gestures.

Mostly, Cullen is scared Kaidan is going to turn away from him, and he doesn’t know what to do. “Like I said, it’s something you’re taught as a Templar.”

“So, it’s a Thedas thing?” Kaidan asks, an eyebrow raising, and Cullen ignores how that feels in his chest.

“You use it against enemies who are keen to use magic against you. I hardly ever used it. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have.”

“Biotics aren’t magic, Cullen,” Kaidan sounds exhausted, and Cullen watches him as he walks over to the couch and sits down. Kaidan rubs his hands over his face.

“No, they’re not. But I could see how it could be thought of as that, in this instance. Magic and biotics both give you powers you may not have normally.”

Kaidan’s response is to just huff.

Cullen walks over to the couch and sits down, but he keeps distance between them, sensing that might be what Kaidan wants. Kaidan doesn’t react either way, and Cullen struggles to breathe. He sighs heavily and rubs the back of his neck. “Kaidan, I was just so damn tired of Kai Leng fighting and running away that it just happened. I didn’t even think that was something I could do here.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Shepard, I get it. You used what was at your disposal and you stopped him where I doubt we wouldn’t have normally. We got what we needed.”

The use of ‘his’ last name shot Cullen harder than expected. He frowned. “But?”

“I guess I’m just worried what would have happened if I had been on your bad side. Would you have used that on me?”

“ _What?_ ” Cullen immediately looked to Kaidan, his eyes wide, “I would never do anything to harm you, Kaidan.”

“But if you had to, if you had to take me down—”

“No. No, I wouldn’t.”

“And what if others find out how to do what you did?”

“If, on the off chance, you ever run into a Templar that makes their way to the greater galaxy, then I’ll teach you how to defend against it.”

“What do you mean?”

Cullen cleared his throat and swallowed hard. “I could use it on you, put a small Silence on you. So, you know what it feels like, and you wouldn’t be caught off guard. If someone were to use it at full force as I did on him, you’d need to immediately just rely on your guns. But you’d still manage.”

“You’d use it on me? You just said…”

“ _Kaidan_ ,” He reached out and took the other man’s hand in his. “Never to harm you. Do you trust me?”

Kaidan was quiet for a moment and nodded. “I do.” There was a long silence and then he nodded, “Okay, do it.”

“Now?”

“Why not now?”

Cullen sighed and shrugged his shoulders. “Alright.” He pushed a small Silence towards Kaidan, something that would only be a minute long, something he had learned to control. The stronger the push, the longer the effect.

He could tell when Kaidan got the effect because he grasped Cullen’s hand harder.

“Okay. Now try to bring up your biotics.”

Kaidan nodded, and then nothing happened. “It’s like a ton of bricks is weighing me down and blocking me from…it’s like it severed the connection to my implant completely. _Fuck_ , Cullen, this is…”

“It will only last a few more seconds, I’m sorry that I…”

“I get why you’d want to do this to the enemy. But…please, don’t do it again to me.” Kaidan half-heartedly laughed, clearing his throat. When the weight was off of him, Kaidan took a deep breath in and straightened his shoulders. He loosened his grip on Cullen’s hand. “So that was what you did to Kai Leng?”

“Yeah. Except, I let my anger get the better of me. What I sent towards him was…had I done it a third time; it might have killed him.”

“Liara beat you to the punch there, I think.” Kaidan shrugged again. “He deserved what he got. I just had never seen anything like that. If others knew just how dangerous you were…”

Cullen sighed, “They already know that don’t they?”

“Yeah. Suppose they do.”

Silence fell between the two of them once more, for far longer than Cullen wanted to acknowledge. It never grew uncomfortable, but there was a lingering worry that Kaidan would view him differently now. That Kaidan might hesitate in being around him.

Had he ruined what they had just started?

Instead, Kaidan shifted on the couch to rest against Cullen, and leaned against his chest. Cullen wrapped an arm around Kaidan’s shoulder and pulled up the HoloScreen for something mindless to watch.

It immediately started playing _Blasto 1,_ and Cullen groaned.

Kaidan laughed and held onto Cullen a little tighter in response.


	38. Chapter 38

_He’s in the forest again._

_He’s aware that he’s dreaming, or at least part of him is. The other part of him is still running aimlessly through the forest in his N7 armor, chasing after the man that he used to be. His former self is ahead of him but stops at a bench. When Cullen gets closer to it, his former self is gone._

_Instead, there is another figure. A man, sitting on the bench. He’s leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped together. One hand is bandaged. His hair, usually well-kept and not a strand out of sight, is disheveled. His facial hair is still maintained the way that Cullen remembers it._

_Cullen takes two steps closer, and when the dream-moonlight illuminates the face of the man, Cullen inhales sharply._

_The man turns and looks to Cullen, “Vishante kaffas, I thought you’d never show.”_

_“Dorian?”_

_Dorian nods, “Who else would it be?”_

_“This isn’t—”_

_“Isn’t real?” Dorian sighs and stands up, brushing off his dark clothes. He looks different. Something weighing him down. He walks towards Cullen a few steps, and Cullen notices a limp. “It is. Lavellan and I have been trying to reach you for…I’ve lost count, honestly. She got through to you once in the fade, I thought I’d try.”_

_Dorian takes a step closer, and Cullen takes a step back. Dorian sighs at this, but Cullen doesn’t defend his actions. “Why are you reaching out for me?”_

_“We’ve been worried. Cullen, it’s been a year since you disappeared. Most of the time, I keep thinking that I dreamt you.”_

_“More of a nightmare, I imagine?”_

_“What?”_

_Cullen sighs and rubs the back of his neck, “Ah, never mind.” Part of his brain knows this can’t be real. But the other part? The part that had been manipulated via his mind, that had been forced to watch things he didn’t want to see, he knew it wasn’t. But he was never someone who could do anything in dreams – in the Fade, which ever it was called now._

_It was another thing he didn’t want to think about._

_Dorian put his hands on his hips, “You need to come home.”_

_“To Thedas? You think Thedas is my home?”_

_“Yes, it is, isn’t it? Don’t you miss your family?”_

_Cullen’s eyes narrowed, “You don’t get to talk to me like this Dorian. Like I had not been used and tossed aside by you.”_

_Dorian moved to speak, but kept his mouth shut instead. Instead, he pushed his long robe to the side, and lifted up his undershirt on his left side. Under the fabric was a deep cut scar, and Cullen’s eyes darted to that, before looking back to Dorian. “Don’t worry, Cullen, I have paid dearly for that choice.”_

_The cut matched that of a battle axe. There was only one man in the Inquisition who carried a battle axe._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“You’re not. But if you were, don’t be. I have always been a fool.” Dorian waved it off as he let his fabric drop and he moved the robe to cover it once more. “A lot has happened in the year. Everything is falling apart. We won, and yet everything is falling apart. You have to come back.”_

_“I don’t know if I can.”_

_“Can? Or won’t?”_

_Cullen swallowed hard. “Both.” He gestured to his armor, “I have a different life. I can’t explain how I got where I am, but it’s where I_ belong _. And the people here, they need me. I’m not willing to give that up.”_

_“And we need you too, Cullen, where are we in that heart of yours?”_

_“The same place I suppose I was in yours, I suppose,” Cullen retorts easily, and Dorian frowns._

_“That’s…” Dorian inhaled sharply, “Harsh. And untrue.” He paced around the small forest area, “Bull is dead. Solas is…it’s hard to explain what_ that _situation is. Lavellan, she’s heartbroken and she’s lost her arm. Cassandra disappeared, Vivienne is Divine, Leilana is half the person she was. We won the war and fell right into another one.”_

_Cullen sighed, and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Dorian. I’m needed here.”_

_Dorian took a step forward, “What if I told you that I needed you?”_

_He stood his ground as Dorian got closer, “I would tell you that you were lying. And if you were not, it doesn’t matter. It holds no weight.”_

_“It doesn’t? Why not?”_

_“I’m in love with someone, and I’m not leaving him behind.” It’s the first time Cullen has admitted that, has said it out loud, and he feels guilty that he admitted it to Dorian and not Kaidan himself._

_Cullen watches how Dorian’s face contorts with the changing emotions, and he half expects him to turn into some desire demon that he’s fought off in dreams before. But he doesn’t. Instead, Dorian finally nods. “Fair enough.” He turns to leave, but he turns around to face Cullen once more. “One more thing, though. Before you wake up?”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Your sister is in danger.”_

_“What?” Cullen steps forward, “You’re making—” His confusion goes to anger quickly as he glares, “you don’t know Mia.”_

_“I didn’t at first, no,” Dorian nodded, “She found me in the Fade, I wasn’t looking for her. She claims she can’t come to you directly because it would be dangerous, but she wanted me to tell you that she's not as elusive as she was when you were kids. Said you’d know what that meant.”_

_“I don’t—”_

_“Wake up, Cullen.”_

His eyes opened, to stare at the stars above outside the window. Next to him in the bed, Kaidan stirred, shifting under the sheets, but still deep asleep. Cullen takes a deep breath to try to center himself and stop his mind from going over what the dream had been. And, to stop himself from being so pissed off at the central message of suddenly being _needed_ in Thedas when he hadn’t been that wanted before.

But something stayed unsettled in his chest, and a nagging feeling on his brain. That somehow, Dorian had really _been_ there. And that he really _had_ meant to give him that message from Mia.

Hackett’s reports said that the ship from Thedas never made it off planet.

He sat up straighter in bed and grabbed the datapad on the side table, once more going over Hackett’s reports. Re-reading them over and over, looking for some sort of sign. Some sort of clue.

_Not as elusive._ What had that meant? Mia had never been elusive, not as long as he had known her. He was always able to find her, usually without trying. Except for now, apparently.

As Kaidan slept beside him, Cullen kept reading. Kept trying to work through everything he had when there was a message ping on his datapad.

“Commander? I’m sorry to bother you so late,” Liara’s voice spoke through the datapad, and Cullen sighed.

“It’s fine, I was awake anyway. What is it?”

“We found something; we know how to finish the Crucible.”

He felt Kaidan shift next to him on the bed, the other man sitting up awake and looked at Cullen with surprise. “Yeah? Great, I’ll be right down, gather the others and meet me in the war room.”

“There’s something else too…I’ll show you when you get here.”

“Is everything alright?”

“I’m not sure. It’s a message from the Illusive Man. I’ll see you soon.” The message cut out and Cullen set the datapad down as both him and Kaidan got out of the bed and started to dress. It was late at night, so Cullen opted for comfortable clothes, and tossed Kaidan a sweatshirt before the two of them headed out to the elevator.

“You look like you’re working though something,” Kaidan said softly, and Cullen nodded. “What’s on your mind?”

“I have a weird feeling. I had a dream, something about…someone I used to know reaching out to me and giving me a message about my sister.” Cullen shrugged, “But the message didn’t make sense to me.”

Kaidan leaned against the elevator wall as it brought them down to the crew level. The doors opened and Tali and Garrus walked in – Garrus looked like he was annoyed at something, and Tali nudged Cullen’s shoulder as a hello.

“What was the message?” Kaidan asked, and Cullen sighed.

“Something wrong?” Tali asked, the elevator doors shutting once more bringing them down to the CIC level.

“It’s a long story,” Cullen started pointedly, and Tali nodded in immediate understanding, “but I was given a message about my sister, Mia.”

“You have a sister?” Garrus asked, and Cullen sighed.

“As I said. Long story. But it was something along the lines of ‘I’m not as elusive as I was when we were kids.’ And it doesn’t make sense to me.”

The doors to the CIC opened and the four of them started towards the war room. Cullen walked ahead of them, hacking the war room scan for them to pass quickly through, with Kaidan, Garrus, and Tali following behind. As the doors to the war room opened, Kaidan hummed, “Wait. Didn’t Liara say there was a message from the Illusive Man?”

Cullen took two steps into the war room and then froze.

_Fuck._


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I am completely floored that this story has reached over 1500 views! Thank you so much for reading! 🖤🖤
> 
> Secondly, I will be moving to a once-a-week update while I pack, move, and then get settled into the new place. Once I'm settled again, updates will be more frequent. Thank you for understanding 😊

Cullen feels like he’s frozen to the floor, unable to move. He feels Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder, and it brings Cullen back to the present. “Hey,” Kaidan says softly, “We’ll figure it out.”

The others filter into the war room and gather around as Liara brings up the findings from the VI. The VI next to her comes to life and explains what its purpose was, and what the Crucible was built for.

Cullen is trying his hardest to pay attention. He knows that he should. This information is life or death, _literally_ but all he can think about is Mia.

_“Sometimes I wish you were fully here, Cully.” She says softly, as they sit under the large tree outside of their new home. He’s visiting from Kirkwall, a rare moment away. His attention is to the stars above them, a pull he doesn’t understand. “Cully?”_

_“Huh?” He says, before looking to Mia and sighs, “Sorry, I was distracted.”_

_“I know,” She says with understanding, “You’re so hard to find these days.”_

_“What do you mean? You know I’m stationed in Kirkwall.”_

_“No,” She shakes her head, “I mean in here,” and she taps her finger to his temple. He scrunches his nose up, and she smirks. She drops her hand and looks up to the stars as he was moments before. “Do you ever think there is something else out there for us?”_

_“Yes,” He says without hesitation, “Maker, yes. It’s…hard to explain, but sometimes I think I belong out there. Rather than here.” Cullen laughs then, and shakes his head. It doesn’t make sense. No one can reach the stars, not even Andraste herself would allow it. Not even the Divine could reach them. It would take a miracle._

_“Because you do,” Mia says softly, “I just wish…”_

_He looks at her with a raised eyebrow, “What?”_

_“I just wish I could be with you when you find out where you truly belong. Mom always said you’d find it, you know.” She says softly, bringing her eyes back to him, and smiles. “Little brother, you’re destined for fantastic and impossible things.”_

_He laughs, “You’re not that much older than me, Mia.”_

_“But you’re still my little brother. And Mom and Pa asked me to look out for you.”_

_He nods silently. “I have to go back to Kirkwall tomorrow morning at dawn.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I don’t know when I’ll be able to write or see you again for a long time. Or the others.”_

_“I know.” Her smile is sad but understanding. “But I know you’ll be okay. I'll run into you eventually. I always do.”_

_Cullen smiled back, “Yeah, I know you will, Mia.”_

_“I cannot wait to see what you are destined to become, Cullen. I’ll be so proud to see that day.”_

He comes out of the memory with a sharp inhale and comes to the realization that everyone is staring at him.

Only Tali and Kaidan are understanding of the look on his face that he has, as they’re the ones who know it best. The others look confused.

“Commander?” Liara gently prods, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I was planning something,” He lies, and ignores the look that Kaidan gives him, “Let’s go over it all again, make sure we’re all on the same page.” He’s covering and he’s not doing it well but given the hour of the night others are thankful for the repeat conversation.

Liara nods, “We’ll make our way towards the Citadel, and bring the Crucible with us – we’ll get the backing of the fleet as we need to start to guide it into the Reaper-controlled space. The VI will help connect the Citadel to the Crucible and activate it.”

“Good. We’re going to need to make sure everyone is on their best. If this is the way to defeat the Reapers once and for all, we’re not going to miss this chance.” Cullen nods.

“Do the Reapers know of our plans yet?” Tali asks, and EDI shakes her head.

“We do not think so yet, but once we start to move the Crucible—”

“They will know then,” Tali finishes, nodding in understanding.

“Liara and Garrus, start coordinating the fleets. Liara, speak to the Councilor Tevos. Garrus, speak with the Primarch. I want to make sure everyone is ready,” Cullen turns to Tali, and says, “Admiral.”

She nods, “Already sent off a message to Rannoch to be ready to move.”

“Great. Everyone start coordinating, speak with Traynor if you need assistance on comms. You’re all dismissed.” Cullen is standing tall, trying to be Commanding, but he doesn’t feel very _commanding._ He feels exhausted, and his hands are shaking. He shoves them in his pockets and looks to his feet.

Then the realization hits him that _no one_ has left the room. “Uh,” He says, his eyebrows raising, “Why are you all still here?”

Vega crosses his arms over his chest, “You think we’re gonna leave while you go over the message from that Cerberus bastard? We got your back, Commander.”

_Oh._ Well that was…unexpected. And something in the way Vega spoke, how he moved and crossed his arms across his chest, reminded him of someone else but he couldn’t place it.

Kaidan’s hand is on Cullen’s shoulder once more, and he nods towards the QEC room. Cullen moves towards it, and the others start to follow, and Cullen stops. “Guys, I…I appreciate this. But really, not all of you are going to fit in that room anyway.”

“Commander, if you want, I can broadcast the message to the terminal here,” EDI says helpfully, and he knows it’s the best intentions.

The inner circle, his _friends_ , his new family, all stand around and wait for Cullen’s command.

His heart feels tight, but he nods. “Do it.”

The hologram of the blueprints for the Crucible disappear, and a vid of the Illusive Man comes up.

_“Shepard,” The Illusive Man says to the camera, “It has recently come to my attention that you have taken my best operative from me. Again.” He takes a drag from his cigarette and puts it out on the ashtray as he gets up from his chair._

_“I am getting tired of you taking things away from me that are important to our mission. First, you destroy the Collector Base. Then, you turn Miranda and Jacob on me, steal the ship I provided for you, unshackle my AI, and constantly get in the way of saving humanity.”_

_The camera follows the Illusive Man as he walks around the room he is in, though there is still not a lot of identifiable things. But he walks towards a chair, to someone tied to it. A woman, who has her head bowed. “So, I have decided to take something from you. Something important to you, that you may have not even realized I had.”_

_He lifts the head of the woman by her hair, and her face is clear on the video. A little too clear. “Did you think I wasn’t aware who you were? I’ve done my research, more than your Shadow Broker has. More than your Alliance will tell you.” The Illusive Man considers the woman for a moment. The woman seems sedated and doesn’t move much._

_“Shepard, if you want her alive, come and get her. You have 24 hours.”_

The video cuts out and disappears. Cullen is gripping onto the bars around the table so tight his knuckles are going white. There is an anger in his eyes, and he can feel his body vibrating with pure _rage_.

“Oh, God,” Kaidan mutters, looking from Cullen to where the video had been. Cullen isn’t looking at anyone, he’s just looking at the space where the video had been.

“Commander, who was that woman?” Vega asks, but Cullen ignores it.

“EDI, when was this message sent?”

“4 hours ago.”

“So, I have 20 hours. I can work with that.” His grip isn’t loosening from the bar. He keeps hold of it, as he tries to control himself.

Vega repeats, with more volume, “Commander?”

Kaidan gently puts a hand on Cullen’s shoulder, and Cullen’s expression goes from anger to sorrow as he drops his head. “Andraste preserve me,” he mutters quietly under his breath. “She’s…” He clears his throat and raises his head. He finally releases his grip on the bar. He knows his hands are shaking. He stands straighter, and Kaidan’s hand remains on his shoulder. Grounding him. 

Cullen takes a deep breath, “Her name is Mia Rutherford. She’s…” He sighs deeply.

“She’s my sister.”


	40. Chapter 40

“Your _sister_?” Liara asks, and she seems upset. Upset that she didn’t know or upset that she couldn’t have figured it out on her own.

For a moment, Cullen wonders just how good of an information broker Liara actually _was_ – Leliana would have figured it out months ago.

He doesn’t allow himself to continue that path of thinking.

Cullen nods, and looks to the others around the table. Kaidan is by his side. Liara is leaning forward towards him, her hands on the terminal. Vega and Cortez are standing next to each other by the door. Tali is looking at Cullen with her hand on her shoulder, and Garrus is confused beside her. Joker is leaning against the wall, EDI next to him for support. Traynor bounces awkwardly on her feet.

He clears his throat and looks at Kaidan. Kaidan just nods, knowing this isn’t easy, but large secrets coming into the open never is.

“It’s an exceedingly long story, and it’s one I will absolutely explain in full eventually, but we’re running out of time. On all fronts.” Cullen looks to them all, “I apologize if you all feel as though I am not to be trusted right now, and I—”

“—oh shut up,” Joker says behind him, and Cullen turns to face him. Joker shrugs his shoulders, “All of us know by now you’re not really from around here, Commander. We still got your back. So. What’s the plan?”

The others sound off in agreement, and Cullen can’t help but feel taken aback by the action. The overwhelming feeling of _acceptance_ , even if some of it was blind, was something he had never experienced before. Through his entire life, not in Kinloch Hold, not in Haven, not in Kirkwall, not in Skyhold.

“Liara,” Tali says next, and looks to her, “Can we hold off on the Crucible?”

Liara considers this for a moment, and nods, “I think so, the Reapers are not aware of our movements yet.”

“I believe it would be beneficial for us to take Cerberus out of the equation once and for all,” EDI chimes in, “They have proven to be…”

“A pain in the fucking ass,” Joker finishes, and grins. “Let’s hit them where it hurts and get your sister back. Win/win in my book, Commander.”

Garrus nods, “We just need to find where their base is.”

Traynor stops bouncing on her feet, and she nods, “I believe I can help with that.”

She brings up her Omni-Tool and types, before bringing a map up in front of them all. “When the message came in, EDI and I started to work to isolate where it was coming from. With EDI’s understanding of Cerberus encryption, mixed with my own knowledge, I believe we have where Cerberus is hiding.”

Cullen’s eyes move to the marker on the map, which moves to Horsehead Nebula, and pinpoints the exact location. He isn’t able to say anything, he just stares, eyes wide.

“The base is near Anadius, in the Horsehead Nebula. It looks like killing Kai Leng knocked the Illusive Man off his game,” Traynor adds, and Garrus laughs.

“So much so that he revealed his location.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan jumps in, “You heard him in the video. He wanted us to find it. If he’s looking to draw us there…”

Garrus nods, “He might be looking to distract us from the larger goal. Or he’s angry enough that he’s not thinking straight. Or both.”

“Both,” Kaidan agrees.

The room falls silent and it takes Cullen a moment to realize they’re all looking at him for a decision. He nods. “Let’s go after Cerberus. Then, we take down the Reapers.”

Everyone nods and agrees. Joker leaves first, saying that he’s going to set a course for the Horsehead Nebula. “It’s gonna be a few hours, but we’ll still get there in time, Commander. Don’t you worry.” EDI follows Joker out, and one by one everyone else leaves but Tali, Garrus, and Kaidan.

Cullen sighs heavily and runs his hand over his face and turns away from the three of them for a moment.

“Cullen,” Tali says softly, “we’re going to get her back. You know we will.”

“Yeah,” He says, turning back around to face the three of them, “I know. Things are just…”

“Confusing?”

Cullen laughs with no heat behind it, “That’s one word for it.”

Garrus rubs his hands together, “Shepard, I’m not sure I understand completely what is going on, but we’ll get this done. You just tell us when, and we’ll get her.” He nodded and headed out of the room, and Tali watches Garrus leave.

“You’ll be okay,” She says, and hugs Cullen before she leaves the room.

It leaves Kaidan and Cullen alone, and once that’s the case, Cullen just looks at Kaidan. Kaidan takes a step forward and holds his hand out for Cullen.

He takes it, and finds himself pulled into a strong hug, and Cullen clings to Kaidan tightly. He buries his face in his neck, and breathes in deeply, trying to stop himself from shaking.

They stay like that, until Cullen slowly breaks away and sighs. “I have to call Hackett. We’re going to need his help hitting the base.”

“Yeah. Figured you’d need to. I’ll give you privacy.” Kaidan says, and kisses Cullen softly, “I’ll come back up to your quarters later?”

Cullen half smiles and nods. “Yeah. Kaidan, I…”

Kaidan just smiles back, “Later. Do what you need to, and then, come back to me. Okay?”

Cullen nods, and watches as Kaidan leaves the war room. Cullen makes his way to the QEC room.

Connecting with Hackett is faster than he’s expected. The Admiral seems to have been waiting for his call. “Commander.”

“Admiral, we have a situation.”

“Is something wrong?”

Cullen sighs and stands straighter. “We know how to finish the Crucible. We have the Catalyst.”

“What is it?”

“The Citadel.”

The sharp breath heard from Hackett isn’t lost on Cullen. “That I did not expect. But if we know how to finish it, then what is the issue?”

“The Illusive Man, sir. He’s making a play.”

Hackett growls in frustration. “Cerberus has always been a thorn in our side.”

“He also has my sister.”

Hackett’s expression changes in an instant, from stern to pure surprise. “Your sister?”

“Mia. She was mentioned in the reports you sent me.”

“I know who she is, but how did--” Cullen feels confused at Hackett knowing who Mia is. Hackett himself sounds _confused_ and Cullen isn’t sure he has ever heard the Admiral sound like that. But the tone of confusion does not last, and he returns to the calculated person Cullen knows. Cullen ignores the feeling in his stomach that Hackett is _again_ hiding something. “Do you know where to find her?”

Cullen nods, “Cerberus HQ, in the Horsehead Nebula. I will have EDI send you the Nav Point. Sir, we’re going to need your help.”

Admiral Hackett nods, “Leave it to me. I’ll coordinate our fleets to rendezvous at the base, and we’ll hit it with all we have.”

“I appreciate this, sir. Thank you.”

Hackett nods. “Of course. And Commander?”

“Yes?”

“I meant what I said. Once we take back Earth, we will take back Thedas. You have my word.”

Cullen inhales sharply; the words hit him wrong and he can’t understand why. But he nods. “Thank you, sir.”

The Admiral nods, “Hackett out,” and the feed is cut.

There is nothing but the hum of the ship and the rest of the silence surrounding Cullen, and in the small moment he reminds himself to breathe. He reminds himself that he’s not imagining things. After all, he was here, so it could make sense that Mia was too. Right? That she made it off planet with the Asari, that…

It was a lot. His hands were shaking, and his head was hurting, and it was four hours until they reached the Horsehead Nebula.

“EDI?” He spoke, and EDI’s voice filtered through their private channel as he left the QEC and War Room, heading for the elevator.

“Yes, Cullen?”

“I need everything on Cerberus, the Illusive Man, the base, anything you can get into. I want to know what we’re walking into.”

“Of course. Their protocols may have been updated, but chances are the outline of the base has remained the same. I will give you all the information that I have to your private terminal.”

“Thank you.” The comm cut, and Cullen headed back up towards his quarters.

When he entered, his lion helmet was staring back at him, sitting on his desk. He stood there, staring at it, as he waited for EDI’s information to come in.

The helmet seemed to stare back, a reminder of who he was and who he needed to be better than to save his sister.

He was better than he was. They would and could do this. They’d get Mia back.

And quietly, Cullen tried to calm the panic rising in him.


	41. Chapter 41

EDI’s information was a lot, and Cullen started to go through as much as he could, comparing her data from the information he had lying around in datapads and in handwritten notes to himself. His desk area, in the short amount of time he had been up there, turned into a cyclone. Papers were everywhere, anything that was on his desk was scattered.

The lion helmet still sat in the corner of the desk by the wall though, because despite everything Cullen still did not want to go anywhere near it.

There was an irrational fear that if he touched it, if he put it on, he’d be transported back to Thedas. It didn’t make sense, and he knew that. But waking up here, it hadn’t made sense either and it had been real. There was chances that Cullen just didn’t want to take.

EDI had been thorough in her information gathering. Blueprints to the base, protocols she had wired into her – but warned they may have changed. The entire crew was coming on this mission, Cullen had already decided. He’d need everyone with him, there would be no telling what Cerberus would have in store for them. The Illusive Man had extended an invitation to them, and Cullen knew it was walking into a trap.

A trap he was very willingly going into, and he wasn’t sure what that said about him. Only that he knew Mia would do the same for him if the tables were turned

But it still didn’t explain what Mia was doing here, and why she had made no attempt to reach him before. He wasn’t exactly _hiding_ ; he was Commander Cullen Shepard here. It was hard to hide when legendary tales followed him everywhere he went. But Mia would have had her reasons. She always had. She always knew just a little more than she was telling Cullen, but she kept telling him they were the same. Their two younger siblings, they weren’t like the two of them.

_We have something powerful they don’t, Cully._

Given everything he had gone through in the last few months, he knew that wasn’t the strangest thing to have happened.

His shield ‘returning’ to him. His helmet. Being able to use Silence on Kai Leng – these were all things that shouldn’t have happened. Being on the Normandy, stepping so easily into a life that felt like it should have always been his from the start, that shouldn’t have happened.

It seemed that he was more comfortable with making impossible things happen here. He would have never done anything like this in Kirkwall, or in Skyhold. There was always someone more powerful, someone he could stand by and defend, but never lead. Here, things were different. Here, he was… _more_.

Maybe it was what Mia said he was destined to become.

He nervously paces around his quarters, reading one datapad and tossing it when it doesn’t have the information that he’s looking for. He rustles through the papers on the desk, on the floor, picking up datapads and discarding them. Cullen isn’t even sure what he’s looking for right now, but his mind is going haywire.

There’s a thought to check something in the Armory, and he moves to the door to only find it opening with Kaidan standing there.

Kaidan smiles at Cullen, and Cullen feels warm. He smiles back. “Hey.”

“Hey. Thought you might want company,” He says, as he holds up his hands – a bottle of their whiskey and two glasses. Cullen raises an eyebrow, and Kaidan shrugs.

“Kaidan, I—”

Kaidan cuts him off, “One drink, and then if you want me to go, I’ll go.” He walks past Cullen into the room, and Cullen just sighs with a smirk on his lips as he lets the doors shut behind him.

The datapad he was holding is discarded on the desk on top of everything else thrown there as he joins Kaidan. The other man holds out a glass for Cullen, and he takes it with a nod.

Kaidan glances around the room, at the mess, and furrows his brow slightly. “How are you holding up?”

Cullen lifts the glass to his lips and takes a long drink. He takes the bottle from Kaidan and sets it on the table in front of the couch as he moves to sit. “I keep thinking there’s something I was missing.”

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asks, sitting next to Cullen on the couch.

“Why I didn’t see this coming. The reports that Hackett sent over—”

“—they didn’t say anything about the possibility of your sister being here, Cullen. Nothing we read did. What did Hackett say?”

Cullen raised an eyebrow towards Kaidan, and Kaidan shrugs, “I know you called him for fleet assistance on the Cerberus Base, I assume you told him what was going on with your sister.”

“I did,” Cullen nods, and takes another drink as he settles into the couch. Or tries to, as he leans back a datapad jabs him in his lower back, and he makes a face before he digs it out and tosses it to the table in front of them. “Hackett was surprised. It may be one of lies of omission, but genuine surprise is hard to fake.”

Next to him, Kaidan hums. “Then you wouldn’t have had a reason to believe Mia was here, Cullen. We’ll get her back. You have to believe that.”

“Yeah. I do. I just…”

“Have a lot of questions?”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan shifts on the couch and sets his glass down, “I’ll tell you one thing though, I’m looking forward to meeting her.”

A surprised look crosses Cullen’s face, that quickly turns to a smile. “You want to meet her?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I want to meet your sister?”

Cullen considers this for a moment, “I…I don’t actually know why you wouldn’t. I guess I just never expected that it could happen.”

“You are sort of known for making the impossible happen, Cullen.”

“Yeah,” He chuckles. Cullen takes another drink from the glass and sets it down and runs his fingers over his mouth.

“Cullen, listen, we’re…well we’re more prepared to take on Cerberus _and_ the Reapers than we could have hoped for. You know that, right? We’re going to end this war.” Kaidan rests his elbow on the back of the couch and rests his cheek on his hand.

Cullen shifts and faces Kaidan, turning his head towards him, “But what happens after the war is over?”

“What do you mean?”

“When…when we win.”

“Well, we start with celebrating with drinks…”

Cullen shakes his head. “No, I mean…am I just going to disappear from here?” He watches as Kaidan’s features pull in a way that Cullen doesn’t like, because it’s not something either of them has considered. Cullen clears his throat. “We still don’t fully understand how I’m here, Kaidan, we have to consider the possibility that—”

“No. We don’t have to consider that at all. I refuse that.”

“Kaidan…”

Kaidan shakes his head and moves closer to Cullen. “No, we’re not going to think that way Cullen. We’re just not. We will take it one day at a time and focus on what is in front of us. I’m not…I don’t want to lose you. You’re not going to lose me, and…” He takes Cullen’s hand in his. “And that’s just how it’s going to be.”

Cullen chuckles, “We can’t beat the future into submission, Kaidan.”

“Well I’m sure as hell going to try! I’m not going to face the possibility of losing the man that I—” Kaidan is all passion and fury before he cuts himself off and he pulls back. Kaidan’s eyes drift away from Cullen for a moment.

Cullen wonders if he should push this. “That you…?”

Kaidan’s eyes meet Cullen’s once more, and Cullen can feel his heart picking up. “That I love. You knew that already, Cullen.”

He nods, “Then why stop yourself?”

“I don’t want to pressure you to—” But Cullen cuts Kaidan off by kissing him and pulling him close and practically into his lap.

The kiss breaks, as Cullen rests his forehead against Kaidan’s, “I love you.”

Kaidan swallows hard, and clears his throat, “I’m…wait, can you repeat that?” Kaidan pulls back and Cullen searches his features. Wonder, and admiration, and worried that maybe it wasn’t real.

But it was. Cullen knew that.

“I love you, Kaidan.” He reaches up to caress Kaidan’s cheek, and smiles. “I think I have for a while. I’ve almost said it countless times…” He chuckles, “I should have said it earlier.”

Kaidan shakes his head, and laughs, “I don’t know, right before a big rescue mission seems to be the right time…”

Cullen smirks, “Is that what Ilos was?” He watches as Kaidan’s cheek go a deeper red, and if anything, it endears him to him more. His hand moves from the side of Kaidan’s face, to his shoulder.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about…” Kaidan says, but he does. He does know.

“You came to talk to me before we landed on Ilos. Is admitting things right before a big mission something in the Alliance handbook I haven’t read?” Teasing. Caressing. His hand moving from Kaidan’s shoulder and down his arm to grab his hand.

Kaidan rolls his eyes in playful response, “Shepard—” He starts to tease, but Cullen shakes his head.

“Rutherford.”

“What?”

“My name. It’s Rutherford.”

“Hmm,” Kaidan says, his eyes moving from Cullen’s, to Cullen’s lips and back again. “Rutherford,” he repeats, and Cullen swallows hard. Kaidan of course notices the effect it has on Cullen, “I like how it sounds.”

“I like how it sounds when you say it,” Cullen barely gets out, before his lips are on Kaidan’s again.

He roughly pulls Kaidan into his lap until Kaidan is straddling him and the kiss becomes deeper and more urgent. Kaidan shifts against him and Cullen moans out a sound that is swallowed by the kiss and punctuated by how loud his heart feels.

“I lied,” Kaidan says breathlessly against Cullen’s lips between kisses, “I didn’t just come up for a drink.”

“Good,” Cullen replies, as he moves his arms to wrap tightly around Kaidan and carries him off the couch, guiding them towards the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story will be on a _very_ short hiatus as I move Thursday! So see you in a week or two! <3


	42. Chapter 42

They’re both shirtless, and Cullen is kissing his way down Kaidan’s stomach when the intercom crackles.

Cullen freezes in his movements, and Kaidan groans in frustration as EDI’s voice comes through. “Commander, sorry to interrupt, but we’ve arrived outside Cronos Station.”

“Okay,” Cullen lifts his head to speak, but notices his voice cracks immediately as he says it, causing Kaidan to burst into laughter. Cullen shoots him a look, which just makes the laughter louder and Cullen smirks. “Okay, EDI. Give us a moment,” because there’s no use hiding who he’s with when he knows EDI knows.

“Understood, Commander.” EDI’s voice cuts out, and Cullen sighs heavily and looks at Kaidan.

“Table this for later?” He says, and Kaidan grins.

“Table. That’s an interesting choice, we haven’t done _that_ yet.” Which of course makes Cullen blush and he laughs, moving away from Kaidan and finding the clothes that they need.

They dress and head to the door together, calling the elevator to the armory and docking bay.

Cullen is hit with the realization that he is single handedly the happiest he has ever been and the most terrified he’s ever been, and his hands start to shake again.

But this time, Kaidan reaches out and holds onto them. The contact helps, and Cullen takes a deep breath in and nods. “It’s going to be okay,” Kaidan says softly, and rests his forehead against Cullen’s.

Cullen nods, breathing deep, taking in everything he can around them. He kisses Kaidan as the elevator doors open, and nods after. “You’re coming with me,” Cullen states as they walk into the elevator and Kaidan nods.

“Don’t worry, I was always going to.” He says with a wink, and Cullen rolls his eyes as the doors shut.

The plan is simple. Or, as simple as they can make it. The Alliance fleet will distract Cerberus, fighting them outside the station. Normandy will call the main Cerberus fleet away, with the shuttle comes into the station through the docking bay.

EDI and Kaidan are taking point with Cullen, while the rest of the crew takes on the base as a distraction. They go in groups of two or three – there’s a fight that Cullen has expected. It doesn’t matter that the Illusive Man ‘invited’ them. It doesn’t matter that they know they’re coming. It’s a trap, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll let Cerberus win.

Having EDI with them is a blessing, despite the constant worrying Joker makes over the comms. Kaidan reminds Joker that EDI is okay with them, and Joker’s immediate reply is “You can say that, because you’re with the person you care for right now” and a grumble. It’s a small moment that reminds Cullen why they’re doing this, why they’re fighting. It’s the connections they have, the family they’ve all created.

The family that he didn’t know was here from Thedas, that he was now trying to get to.

They blasted through the center of the base with EDI’s quick thinking of using Cerberus’ fighter jets against them, and Cullen, EDI, and Kaidan followed the path of the fighter, while Garrus and Tali lead their small team of 5 to the west, and James and Liara lead their small team to the east.

There was chatter on the comms as they moved through the base, mostly of everyone making fun of each other, or egging them on. Garrus fussed over Tali and James called him out over the comms to “just admit it already”. Liara commed to Kaidan asking if this seemed like good old days. The banter made it worth it. Part of him just wished others were here.

His brain tells him that he wants Leilana and Cassandra there, but he pushes that feeling deep within him. It’s not the time to think of them.

As they get deeper into the base, Cullen radios that he’s going silent. The closer they get to the center of the base, the closer he can tell they are to Mia.

It’s as if he can sense her presence, and it’s a strange feeling that he hadn’t felt since they were kids. Something he had once chalked up to just missing his sister, but now…he wasn’t sure what it meant.

“Stay on guard,” He says to Kaidan and EDI, his shield and gun out in front of him. “We’re getting close.”

“How do you know?” Kaidan asks, and Cullen just looks to him.

“I can feel it.”

Kaidan doesn’t say anything to this, just keeps moving forward with them all, until they come across a locked door.

EDI evaluates it for a moment before she points to the database next to the door. “I can work on opening this, but that may have something you find interesting, Cullen.”

The choice of using his first name is not lost on him, and Cullen blinks. “What is it?”

“The feeds of you on the SR-2 when you were with Cerberus.” She returns to the encryption, as Cullen goes to the terminal.

He puts his shield away, puts his gun on his back, as Kaidan joins his side. There are four entries.

Cullen doesn’t say anything, he just starts the first entry.

_The feed follows Commander Shepard around the Normandy. He has just left Miranda and Jacob and is taking stock of the ship. He walks with his shoulders high, a stern glare on his face. The feed follows him on every floor of the ship, and then as he heads up to the Captain’s Quarters. As the Commander steps out of the elevator on his private floor, he freezes in his tracks before it looks like his knees give out and he falls to the floor._

Next to him, Kaidan leans in to view the vid better. “What date is this?”

Cullen keeps his eyes on the vid, and swallows. “The day I was essentially resurrected.”

Kaidan looks to Cullen, “What?” But Cullen doesn’t say anything, nor does he look at Kaidan. He stares at the vid.

_The man on the floor suddenly comes to again and struggles to get up. He gasps for air, and his hand flies to his chest. He’s pulling at his shirt, as if it’s stopping him from breathing. It’s a struggle but he gets to his feet and he pushes into the Captain’s Quarters. The feed switches to inside the cabin, as Cullen pushes along the wall and stumbles down the steps to the bed. He struggles as he sits down on it, gasping for air still._

_It is a few moments, before Cullen moves again. He seems to breathe easier and he looks calmer._

_He holds his hands together and rubs his thumb over his other hand. He’s muttering to himself, quietly listing out what he can see._

The feed cuts out, and Cullen inhales sharply.

“What happened there?” Kaidan asks quietly, and Cullen looks at Kaidan finally.

“When the original Normandy was attacked, _I_ was the one who got spaced. I died, and then…this was the first time in two years I woke up. I went from dying in space, to being on an unrecognizable ship. Here, that was the first thing I remembered.”

“Shit, Cullen I…I didn’t know that.”

Cullen shook his head, “It’s alright. It wasn’t until Tali came on board that anyone knew who I was. It’s funny. Well, not funny, but I remember that for two years, there was this emptiness when I was in Thedas, because a large part of me was missing. I remembered the nights, because there was nowhere else for me to go, I guess.”

Kaidan looked back to the feed, frozen on Cullen rubbing his hands together. “Your…hands.”

“Yeah,” Cullen nods, and looks to Kaidan. “Let’s watch the next one.” Cullen selects the next available feed and starts it.

_The feed picks up in the Captain’s Quarters again. He’s sitting at his desk, with his personal terminal up. The feed zooms in over his shoulder to see the message that he is reading._

Cullen can tell that Kaidan recognizes what he sees because he sharply inhales. With EDI still working on the door, Cullen slips his hand into Kaidan’s.

_Cullen reads the message and at first isn’t moving. Then he leans forward in the chair and puts his head in his hands. His foot nervously taps against the floor, bouncing anxiously, as he tries to control what he’s feeling. The feed changes angles and a clearer view of Cullen’s face is seen. He looks upset, and as he moves and runs his hands over his face, he bites nervously on his lower lip. He flexes his fingers as if he’s going to type something, but ultimately, he doesn’t. He makes a gesture, as if he’s hitting a button, and turns the terminal off before leaving the room._

“After Horizon?” Kaidan asks, as he gives Cullen’s hand a squeeze. Cullen nods.

“It was better to delete the message. I wanted to respond, but I didn’t know what to say.”

“Most likely for the best, I wasn’t in a good place when I sent that.”

“I wasn’t in a good place when I read it.”

EDI still works away at the door, “Almost have it.” And as if she’s reading Cullen’s mind she adds, “I’m wiping that terminal clean once we are done with it.”

Cullen nods his thank you and starts the third entry.

_Cullen is pacing around the crew floor of the Normandy, and eventually finds his way into Starboard Observation. Samara is in the cargo bay of the ship training and is not present in the room. Once the door shuts behind him, he walks up to the window and puts his hand on it, while he stares out at the stars._

_The door opens and Tali enters the room. “Commander?”_

_He doesn’t turn around and respond, but Tali pulls out her Omni-Tool and walks towards Cullen. She scans him. There is a moment as the scan ends and she looks at her Omni-Tool, and then puts it away. “Cullen.” She says with more confidence._

_He responds to that and turns around and looks at Tali and smiles. She holds out her arms and hugs him tightly._

_The feed ends._

“Wait, Tali knew?” Kaidan asks, and Cullen nodded. “How?”

“She figured it out on her own. I guess she caught onto it during the original Normandy run, said she saw you and I talking one night and how I was towards you was not how I was during the day. She developed a scan.” Cullen said, and laughed, “It was smart. I was surprised no one else did it sooner.”

“I helped her develop it,” EDI chimes in, as the door finishes unlocking. EDI joins them as she looks to the computer, “There is one feed left, would you like to watch it, or would you like me to wipe the terminal now?”

Cullen is about to answer, but Kaidan pushes the button anyway to activate the last feed.

_The feed shows the Illusive Man speaking to someone off screen. The person walks into the view and it is a woman. “I understand you came to me looking for help,” The Illusive Man says, and the woman nods._

_“I’m looking for someone, I know he’s been working for you.”_

_The Illusive Man laughs, “If you’re looking for who I think you are, you’ve known where he’s been this entire time. Why hide from the Commander?”_

_The woman doesn’t say anything, and the Illusive Man laughs. Kai Leng comes into the screen and the Illusive Man looks at him. “Sedate her, I don’t care how long she’s under. If the Commander thinks that he can destroy what we’ve worked towards, we just need to give him incentive to stay in line.”_

_“What?” The woman tries to protest, but Kai Leng is too quick and puts a needle into her neck. She goes limp and falls into his arms._

_The feed ends._

Cullen’s hand slips from Kaidan’s and goes into a fist. “He has had Mia this entire time?” He grabs his gun and moves towards the door, “We’re getting her. Now.”

EDI stays behind for a moment to wipe the terminal clean and then shoots it for good measure.

The three of them move forward through the base towards the base’s center. Comms crackle and Liara reports in that they are outside the Illusive Man’s office – all of them are waiting on Cullen’s word.

“We’ve cleared the way, Commander,” She says through the earpiece.

“We’ll be right there. Is there any commotion coming from the door?”

“No, but that doesn’t mean something isn’t going on,” Liara says, “Tali’s drone is up running scans now.” Cullen cuts the feed as they come across another group of Cerberus, taking them out easily as they make their way to the nav point.

When they arrive, the rest of the crew and their small groups ae waiting outside the door as backup.

His nerves start to feel like they’re on fire, and he gets an anxious feeling in his stomach. She’s in there. He knows she is.

Cullen doesn’t say anything, he only nods as Garrus hits the door and it opens.

With a deep breath in, Cullen marches forward. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy N7 day, lovely people!!! <3


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't already gotten the idea...canon is out the airlock fully now

_“I know you’re not going to remember this conversation, Cullen.” Mia says quietly, sitting in his office in Skyhold. “You won’t even remember that I’m here. Maker, you’re not even here right now, are you?”_

_She waves her hand in front of his face, but he doesn’t really register it. He sees her walking around his quarters, the cloak she wears similar to what he’s designed for himself. But hers is bright blues and silver stone, and the rest of her outfit seems so plain._

_Why does he remember this? He doesn’t remember this. When was she in Skyhold?_

_“I was hoping I’d be able to tell you this before I left, but everything is going to shit. You know the Inquisition doesn’t need you as much as the rest of the Galaxy does. You’ll be pulled there, fully. And I don’t want you to be scared, okay? Branson and Rosalie are fine and will remain fine. They’ve never been like us. I think Ma was happy about that, you know?” Mia continues her pacing, as Cullen stares ahead, like he’s tranquil. Or half asleep. Both? He thinks now it must be both._

_“I’m going ahead of you. A group of people landed here, and I’m boarding their ship. I’m hoping that if I cut my connection to Thedas early, that you’ll follow pretty quickly after. Leilana said she’s going to do what she can to help, but I don’t know what else she’s going to be able to do.” Mia shakes her head, “I still don’t understand how she believes me, but she does. I wonder if she’ll come with us. If we come back here, would she leave with us?”_

_Mia walks back to her brother and presses a kiss to his forehead. “Your place has always been among the stars, little brother, and you’ll finally be able to see it. I cannot wait to see you finally come alive.”_

_She walks to the left and picks up his lion helmet, and puts it in a burlap sack, and slings the sack over her shoulder. “You’ll get this back. I promise. Consider it an…insurance policy. I’ll see you soon.”_

  


Cullen inhales deeply and exhales slowly, trying to control his breathing. He walks up the long and dark hallway to what he assumes is the Illusive Man’s office. He can hear Kaidan and Tali behind him, watching his back, but there is no one coming for them. Cerberus soldiers are nowhere to be found.

It’s a trap still. Though Cullen isn’t sure who set the trap anymore.

His mind is trying to sort through everything. Memories of Thedas. Memories of his family, of his siblings, of things he shouldn’t remember. When had Mia come to Skyhold? Why did she mention Leilana?

They reach the door at the end of the hallway, and Cullen hits the button. The door slides open.

He looks in and sees Mia sitting tied to the Illusive Man’s chair. He acts without thinking, “Mia!” and runs first into the room.

The door immediately shuts and locks behind him and a forcefield comes up around the edge of the room.

“Cullen!” Mia calls out, struggling against the restraints.

He runs to her side to start to work on the ropes, but there is the sound of clapping. He looks behind him to see the Illusive Man walking towards them both.

The clapping ends abruptly, and the Illusive Man laughs. “What a touching family reunion. I should have done this a long time ago, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten in my way, Shepard,” he drawls, “or is it Rutherford? Though I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it? Both names are in your military record, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out.”

Cullen trains his gun on the Illusive Man, “Why do this?” He puts his finger on the trigger but feels a throbbing pain in his head and he drops his gun. Mia makes a worried sound next to Cullen, but she doesn’t speak. The pain worsens as Cullen drops to his knees and holds his head in pain.

“Do you understand the type of power you two have? I had only heard rumors of the four Thedasians but to know that two of them were here _now_ …to take the power from you being able to be in two places at once? How powerful we could be! All our wars, done before they start!” The Illusive Man’s expensive shoes click on the tile floor, as he walks towards Cullen and Mia.

Cullen can hear Mia next to him struggling against her restraints, and Cullen struggles to look up and help. The Illusive Man glares at him and Cullen gets another shooting pain through his head.

He hands his head and sees the wires on the floor. Reaper tech. He struggles again to look up at the Illusive Man to really see him for what he was now – practically half Reaper, eyes glowing, wires starting to show under his skin. A quarter husk at this point. “You’ve already lost,” Cullen gets out, “The Reapers…they own you.”

“Own me?!” The Illusive Man laughs, “I’ve taken from _them_. I am using their power against them!”

“Are you really sure about that?” Cullen struggles to stand and puts a hand on Mia’s shoulder as he gets up. He lifts his head to look at the Illusive Man, “And what, you think you could just…take whatever Mia and I have?”

“Of course. I would have waited, but you took something valuable from me.”

“Kai Leng.”

“And now, you get to watch as I kill your sister first.” The Illusive Man walks forward.

Mia, in her chair, starts to laugh. Cullen looks at her, “Mia?”

She looks up to Cullen and grins, and just continues laughing. A full, hearty laugh, and the Illusive Man is starting to get annoyed. “Stop laughing!”

“Why?” She says between gasps of laughter, “I wouldn’t stay tied to this chair unless I wanted to be.”

“What?”

She looks to Cullen, and grins, “Hide and seek?”

For a moment, he looks at her with confusion, and then it registers.

  


_“Let’s play hide and seek!”_

_“Again? Mia you always win!”_

_“That’s just because you can’t catch me yet. You will one day! Close your eyes.”_

_“Mia, aren’t we too old for this…”_

_“Cullen, close your eyes!”_

_He sighs but obeys and feels a rush of wind around him. When he opens his eyes, Mia is gone._

  


He takes a step back, and Mia laughs, “But only this time, Cullen, don’t close your eyes.” He nods and watches her.

Before the Illusive Man can question what is going on, Cullen watches as Mia moves her fingers behind her and then light green blue waves appear around her. With a gust of wind, suddenly, she’s on the other side of the room, the chair and restraints forgotten.

“How?!” The Illusive Man screams, and it’s the distraction that Cullen needed, the hold the man had on him disappearing.

Mia starts moving around the room quickly, pushing biotics at the Illusive Man, while Cullen pulls up his shield and gets his Omni-Blade ready. The Illusive Man has been outfitted with enough Reaper tech that he’s powerful, and the pistol he uses proves to be a good one – he fires at Cullen and Mia, but Mia quickly steps in to punch him in the face before she side steps again.

He recognizes what she’s going as something he had seen Inquisitor Lavellan and Dorian practice together in the field.

Mia was fade stepping.

 _Wait._ Mia was a mage?

As she zipped around the room, the Illusive Man was firing to try to hit her, running out of bullets. Mia’s laughter was calling through the room, and Cullen took the chance to charge at him.

Distraction was at their disposal, playing on the Illusive Man’s anger was a good strategy. Mia distracts as Cullen lunges into the air behind the Illusive Man.

He pulls up his barrier, but it takes a different form around him, as he releases his Omni-Blade. The barrier curls around him like a second coat of armor, and it is – his armor he designed in Haven forms holographically around him in mid-air.

The Illusive Man turns with his gun, firing at Cullen in the air, just as the Omni-Blade makes contact with his chest. The bullet hits Cullen, and the barrier around him causes a small blast between the two men.

They both crash to the ground, but Cullen is the first to stand up. The bullet that had hit him falls off him and to the ground, not making a dent. The Illusive Man is prone on the ground, and Cullen grabs his gun that had fallen on the floor.

He aims, and as the Illusive Man twitches slightly on the ground, he fires one bullet between the eyes.

“Cullen?” Mia asks after a moment and approaches him.

The base is shaking with explosions, and Cullen looks to the door, the force field around the room falling. The door opens to Kaidan and Tali. Cullen puts his arm around Mia and helps her to the door, stepping over the Illusive Man as they go.

As they pass, Mia suddenly grabs Cullen’s gun and fires into the Illusive Man again. “What?” She asks, as Cullen looks at her incredulously. “I thought he moved.”

He just shakes his head but offers a small smile, “You and Liara are going to get along.”

The two of them move towards the door. The focus now is to get off the base.

He radios to Hackett and tells him to destroy it once they’re back on the shuttle and Normandy bound. Hackett just replies, “Gladly.”

Cronos Station explodes as the Normandy and the rest of the Alliance Fleet get away from the blast.


	44. Chapter 44

Once they’ve gotten a clear enough amount away from Cronos Station, the Normandy slows down as the rest of the Alliance fleet comes around the ship. Admiral Hackett’s boarding is met with salutes and the man stands tall as he walks towards Cullen. Cullen salutes, Hackett nods his head, and they head for the war room.

For a moment, Cullen looks behind him at Mia, who is standing with Kaidan and Liara, and Hackett notices.

“Come on,” He waves to Mia, “We may as well include you with this conversation as well.”

Cullen has to actually hide his surprise, because Mia does not hold hers as she lights up like a kid in a candy store and takes off to follow.

The three of them move towards the QEC room and call in Admiral Anderson.

“Anderson, we’re coming to you; it’s time to end this war.”

“And the Illusive Man? Cerberus?” Anderson asks, and even though it’s a hologram, Cullen can see the confusion on the man’s face as he sees the woman in the room with them.

Cullen nods his head once, “The Illusive Man is dead, and his base is destroyed. You may have some holdouts on Earth trying to help the Reapers, but the Cerberus command is gone.”

“Dead? Damn. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“I didn’t either, sir.”

Hackett gives a harsh laugh beside Cullen.

Mia, moving around the edge of the room, comes to rest against the bannister near Cullen and Hackett, but she doesn’t say anything. Anderson looks to her directly.

“Who is this?”

“Mia Rutherford,” Hackett replies, looking from Anderson to Mia.

“Rutherford?” Anderson asks, and raises an eyebrow. “Your sister, Commander?”

Cullen huffs a laugh. Anderson had read his file, had known what his name was before Commander John Shepard had taken him under his wing, but there was still a reasonable amount of surprise. Because Cullen still was not sure how his two lives fit in.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees that Mia is smiling knowingly. He doesn’t call her out on it now, but makes a note to do it later. One of many things he wants to ask her about.

“Yes,” Cullen finally replies, “My sister. But that’s for another time. What’s important now is that we’ve got the solution to finishing the crucible.”

“I’ve read the reports. We’re keeping the Reapers here as distracted as we can, but we need to set things up soon. I don’t know how much manpower we have left here.” Anderson nods, and adjusts his hat. “The sooner we end this war, the better.”

Cullen nods, “Agreed. The Citadel is being protected by the Turian and Quarian fleet, while we move it closer to Earth.”

“The Crucible is on the move being protected by Asari, Geth, Salarian STG, and half of the Alliance fleet. The rest of the Alliance fleet with be joining with the Citadel,” Hackett adds in, “As soon as things are connected, the Commander will board the Citadel and activate the Crucible.”

“And ground support?”

“We already have a large amount of military support coming your way,” Cullen replies to Anderson, “Urdnot Wrex is bringing his clan, along with some of the best Turian military.”

Anderson huffs out a laugh at Wrex’s name, and grins, “We might just win this yet. Good. Alert me when you’ve come into orbit. We’ll keep fighting, son, just get this weapon ready.” Anderson nods once, and looks to Hackett, giving the same nod. “Hackett.”

“Anderson.” Hackett replies with a small uptick of his lips, and a nod. Anderson cuts the feed, and Hackett turns to Cullen and to Mia.

For the first time, Mia pushes off the wall and comes to stand next to her brother. Hackett looks at the two of them, and gives an honest smile that Cullen isn’t sure he had ever seen before. It seems like something familiar almost. Warm. A look that his mother had given him when he was little, a smile of pride and honesty.

Cullen raised his eyebrow as he looked at Mia and then looked back at Hackett, as he realized that both of them were looking at him expectantly.

Like there was a connection he needed to make.

_Cullen’s mother is in the yard, hanging up clothing. He’s used to her looking distracted, but this afternoon looks different. “Mom?”_

_He calls out to her a few times before lightly tugging on her apron, and suddenly warmth comes back to her face and she looks down to smile at Cullen. “Hello sweetheart,” She says softly, as she bends down to meet his eye level. “Is everything alright?”_

_“You looked sad, Mom,” little Cullen says, and his mother sighs._

_“I was…just thinking of my brother.” She says, her face trying to hide the sadness that she feels, but she pats the top of Cullen’s head. He may be little, but he can tell she’s hiding something._

_“Uncle Steven?”_

_“Yes, honey. I hope you can meet him someday,” She says softly as she stands back up and continues folding the clothes. “I think you’d like him.”_

_“Would I?” Cullen asks, as he tries to pull damp clothes out of the basket to hand up to her, and she ruffles his hair with a laugh._

_“You would. He’s…” She starts to say, and gets a contemplative look on her face, “A Templar, of sorts. Not quite one, but he’s had training.”_

_“A Templar!? Mom!”_

_She laughs, “I know honey, maybe one day he can teach you something.”_

_“That would be wonderful!”_

_She laughs again, as she bends down presses a kiss to Cullen’s forehead. “It would. Now run along and go find your sister, okay?”_

Cullen inhales sharply and as his eyes refocus and the headache begins to fade, his eyes move to Hackett and Mia both staring at him. He swallows hard and finds himself taking a step back.

Hackett’s smile fades instantly, and he nods in understanding. He starts to say something, but Cullen shakes his head and holds up his hand. “No, I…” He rubs at his temples and clears his throat. "I guess I should have seen this coming,” He says with a shrug. He stands a little straighter, and his eyes move quickly to Mia, before looking over to Hackett. “My memories keep unlocking at inopportune times, and we don’t have the time to…dive into everything,” he finishes.

“So, you know—” Hackett starts, with hesitation, but Mia interrupts.

“Cullen, this is mom’s brother, don’t be so damned rude.” She practically huffs it out, and Cullen immediately shoots a look at her.

“Mia! I am sorry if all of this is hard for me to understand, considering I am _still_ coming to terms with being _here_ instead of Thedas!” He throws his hands up in frustration, “Apologies if I do not immediately jump to a family happy reunion, when I was not aware that I was even _around_ family all this time!”

His frustration is bubbling under the surface, threatening to boil over. Every step forward means there are five steps back, and the poor timing of _everything_ is never lost on him. He paces around the small room, while Mia looks frustrated and Hackett is stoic.

“Cullen,” Hackett carefully treads, and Cullen looks to him. “I promised you that we would go to Thedas after the war. I intend to keep my promise.”

“You withheld information from me,” Cullen is quick to reply. “ _Again_.”

“I gave you all the information that was important, I left out only one small detail.”

“I am not sure how our relation is a _small_ detail.”

“At the time, it would only distract you.”

“And now?”

Hackett sighs, and allows himself a shrug of his shoulders. “My intention was to speak to you after we retook Earth. I did not expect Mia would be in the equation.” He looks to both Cullen and Mia, and while Cullen stares back with no emotion, Mia is thankfully quiet. Hackett continues, stands a little straighter, “We focus on the task. We defeat the Reapers. We win this war. Then, we talk.”

There is a level of command in his voice that Cullen doesn’t want to disobey, and he just nods. “Yes, sir.” He salutes and ignores how strange it feels.

Hackett doesn’t say anything, he only nods and leaves the room. The door opens, and Cullen moves to the QEC terminal, tightly holding onto the metal bar as he listens to the war room door open and shut. He can feel Mia walking around behind him.

Joker radios and announces that Hackett has left the ship and they are making a course for Earth. “ETA 4 hours, Commander.”

“Thanks, Joker,” Cullen replies, as he pushes off the metal bar and starts to head out of the room, to only be met with Mia grabbing his arm.

“Cullen! You can’t just walk away after…”

“No. We’re not talking—”

“ _Andraste’s ass_ we’re not talking! We need to after—”

“ _Mia,”_ He cuts her off again, “Not _here_.”

Mia’s anger subsides as she understands. “Where?”

“My quarters. EDI will soundproof it.” He leads the way out of the war room and towards the elevators.

“Soundproof, huh?” Mia smirks, “I bet that comes in handy with…”

“ _Don’t_.” Cullen warns, as they reach the elevator and head in.

Mia laughs, and as much as Cullen wants to be angry, a small part of him allows himself a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts on the story! Comments are love! And thank you so much for the over 2k views!


	45. Chapter 45

Watching his older sister pace around his quarters is not something he ever expected to see. Because he had never expected to see her again. And maybe pacing around the room isn’t the right phrase for what she’s doing. She’s examining everything, using her Omni-Tool to scan, and looks awfully comfortable where she was.

He leans forward, sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, but stays quiet. She walks up the stairs to his desk, to where his papers and data pads are, and he looks down at his hands.

When he looks back up, she’s holding the photo from the Normandy SR-1 crew. “So, you remember this?”

“We haven’t seen each other in _years,_ we see each other again in _space_ , and you’re asking me about a photo?”

“Yeah. Since you’re not speaking, I figured I have to break the ice somehow.”

“Mia, how are you even here?”

She sighs softly, as she moves around the coffee table and sits down on the couch next to him. She puts the holophoto frame on the table and looks at it. “You were _you_ in this photo,” She says, “I can tell by the look in your eye and the small smile. All the official photographs of Commander Shepard are these stoic photos of a man who…well, isn’t really you. _This_ is you.”

His eyes move to the frame, and back to her. “You’re not answering my question.”

“Aren’t I?”

“No.”

“What do you remember?”

“I remember my childhood, but there are two of them. Here and Thedas. I remember chasing _you_ around. I remember my life in the Templar Order, in Kirkwall, but everything here I remember too. Enlisting in the Alliance. N7 training.” He sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair and allows himself to fall into the couch at bit more.

“But there were always blank spots, right?”

“Yeah.”

Mia nods, “You and I…. we’re like Mom.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you remember of Grandma and Grandpa?”

“Nothing,” Cullen says and Mia nods.

“Exactly.”

He sighs in frustration. “Mia, you’re not making any sense.”

“Okay, okay.” She shifts on the couch, and tucks one leg under the other. “Mom’s dad was from here. From _Earth_. Grandpa was an explorer, and one of the very first to find Thedas. It was where he met Grandma. A biotic military man from Earth, meeting a circle mage from Orlais, it was very taboo _. If_ , people understood just how strange it was, _but_ Grandpa hid it well. He decided that life with her was more important than being back on Earth. So, they stayed in Thedas, and had two kids. Mom and Uncle Steven.”

Cullen’s face curled in confusion and opened his mouth to speak but Mia just shook her head. “Listen, if you don’t let me try to explain it, we’ll never get things to where they need to be. Okay?”

“Fine,” He nodded, “continue.”

Mia smiled, “Good.” She patted him on the shoulder and inhaled deeply. “So, when Mom was born, she was given the powers of a mage. What _we_ knew in Thedas as a mage, and those are the powers she has. Uncle Steven didn’t have any powers in the respect that we had, but he took after Grandpa and went for military. The one thing that they had, that our grandparents didn’t understand, was what _I_ have. The ability to time travel. Not in that I can go back and forward in time, but I can will myself to be somewhere else at the exact same time. Mom told me that her and our Uncle discovered it accidentally when they were fighting in the field. One moment, they were outside by the house, the next they were watching as spaceships were flying over their heads. It took them a week to figure it out and get home, and when they did…there was a lot of explaining to do.”

As Mia spoke, Cullen stood up and paced away from the couch. He held his hands together, rubbing his thumb over his hand. “If they could ‘travel’ like that, why did we never meet him?” He asked, looking at his hands.

“Because he had already decided life was better for him _here,”_ Mia gestured around the Normandy, and gestured towards the window above them. “Mom would visit him from time to time when she could. Remember how she would disappear for a week? It’s because she ‘traveled’ to see him. Dad understood it, as much as he could. And when I was born with the same ability, they knew how to handle it. You were…different.”

Cullen stopped pacing and looked up at Mia. “Different _how_ exactly?”

Mia swallowed hard, and nervously tapped her fingers against her knee. When she didn’t answer immediately, Cullen pressed forward, “ _Mia_. Different how?”

“Are you sure this isn’t information overload?”

“We’re on our way to fight the Reapers, and there is a chance this is a suicide mission, so how about you just tell me?”

She scrunched her nose, “Maker’s breath, you’re still stubborn.”

“Not as stubborn as you.”

“ _Fine!_ ” She rolled her eyes, “But stop pacing, and sit back down.”

Cullen narrowed his eyes and glared at her, but there was no heat behind it. He moved to the couch and sat down again next to her.

“Start talking,” he quietly said, and Mia frowned.

“Mom told me this in hopes that I would never tell you, just so you know.” She warned, but Cullen didn’t stop her from continuing. She sighed, “When Mom was pregnant with you, she really missed Uncle. So, she traveled when she could, but further down the pregnancy, it was harder for her to get the strength. When she went into labor at home, the pain was so strong that one moment she was here, and the next she was giving birth in her brother’s apartment. You were conceived in Thedas but born on Earth and that created a…I still don’t understand what it created, if I’m honest. But Mom managed to travel back with you, with Uncle’s help, a few days later.”

“Mom said that she hoped it hadn’t meant anything bad for you, and she didn’t see any signs that you were a traveler. But you would sometimes black out and tell her stories about her brother, or you’d wake up holding a little toy spaceship. She thought you were traveling, but she stayed up one night to watch you carefully. You didn’t ever leave the bed, but when you woke up and opened your hand, once more you were holding something from her brother. She said it was a coin?”

“Anyway, it became clear that you could be in two places at once, because she’d travel and see you with her brother and his friend, and when she’d travel back, she’d see you playing outside with Dad in the yard like you had never left. Because you hadn’t. But, Cullen, come on. You had to know _something_ was going on with you, right?” She reached out to take his hand and squeezed it before she let go.

Cullen swallowed hard. He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out what he was looking for and held it up to Mia. His lucky coin, that he had for as long as he could remember. He had always been told his uncle gave it to him, but he hadn’t been sure who his uncle had been – he had never been able to remember anything of the sort. Or ever being given a coin.

And as he twisted the coin in his hand, he noticed little details he had never noticed before. The date of the coin, 2234. The face on the coin, no one he recognized. The words “Alliance – Earth” on the coin. Things he had never seen before, or perhaps they were always there, and he never realized it.

He handed the coin to Mia, and she flipped it over in her hands, looking at it with wide eyes. “You have it still?”

“Yeah,” Cullen nodded, as he held his hand back out for it, and she returned it. He flipped the coin in his hand a few more times before returning it to his pocket.

The two of them fell silent, as Cullen tried to understand everything she had said. She had been right, it _was_ information overload, but perhaps that was the only way for him to get the information he had needed. He had tried getting into databases, he had tried asking questions, and no one was giving him what he needed.

But he more he tried to get comfortable with the information, the more he had questions. Why was he only getting his memories of both lives back now? Why was his life in Thedas more prominent in his mind than his life on Earth? Why was he, known as Shepard, a different hardened man than the man he actually was? Why was he here and not –

“I can’t travel back to Thedas,” He said, cutting the silence. “I have dreams of Thedas, and sometimes I think I’m conversing with people from the Inquisition, but I can’t…I haven’t been able to return there.”

Mia nodded, “Because that’s not where you belong,” she said with a shrug. “My theory is that your mind was trying to consolidate for years, and when something was powerful enough to force you somewhere else for your safety, instead of part of you going, _all_ of you went.”

The rifts they were fighting outside of Redcliffe Castle. A force of the blast of one of those, and then the blast of the Kenson’s explosions.

He blinked with an understanding and gave out an amused scoff. “That…may be correct.”

Mia laughed, but she didn’t pry. “I knew eventually, it would happen. I saw you sort of…lose more and more of yourself every year. Leliana would write to me and tell me what was going on.” Her smile that she had from her laughter faded, “I came to visit you at your worst, and you just…you weren’t there. Leliana said you had been sitting in your quarters for two days, not moving.”

The memory he got from Cronos Station came flooding back. “You said you were cutting your ties to Thedas in hopes that I’d follow. Why?”

“I knew what was happening here. With the Reapers,” Mia shrugged, her arms crossing over her chest. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you. Or as much as I could, without being seen by you. Which, okay I know how that sounds.” She said quickly and sighed. “But Hackett was looking out for you as much as I was, and when I heard about the great _Commander Shepard_ and saw what he looked like…”

Cullen frowned, and ran a hand through his hair. “I wish all of this was easy to understand, and it would involve me not getting a massive headache.”

“I know.”

“But how did you know that I’d follow you?”

“I found that you tend to be thrown to one way of your life when you’re needed more. Or if you need to be protected. The other part of you kept going when you were more present elsewhere. Or…when part of you died.” Mia sighed and shifted, unwrapping her arms from across her chest. “What you have, or can do, is different than me, I don’t know everything, Cullen. I know what I have observed, and what I’ve experienced for myself. But I _do_ think that you go where you’re needed, and you were needed here.” She leaned froward and grabbed her brother’s hand, “I don’t think this war could have been won if you weren’t here.”

Cullen gave her hand a squeeze, “Tali said the same thing.” He sighed once more, and moved his hand away, rubbing it over his chin, “I still don’t fully understand everything, but I think…there isn’t enough time right now. I’m just glad you’re here.” He smiled, and shifted on the couch, his eyes catching to an object on his desk. “Wait, I have a question – do you know why the Reapers had my helmet?”

Mia laughed, “The Reapers didn’t have your helmet, _I_ did. I took it with me.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew when you saw it, you’d understand there was something larger going on.”

“How did you get it?”

“Leliana called me to Skyhold, and I took it when you were…elsewhere.” Her eyes darted way for the briefest of moments, and Cullen sighed.

“Right,” He said with a nod. “And now did the Illusive Man find you? How did he even know who you were, Mia?”

The expression changed on her face as she stood up from the couch. She brushed off her shoulders and sighed, looking around the room, but not at him. “You have to promise that you won’t get upset.”

At those words, Cullen felt _fear_ creep up with him, and he took a deep breath in. “Mia, just tell me.”

“Cullen, promise me.”

“I think we’re a little old for promises like that,” He replied.

He watched her as she took her time to meet his gaze, took her time to get herself feeling comfortable. She walked over to the small desk between the bed and the couch, where his old broken N7 helmet sat. She picked it up, and ran her fingers across the broken edges, and spoke to the helmet instead of him.

“I was working with Cerberus when they rebuilt you. That’s…how he knows me. I worked on the Lazarus Project.”

“Excuse me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter this week! Hope you enjoyed! Taking a break from posting next week, as I've got some things to take care of IRL, but posting will resume right after! 
> 
> Happy almost December (and almost end to 2020!)


	46. Chapter 46

“What do you mean you were working were Cerberus?” Cullen asks Mia, as he shifts on the couch away from her slightly. There is a pain in her eyes when he does this, but he can’t help his gut reaction.

“Cullen,” Mia started, her hands out in a placating manner, but Cullen just inhaled sharply.

“Just _talk_ Mia.” And though she nodded, he stood up and got off the couch again, running his hand through his hair, turning his back to her as he stared at the fish tank.

He couldn’t see her reaction, he couldn’t see how she looked at him, and he just waited.

“It was…” She pauses, as if she’s looking for the correct words, “Admiral Hackett’s idea. He knew that the Illusive Man had you, because Liara told him. He couldn’t trust anyone in the Alliance or anyone in Cerberus, obviously. I had come in to see him for a visit, and he informed me what happened. That _here_ , there was a rumor that Shepard’s body was recovered.”

Cullen sighed, and looked over his shoulder, as he shifted to cross his arms over his chest. “And you knew that was me, at this point?”

“Yeah. Do you remember what happened when you died here?”

He looked away from her and at the ceiling, “We were attacked, and I got spaced—”

“—no,” Mia gently interrupted. Cullen looked at her again, to see her getting up off the couch and walking towards him. “ _In Thedas_.”

Cullen looked at her with confusion for a moment.

Mia sighed, “When was the last time you remembered both the days and nights instead of blacking out?”

“When I was in Kirkwall.”

“And what happened in Kirkwall?” She gently prodded.

In that small moment, he started to understand. The growing chaos of the city, the war that Meredith was so determined to rage against Hawke and their friends. It had ended in blood, but it had been where he was needed at the time.

Two years before Meredith’s death, Cullen had woken up in his room gasping for air as if he had lost the ability to breathe. After that, he knew what happened every night, until he left Kirkwall after Meredith’s death with Cassandra.

Cullen blinked a few times and shook his head. “So, while I could remember Kirkwall…”

“You were under the knife _here_. I was helping Miranda rebuild you, and I did what I could to keep you safe. Once you awoke here, I did my best to try to help you,” She walked over to him, and shrugged, “The dossiers that you were given were from me. I even tried to get our Uncle to send some others from your former crew but…”

She looked at Cullen with a knowing look, and he nodded, “He was on a classified assignment on Horizon.”

“Exactly. I thought that if anyone could help you fully realize yourself here, it would be _him_ , but Hackett didn’t want to say anything to the Major.”

His hand moved behind his neck, as he rubbed it, “It ended up working out in the end, I think.” He could feel his cheeks going red, and Mia laughed. But luckily, she didn’t press on it. “But why didn’t you reach out sooner?”

Mia sighed, and she rubbed at her eyes for a moment and shrugged, “I couldn’t. Kai Leng was actually the first person to figure out who I really was. He told the Illusive Man, and the day you blew up the Collector base was when he captured me. I was ‘held hostage’ ever since.” She said, making appropriate air quotes.

Cullen smirked at that, remembering her comments on the base. That she was _letting_ the Illusive Man keep her captive. “Still, he could have killed you.”

“He tried. But then realized I was a better bargaining chip alive. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t reach out to others though. I traveled home when I knew the cameras were turned off – I’d get an hour each day. So when that hour came, I traveled to Thedas, I visited Leliana, I tried to get through to you in Haven and then Skyhold. It never worked. And when you finally came _here_ , I couldn’t reach you at all. So, I had to go through other means, and Leliana gave them the idea.”

“Them?”

“The Inquisitor and Dorian.”

Cullen inhaled sharply at the sound of Dorian’s name, and his eyebrows narrowed. Mia made a face, as if to ask him what was wrong, until her eyes looked to be of understanding. “Wait, were you…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Andraste’s ass, Cullen. I didn’t know, Leliana said you two were friends, and him and the Inquisitor were the only mages that I trusted to get through to—”

“—it’s alright, Mia,” His hand rested on her shoulder. “In a way, you helped me work through some things.” He squeezed her shoulder before he let go. “I have so many other questions but…right now this will have to be enough.”

She nodded, “We’ve only a few hours out, right?”

“I think so.”

“Well,” She said with a clap of her hands, “I’m starving, why don’t you show me around and I’ll see what trouble I can get up to?”

Cullen raised an eyebrow, as Mia started for the door, and he followed her. “Don’t get into too much trouble though? Most of the crew only just found out we’re related.”

“Eh, I promise I won’t bother _everyone_ ,” She said, as they headed out the quarters and to the elevator. The doors opened and the two of them entered, heading down to the crew floor. “I just want to bother some. Like the doctor!”

“Which one?” Cullen smirked.

“Both! I keep forgetting the Shadow Broker is a doctor…”

“You know she’s the Shadow Broker?” He raised an eyebrow, as the doors pinged and opened. They walked out and turned into the mess hall.

“She doesn’t exactly hide it. Honestly? She’s not great at the secrets. I should help her with that.”

As they entered the opening, James and Garrus were bantering over who was the better solder, and Tali and Liara were at the table watching them. Cullen and Mia joined Tali and Liara, with Mia sitting down next to Tali, and Cullen standing.

“They’re at it again?” He asked, with a chuckle, and Tali nodded and gave off a frustrated sound.

“ _Keelah_ , they won’t shut up!” She shook her head, and next to her, Mia laughed.

“Darlings, you’re both pretty! Stop the bickering!” Mia laughed, and James and Garrus just turned to look at Mia with a bit of a shocked expression before James was the first to break with a laugh. Liara snickered, and Tali hummed in approval.

James smirked towards Cullen, “Loco, I like this one.”

“ _No_ , James.”

“But!”

“She’s my _sister_.”

“Psh,” James scoffed, waving Cullen off as he joined them at the table. As the chatter got louder around him, Cullen looked around the open space, not seeing or finding who he was looking for. 

He went to say something, but the others were so engrossed in talking with each other, and finding out who Mia was, that they didn’t notice him slip away towards the Observatory. As the laughter got louder from the mess hall, Cullen entered the Observatory, the doors opening and then closing behind him with a soft sound.

The noise and the laughter from the mess hall was cut off as the doors shut, and all that there was, was the hum of the ship, and the flicker of the lights above.

He had entered the room, expecting to find Kaidan here, but found he was alone.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“How much longer until our arrival?”

“2.5 hours.”

The comm clicks off, as Cullen makes his way to the couch, and sits down to look out the window at the stars.

How many times in his life did he do exactly this; stare out into the sky and wonder why it always seemed to comfort him more than he wanted to admit? How many times did he wish he could feel _whole_ , and not like something was always missing?

Too many times.

There were too many questions he still did not have answered. An hour and a half conversation with Mia wasn’t going to explain away years of wondering what he was missing, and certainly wasn’t about to warm him to any family connections that he hadn’t even realized was there.

But he had a family here. Though, he supposed he always had. The Normandy crew had always been his family, so now, it had just grown a bit more.

He wondered about Branson and Rosalie, and how they were. He should have asked Mia, maybe he still would. Maybe there would be time after the war, when the Reapers were defeated, and he could finally try to settle into a life here.

And it hit him that it was a _when_ the Reapers were defeated, not an _if_ , and that bolstered his confidence. They had the solutions to end the war. Cullen wanted to make sure he was going to be around for the after. He wanted to see what his life could be like here. He wanted to explore what he was now, _who_ he was now.

Behind him, the door to the room opened, and Cullen turned to see who it was.

Though, he didn’t need to actually look, given how his heart jumped.

And in walked the other reason Cullen wanted to make sure he was around after the war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So IRL things cleared up sooner, so here's another update! 
> 
> And have you ever had an idea in your head, and it wouldn't go away until you wrote it? Well that happened to me - a new story is up on my profile that pertains to ME:A, so if you're interested, check it out!


	47. Chapter 47

“I was looking all over for you,” Kaidan spoke softly as he walked into the room and took his familiar seat next to Cullen. “I should have guessed you’d be in here.”

Cullen just hummed a reply, and as Kaidan settled to sit next to him, he leaned in and stole a kiss for a moment. The tender kiss broke after a minute, with both men smiling.

Kaidan took Cullen’s hand into his and looked out to the stars. “You know, I look back on everything I’ve done these past years, everything I’ve gone through, and I don’t think there is a lot that I’d do differently.”

“Not a lot, meaning there is some?”

“Well, yeah, sure. There’s some things I wish I did over.”

Cullen watched Kaidan’s expressions, the look he had as he looked out to the stars, a content man sat before him. “Like?”

Kaidan turned and looked at Cullen then, and shrugged. “I would have joined you on Horizon.”

There was a small chuckle that escaped Cullen that he couldn’t hide, “No you wouldn’t have.”

“What?” Kaidan laughed, “Why do you say that?”

“I wasn’t _me_ then. And it was Cerberus, you would have defected from the Alliance for that. I would have hated knowing you did that.”

There was a look that Kaidan was about to protest the thought, but then he shrugged, “I suppose you’re right. I just…I wish I had done more.”

“I think you did what you could. I couldn’t have asked you to join that mission. Especially since we weren’t sure we’d come back alive.”

“Fair. I just think back on the years that I wasted, that we lost, and—” Cullen cut Kaidan off with another kiss, and when it parted, Kaidan chuckled, “What was that for?”

“We can’t change the past. And yeah, so we have some time to make up for. But wouldn’t you rather have that time now, that future now that I’m here?” Cullen softly smiled, “I don’t know what is going to happen after the war, but I am going to fight like hell to stay here with you. You know that, right?”

Kaidan nodded in reply, a smile that followed with it. He shifted and put his arm around Cullen’s shoulders and Cullen leaned into the embrace.

They stayed in blissful silence, before Kaidan broke it again.

“How is your sister doing?”

“Well enough,” Cullen said.

“And now are _you_ doing?”

“Well enough,” Cullen repeated, and smirked when Kaidan pinched his arm. “It’s a lot of information, what we discussed. A lot of things changed, and a lot of things have stayed the same. There are still so many questions that I have, but we don’t have time to get into them all. After the war, we will.”

Kaidan’s hand was strong on Cullen’s shoulder, his other hand resting on Cullen’s thigh, Cullen’s hand resting over it. “I look forward to helping you get your answers, Cullen.”

Cullen smiled at that. “Did you know that I have an uncle here?”

Kaidan shifted beside him, and Cullen sat up more as Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “You do? Anyone I might know?”

“Yep,” Cullen nodded, “Hackett.”

Kaidan’s eyes went wide at the information, his jaw practically on the ground. “You’re shitting me.”

Cullen chuckled at Kaidan’s reaction, “Like I said, a lot of things changed and it’s a lot of information. So, it means that he was withholding even _more_ information than he admitted to before. But after all this, we’ll sort it out. It’s just bizarre. I went from never feeling like I had anyone, to…” Cullen blinked, shaking his head in amazement, “To just…having an overwhelming amount of support.”

Both grew quiet again, Kaidan taking Cullen’s hand into his own, and gently rubbing his thumb against his skin. “What do you want to do, once we’re no longer fighting wars?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, what do you want to see? What do you hope to do?” Kaidan asked, “For me, for example, once we’ve helped people rebuild, I’d like to go to places I’ve never been before. Go to the beach, maybe. I’ve never been on a tropical vacation.”

Cullen chuckled, “I haven’t either.”

“See?” Kaidan lit up, “It’s a good idea! We could find a private island with a villa, just nothing but sand and ocean…”

“…drinks with little umbrellas…”

“…very little clothing…” Cullen felt his cheeks burn up at Kaidan’s words, causing a laugh from the other man. “I like that I get that reaction out of you.”

Rolling his eyes, Cullen chuckled, “Yeah, I know.” He paused, “Do you want to know what I want to do, when all this is over?”

“Of course, I asked, didn’t I?”

“I’m thinking of…putting down roots. Retiring from military life and enjoying a real life. I, well, I’ve never had the chance to just _live_ before.”

“You know, I like the idea of that too.”

“Enough that you’d want to put down roots with me?”

Kaidan seemed shocked by the idea, surprised that Cullen would even ask, and Cullen found that endeared him to him more. He was so used to people using him for his kindness, that for Kaidan to look _surprised_ , it was like another world.

In a way, he supposed it still was.

“ _Commander_ , are you asking me to move in with you?” Kaidan finally replied, a smirk on his lips, and a raise of his eyebrows.

Yeah, that reaction was worth it, Cullen thought.

“Why, _Major_ , I believe that I am.”

If there were any other words that Cullen was going to say, it was cut off by Kaidan’s lips rough on him, pulling Cullen into him fiercely.

The chances were that there was a 50/50 chance of them surviving the war. There was also a 50/50 chance that if they survived, Cullen may disappear completely. He’d focus on the now, he’d focus in the moment.

He’d live. He’d finally, fully, _live_.


	48. Chapter 48

“Commander, are you seeing this?”

“Yeah, Joker.”

“It’s…”

“Unbelievable?”

“I was going to go with ‘insane’, but unbelievable also works.”

Jumping out of the Mass Relay, it was a sight that Cullen never really thought he’d see: every fleet in the Galaxy, working together, defending the Crucible, bringing it to the Citadel.

Of course, the moment they all broke through the Relay, the Reapers knew what was going on. Despite that, despite the battle that was raging among the stars, it was still a sight Cullen never thought he’d see.

Cooperation. Fighting against a common enemy.

He knew of people that would benefit from that type of thinking, but they were far away from him now, and by all proof, disappeared.

Truthfully, Thedas and everything it was (and was not) was still more confusing to Cullen than he wished to admit.

“Hitting Stealth Drive. Bringing us close to the Citadel, Commander, but you’re gonna have to take a shuttle to it. I don’t want to risk the Reapers catching onto it,” Joker continued, hands moving quickly over the dials of the flight command.

“Got it. I’ll get a crew and head to the shuttle bay.” Cullen turned to move, but Joker’s chair turned around.

“Commander – erm, Cullen, wait.” Joker cleared his throat, “Listen, I just want to say it’s been an honor fighting with you.”

Cullen knew that speech too well. He had given something similar through his years; a speech that would be to honor his fellow soldiers as they went into a battle they might not survive from. “Joker, you don’t have to do that.”

“Do what? Tell the truth? Listen, I get that we all have our secrets—”

“No, I mean act like we’re not going to fight our asses off to survive this war. You’re not getting rid of me yet.”

Joker laughed but saluted anyway. Cullen shook his head, the smallest of smiles on his lips.

“Take us as close in as you can get, I’ll take the shuttle to the Citadel, confirm the Crucible is docked correctly. Take the rest of the crew and get to Earth – Anderson needs backup on the ground.”

“And what about the Reapers groundside? They’ve got pretty large cannons, it’s suicide.”

EDI turned her head from the side, and looked to Cullen and Joker, “I have a solution for that, Jeff. The Commander and I have already spoken about it.”

“Yeah, well great, any time you want to fill me in…” Joker started, raising an eyebrow in faux annoyance, but turned his attention towards EDI.

Cullen took the opportunity to walk away, because it was better than standing there and telling Joker that he was certain they would all survive.

After all, they had survived a suicide mission before, right?

_“Keelah, it was a suicide mission and we survived it!” Tali celebrates by taking another drink from her straw – sorry, emergency induction port - and laughs. “I didn’t think we were going to.”_

_“Really?” Garrus mutters, shifting on the couch as he takes another drink from his own bottle, “You seemed pretty sure of it before.”_

_“I was trying to be the…oh what is they word…optimist!” Tali turned in her chair and gestured at Garrus, “You should try it once in a while!”_

_Cullen grabbed another drink from the bar, and headed over to the open armchair, sticking his feet out on the ottoman in front of him. Joker was flying the ship towards a place they could lay low for a while, and EDI was making it so the Illusive Man couldn’t follow them. Miranda was coming in and out of the room, refilling her drinks but not sure if she should stay or not._

_Cullen understood – it was a small gathering of the original Normandy crew. But Miranda also wasn’t dealing with the loss of Jacob, and truthfully Cullen was hurting on the loss of Jacob and Thane as well. It was always hard losing someone under your command._

_It was harder losing someone because of your actions towards them – something Cullen couldn’t change with how ‘Shepard’ had treated Thane. It would weigh on him, as everything else ever did. Eventually the weight would swallow him if he let it._

_“You two bicker like an old married couple,” Cullen commented, immediately looking at Garrus’ reaction. Which, it was a strange facial expression that lead to Garrus coughing and suddenly thinking he had to go calibrate something. When he left the room, Cullen laughed and Tali sighed heavily._

_“You’re an ass.”_

_“Are you ever going to tell him?”_

_“Are you ever going to talk to Kaidan?”_

_Cullen inhaled sharply, “Low blow, Tali.”_

_She hummed and took another drink, “Is it? We just survived a suicide mission! Don’t you think it is the perfect time to declare things?”_

_He scoffed, “No. One, I have…been drinking too much for that. Two, you and I both know I’m not going to be here in two hours anyway. So, what’s the point?” The shift had started to be like clockwork now, and he could time it exactly. For all of the mission on the Collector Base, Cullen had been in charge. But it was only a matter of time before he disappeared again, and he knew Tali would have to explain everything._

_He figured if he got drunk enough, Shepard would be passed out for a few hours, giving everyone else on board a bit of a reprieve._

_“The point is,” Tali said, “We survived. We made it. The Galaxy can be wonderful if we know where to look, right? Okay, so yeah, maybe neither of us are going to tell those men what we think of them, but…we have each other. So,” She lifted her glass, “To friends?”_

_“No,” Cullen shook his head, and Tali tilted her head to the side in confusion, before Cullen finished, “To family.”_

_“To family,” Tali repeated, and Cullen swore he could hear the smile she had. “But seriously, Cullen, imagine how hot you two could be! I bet they’d even make a vid about it! ‘The Commander and The Major’, I could be a whole series of romantic vids!!!”_

_“I hate you,” Cullen laughed._

They had to survive because they had beaten the odds before. There was no other explanation. He could do the impossible, _Maker_ , he _was_ impossible at times, but they’d survive.

Because Cullen didn’t really want to think about what would happen if they didn’t.

He made his way to the shuttle bay, to find most of the crew getting ready for their parts – everyone knew what they had to do.

Waiting at the shuttle he was going to take, was Kaidan and Mia. Cullen considered them both for a moment, and he raised an eyebrow, about to protest when Mia shook her head. “Nope, no argument, I’m coming with you.”

Beside her, Kaidan laughed, “Oh, I like you.”

“Careful, you already have one Rutherford, Alenko, I don’t think you could handle _two_ ,” Mia replied, and Cullen groaned.

“ _Maker’s breath,_ can I not have that image in my head please?”

The laughter was a way to lighten the mood, to stop thinking about what they had to do – while the rest of the crew was heading for Earth, they had a far more important job.

Because the Crucible wasn’t going to fire itself.


	49. Chapter 49

Everyone on the Normandy had a job. Most of the crew was delivered to Earth first, once EDI managed to take down the canons the Reapers had set up – Cullen didn’t fully understand what exactly she had done, but she had mentioned something about schematics downloaded from Cronos Station and Cullen wasn’t going to press it further.

Cerberus was sort of EDI’s thorn in her side. A connection she would never be rid of, and a connection that – if it were determined to destroy them – she would need to take care of on her own terms.

He wasn’t sure how she managed to further cripple what was left of the Cerberus organization, and Cullen didn’t feel it right to ask. But as he heard through the comms that Cerberus and the cannons were down, Anderson’s voice filtered through. Shouting commands, giving a rousing speech.

Members of the Normandy were down on Earth, making a push to the Reaper stronghold, while Cullen, Mia, and Kaidan piloted the shuttle to the Citadel.

Steve had protested, said that he should be the one to bring the Commander there, but Cullen fought back – he needed the guarantee that their men and women on Earth had a fighting chance to arrive there alive. Steve didn’t want to agree to it – and Cullen understood – but eventually he relented.

There was nothing else to do but to get to the Citadel.

The arms to the Citadel were already starting to close, a protective measure undoubtedly set up when it was built – but there were still plenty of docking stations available.

“The connection is on the upper levels, towards the center of the station,” Mia pointed to the screen, Kaidan piloting the shuttle, Cullen standing behind him.

“Where Sovereign went,” Kaidan replied with understanding, and Cullen nodded. Mia looked at both of them with a raise eyebrow, but if she had a question, she didn’t ask it.

At this rate, Cullen wasn’t sure he’d be able to answer any questions that she might have had anyway.

The battle was raging on around them, and Kaidan was piloting them around the fire of the ships and Reapers, but it was starting to become a close call.

Closer and closer to the Citadel they got, as a Reaper caught wind of them and sent out an Oculus to fire upon them.

“Shit! Hold on, this is going to get rough!”

“Rougher than it already is?”

“Just hold on!”

The shuttle didn’t have updated armory like the Normandy had when they stormed the Collector Base.

One wrong move, and the shuttle would be hit and potentially ripped to shreds.

“It’s gaining on us, Major!” Mia frowned.

“I know! We’re almost there!”

Cullen pointed to the docking bay at the edge of one of the Citadel arms, “There! Go!”

The Oculus made contact, its laser hitting the Shuttle’s side, and all three on board activated their space helmets, as the Shuttle went crashing into the Citadel atmosphere and towards the docking bay.

Alarms beeping wildly, the shuttle smoking, there was no way it was going to make a smooth landing.

“Everyone, hold on!” Cullen said as he gripped the back of Kaidan’s chair, and Mia gripped onto the arms of her own chair.

The shuttle crashed through the Citadel atmosphere guard, and the three only managed a few minutes to escape before the shuttle exploded behind them.

Immediately Cullen and Kaidan pulled out their rifles, and Mia held out her hands, magic swirling around her.

But the Oculus hadn’t followed them into the Citadel.

Despite the explosion of the shuttle, around them was silence. No sign of life, no movement.

Cullen turned to look out past the atmosphere guard to the fight, and any Reaper or Reaper controlled ship that came close to get them, immediately turned away when they got close to the Citadel.

“That’s…huh.” Kaidan muttered, lowering his gun. “Why do you think that is?”

Mia’s magic simmered and disappeared, “The Reapers built the Citadel. Chances are, they don’t want to see it destroyed.”

“But if we start the Crucible, they lose,” Kaidan replied, “So why wouldn’t you sacrifice the pawn to save the queen?”

For the smallest of moments, Cullen chuckled, “Remind me to play chess with you later.”

To that, Kaidan smirked, and Mia just rolled her eyes.

“Come on, we don’t have a lot of time – the sooner we get through this, the better.”

“How much time do we have?” Mia asked, as Cullen pulled up his omni-tool and activated the location tracker.

“I’m not sure, but I don’t want to leave anything to chance – especially since this might now really be a suicide mission,” He said, gesturing to the still blazing shuttle behind them.

They fell silent as they moved forward towards the central chamber, fighting through husks along the way – but nothing more than husks.

Where there weren’t husks, the halls were littered with dead bodies of all the species living onboard the Citadel.

The more they passed, the more Cullen feared there might not be anyone left on the Citadel alive. Millions of people lived on station – there was a large chance that hundreds of thousands of them just died, if not all of them.

“This doesn’t look good,” Kaidan quietly spoke beside him, as Cullen lead the way towards the central chamber.

There was no telling what they would find when they got there. There was no telling if there would be enemies waiting, or if the Crucible was going to work at all.

Cullen didn’t want to think on what could and could not happen. He couldn’t worry on that, he couldn’t think that way. There was too much to do in the future, too much not to risk worrying. It used to be something that would bring him down a path that never was anything but dark.

But now? Light was all around him. He needed to stay that way.

They weaved in and out of the Citadel’s intricate hallways and piping, coming across the large pistons leading to the central chamber.

It was quiet. Perhaps too quiet, but they had nothing to do but forward. They couldn’t even hear the fighting in Space from here. Just silence, only being cut with the the Citadel continuing to shift and close.

“Cullen, is that it?” Mia asked, as they finally came down a hallway with a large open door at the end of it.

“I guess so, doesn’t seem like it could be anything else,” Kaidan replied.

Cullen stayed quiet, stayed focused.

Kaidan and Mia looked at him, and he just nodded. Words weren’t coming right now, and this was no time for speeches. They just needed to get the job done.

Guns raised they marched forward together and entered the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We may be coming to the 'end' of Mass Effect 3...but don't worry, there is _plenty_ more story coming to you! This story is far from over!


	50. Chapter 50

They entered the room, expecting a fight. Guns pointed in front of them, Cullen took point with Kaidan and Mia close behind.

But the only thing waiting them was a large terminal.

Kaidan started to sweep the perimeter, and Mia guarded the only door, as Cullen ran for the terminal.

As he touched it, it sprang to life, and he connected to Admiral Hackett via comms. “Hackett, I’m at the terminal. Send me the code.”

“Understood,” Hackett’s voice crackled over the channel, “Encryption sent. And hurry up, Commander, we have a lot of good people dying out here, we need to take the Reapers down now.”

Cullen’s Omni-Tool pinged with the code from Hackett, and he uploaded it into the Terminal. “I’ll radio when we’re clear.” The communications line is cut. The terminal starts to light up.

He quickly reviews everything, going through the settings; uncertain as to why there were choices presented to him. It hadn’t mattered, despite the code giving the option to attempt to control the Reapers, that wasn’t the choice. It wasn’t the correct one.

All he could think about was the choices that lead up to this moment.

And the choice was what he was always meant to make.

He hit the button on the terminal, and the entire room lit up red, as the Citadel’s arms stopped moving shut. The sudden silence was overtaken by metal lurching and whirling – the arms moving out to open completely, and there was a sound of something _very_ strong powering up.

“Does this mean you got it working?” Kaidan asks, running over to Cullen’s side, “If so, I think we need to go.”

“I would second that idea!” Mia chimed in from the door, “Because from what I’m seeing, our exit window is closing…”

With the Terminal fully running the program to destroy the Reapers, Cullen ran over to Mia and the door to see what she was seeing – the hallway they had come down was somehow _closing_ in on itself; and it was currently the only way out of their location.

“Then we better run. Go!” Cullen yelled, the sound of the power getting louder, and the three of them started to run down the hallway.

Walls were being raised up by the Citadel, perhaps a defense for when the Crucible was started, and as the walls were raised, they were being pushed forward. Soon the way behind them was completely blocked, and it was rapidly closing fast.

“We better make it!” Mia called out as they ran.

“Mia, can you just Fade Step us to the end of the Hallway?”

“I’ve never tried it before!” She laughed, “No time like the damned present, right?” Mia stopped running and grabbed both Cullen and Kaidan’s hands, and Cullen felt the magic dance over him like biotics and in a flash they were at the end of the hallway.

Immediately when they touched down on safe ground, the hallway behind them shut completely, and fast.

Kaidan looked back to where they had been, and then looked to Mia, “I…I am going to have to have you teach me that,” He breathed out, and Cullen shook his head.

“Later. We need to get off this station,” And he kept continuing forward, the walls now being outlined with bright red lines of power, all shooting towards the central chamber.

The three of them kept running, as Cullen connected into Comms, “Joker, do you read me?”

“Loud and clear, the entire Citadel looks like it’s about to blow! Where the fuck are you?” Joker’s voice was frantic, unlike anything Cullen had heard before – but his own feeling mirroring Joker’s words.

“Sending you our nav point, where’s the nearest place we can get to you?”

EDI’s voice cracked over the comms, “Cullen, we are near your location, there is an escape pod down the hall to the left. Take that, and we will pick you up in orbit.”

“Understood,” He replied, as he picked up his speed, Kaidan and Mia running behind him.

Every second they were still on the Citadel, every second the Crucible warmed up the power, the more dangerous things became – and as they reached the escape pods, they started frantically searching for one that was still active.

Kaidan was the one to find the last working pod, making fast work of the terminal, “This damn thing isn’t working!” He cursed out, before his biotics danced over him and he made a fist, using the force of his biotics to punch into the terminal.

The escape pod immediately unlocked, and he held the door open, waving down Cullen and Mia. “Come on, let’s go!”

It was a small moment, something that shouldn’t have held significance, but as he got into the escape pod with the two of them, the door shutting and the pod ejecting, he thought of the time he died.

The time _Shepard_ died. He watched Kaidan get into an escape pod, and he went back to get Joker. Getting spaced, quickly losing the ability to breathe, and then blackness.

That wasn’t the case this time, as he felt Mia grab his arm, and Kaidan held onto his hand – as the pod moved further away from the Citadel and into space.

“Normandy, this is Kaidan, do you have our location?”

“Yep,” Joker called, “On our way to grab you now, this is going to be a bumpy landing for you, so hold on tight!”

The pod kept flying, as the Normandy sped up to them, the landing ramp ready to catch them. On the radio, Joker swore a bit as he maneuvered around the Reapers and other ships and scooped up the pod through the loading bay like a glove catching a ball.

The pod slid fast into the bay, the forcefield turning off as soon as the bay door was shut, and the pod slid to the edge of the bay until it hit a stop.

Inside the pod, three of them were tossed around, Mia screaming with amusement (“This is not amusing, Mia!”) until they skidded to a halt.

James was there to help rip the pod door open, and as soon as it was, Cullen booked it out of the bay up the service stairs to Joker.

If there was one thing Cullen knew, it was that if they stayed in this space too long, the Crucible was going to take the Normandy out with everything around it. And that just couldn’t happen.

He reached the CIC and ran towards the cockpit, “Joker, get us out of here!”

“I’m working on it!”

With the Normandy cutting through the continuous war, as the Crucible became fully armed, they took off for the nearest relay.

And with all power activated, the Crucible fired. 

“Do you have any idea what happened with the Crucible?”

“If I knew that, do you think I’d be running like hell from it?” Joker snapped back, fingers moving quickly over the controls.

“Where’s EDI?” Cullen asked, his hand on the back of Joker’s chair, and Joker kept his focus.

“Her body when down when you activated the Crucible. Luckily, she backed up her program into the ship right before you dropped to the Citadel.”

Cullen swallowed hard, “Maker’s breath, I’m sorry, Joker, I didn’t know what would happen.”

“Yeah, can we not right now, while we’re outrunning a _death ray_?” Joker snapped, as the Normandy went full speed to the Mass Relay. Systems were going haywire, the ship wasn’t fully responding to his commands, and he was growing frustrated.

They just needed to hit the Relay, and they’d be home free.

“Come on,” Joker whispered to the controls, “Come on…”

The Relay activated as they approached it, and as soon as the Normandy hit it, the Crucible’s ray did as well.

The ship flew through the Relay, as systems went dark, and then turned on again. Everything was flashing red, and alarms were going crazy.

“Joker, what is going on?” Cullen asked, a death grip now to a nearby terminal.

“Like I fucking know! She’s moving on her own! EDI, tell me that’s you?”

“I’m sorry Jeff,” EDI’s voice crackled in and out, as if she was straining against the surge, “It is not me. I cannot regain control of the system either.”

The crew that remained on the Normandy during the battle for Earth gathered in the CIC, trying to lock down into the secure seats the best they could; as the ship moved faster through space – they had come out the Relay, to only have the Relay explode after they exited it.

And there was no sign of stopping, as the ship spiraled out of control.

“Something is pulling us down, Commander!” Joker called out, trying his best to fight the changes in the system, but nothing was working. Radar wasn’t showing where they were, and there was nothing else to do now but, “Brace for impact, we’re going down!”

Whatever planet it was had a strong gravitational pull, short circuiting all the systems as everything in the Normandy went black and went into complete freefall, burning through the atmosphere as it spiraled towards the ground.

Joker was shouting over the commotion, demanding others get the system operational, to bring up the emergency power, as Cullen was trying to calm down those who were freaking out.

Mia and Kaidan were standing next to each other, both holding on tight to whatever they could find, and Cullen decided that if they were going down, he was going to go down with them. He started to make his way out of the cockpit towards them when the systems came to life once more. Cullen crashed to the ground, unable to keep his footing as the ship continued its downward spiral.

Just in time to see they were dangerously close to the ground, and to a forest. “ _FUCK_!” Joker tried to gain control, “We’re gonna crash, brace yourselves!”

The Normandy took a nosedive into the forest and kept going until something was powerful enough to stop it – the ship sliding deep into the ground until finally the momentum was stopped by a wall of rocks and trees.

When the ship rocked to a stop, the power flickered, and then turned off.

Then, finally, the emergency power clicked back on. 

It wasn’t until Cullen heard Joker sigh, and saw him take off his hat, that he knew they were safe. For now.

Bracing his hands on the floor, Cullen pushed himself up and to his feet. Others started to unbuckle themselves from their seats, and behind him, Cullen heard Joker get out of his seat.

“Any idea where we are?” Cullen asked, as Joker walked up to him.

“No fucking idea,” he muttered, “Only one way to find out.”

The two men shared a look of understanding and moved to the doors of the Normandy to pry them open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50 chapters and still going! :) As always, thanks for sticking with me, and let me know your thoughts!


	51. Chapter 51

With the doors open, other crew members went to assess the damage first, and to see what the levels of the planet were. If it was safe to go without a helmet, if it was an uncharted land, they were uncertain of what was waiting for them out there.

The ship was barely running on emergency energy, and Cullen could see EDI’s old interface flickering in and out in the cockpit as she conversed with Joker, though she wasn’t heard anywhere else in the ship. Joker, for his part, seemed relieved that EDI was still ‘alive’ in some form.

“Cullen, are you alright?”

Cullen looked to see Kaidan and Mia walking over, others rushing past them to start repairs on the ship and make assessment of what was wrong. Behind them, James and Samantha were approaching.

“Yeah,” He said, as he took Kaidan’s hand and pulled him towards him, into a tight hug, glad to have made it alive, and not willing to take it for granted. Kaidan’s arms wrapped around him, and Cullen felt him sigh deeply against him. Once the hug broke, Cullen looked to check on Mia.

She rubbed at her nose, some blood coming from it, but she shrugged it off. “I’m fine. Nothing that can’t be fixed,” She said, and hugged her brother in turn, “You’re stuck with me, remember?”

“Yeah,” He laughed, “I do, but being ‘stuck’ might be a real reality now.”

“Commander, any idea on where we are?” Samantha finally asked, with James next to her.

“That was one hell of a crash landing,” James grunted, rolling his shoulders to crack them. “We gotta find a way to get back out there, get back to Earth.”

Cullen nodded, “Yeah, we should see what the assessment is, the sooner we review everything, the sooner we can see where we are at and what needs repairs.”

“We need to somehow get power fully restored as well,” Samantha added.

Mia put her hand on Samantha’s shoulder, and smiled, “Don’t worry. We will. We’ll figure it out.”

Samantha calmed at that, smiling a bit towards Mia, before she turned to the door.

Crewmembers were coming back, with their helmets off, already giving reports. The Normandy was deep into the ground, and there was significant damage to the ship. It would take a significant number of resources to get it airborne again. But the air was breathable. For the immediate future, there didn’t seem to be cause for concern.

“Well, what are we waiting for! Let’s see where we are!” Samantha ran out of the doors first, with James muttering about needing to watch after her and following.

One by one, those who were left on the ship started their way out. Joker followed James, limping along but making it out to look around. Kaidan looked back to Cullen and nodded before he followed out.

The only people left on the ship were Mia and Cullen.

“No matter what happens,” She said, patting her hand to his shoulder, “We’ll find a way home.” She half smiled, before she walked out to planet side.

Cullen took a deep breath, a strange feeling giving him a sense of unease, as he took his step off the ship and onto the planet.

They were surrounded by forest, big and full trees as far as the eyes could see. So, he kept walking, out until he found a clearing, where Kaidan was overlooking a cliff.

With the trees behind them, Cullen looked up and around the sky.

It was a bright sunset sky with some clouds, but something large loomed there, as if it were a giant scar. Evidence of a wound that wasn’t quite healed. Hints of green and gold colored against the scar in the sky, as Cullen’s feeling of unease grew deeper.

With the sun starting to set, the two moons that Cullen had spent most of his childhood looking up at were visible. The sky he looked to and wished that he were anywhere else than where he was, wanting a better life among the stars. Wanting adventure, wanting meaning, wanting a life.

The mountains in the horizon, familiar and welcoming, and yet a reminder of the horrible things he had experienced. He could faintly make out the shape of a castle held against the sky, a home that hadn’t been a home for so long, and perhaps it never had been.

Cullen’s heart started to pick up its pace, and he tightly closed his eyes, inhaling deeply as he tried to remain calm. There was no way they were here. This wasn’t supposed to be a planet they could find easily. He didn’t have the ability to travel like Mia did, and if he did, he wouldn’t be able to bring everyone with them.

Everything he fought so hard to leave behind was now here, laid out in front of him, for all to see and look upon in wonder.

“Cullen?” Kaidan’s voice broke through to him, as Cullen opened his eyes to look at Kaidan. He expected an expression different than the one Kaidan gave him – he expected worry, but instead Kaidan was looking at him with absolute wonder.

“I—” He started, and Kaidan walked towards Cullen, and gestured to him.

“You look different.”

“What?” He questioned it, but his heart pounding was telling him something he shouldn’t ignore. When he looked down to look at himself, he was no longer in his N7 armor.

Maroons and gold caught the light, intricate weavings of fabric and metal. The armor he had spent designing, the armor he had spent so much time in trying to hide away from the world. His hands were in his gauntlets, and as he raised his hands to his shoulders, behind him the wind caught his cape, billowing out behind him. Feathers curled around his neck.

His eyes were wide as he looked from his hands to Kaidan, and as Cullen tried to find his words, Mia approached them.

She wore fine clothing of Orleasian style, sans the commonly used mask. Draped in black and silver, a modern look that reminded him of a mix of what Vivienne and Dorian wore. In her hand, was a silver staff, with two lions’ heads at the top, a large ruby in the middle of them.

“Cullen,” She started, but he took a step back.

“This was your doing, wasn’t it?” He asked, looking to her, gesturing to her. “You overexerted yourself somehow, and…”

“We would have died, I had to do what I could to save us, Cullen!”

“But _here?_ Andraste’s _ass_ , why did you bring us _here_?” His fear was turning into anger, “You may have wanted to come back here, but I didn’t! I don’t want this!” He yelled out, gesturing at the scar in the sky.

Kaidan’s hand reached out and grabbed his that had been outreached to the sky, and brought it down was on his, holding onto it tightly, “Calm down, and just…where are we?”

Mia held onto her staff but did not speak. Cullen turned to Kaidan and sighed.

“We’re in Thedas, Kaidan. This is… _was_ my home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to end this story here for now. It's a good place to end, and sets it up nicely if I ever decide to come back to this in the future. Thank you for reading :)


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